Scarleteen

Hello so my name is (I'll go by Amy) and I'm 23. I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 10 months now.. Longer than I've ever been with anyone. I'm a girl and have always considered myself straight. But I have never really enjoyed sex and have only been with men. My current boyfriend is the third person I have had sex with and the sex with him is the least awful out of anyone else. He makes me feel wanted but even sometimes when I WANT to have sex I normally lose the desire half way through.
I feel my sex drive decreasing more and more and I love my boyfriend but sometimes I just don't even want him to touch me. I used to be very in to cuddling and kissing but lately his touches have been irritating me more than anything and I feel so bad and selfish.
I was wondering if anyone had any sort of network of sex counselors in like Northern Virginia area and how I really know if I'm straight if I've never even kissed a girl. I find girls attractive and I'm open to experimenting but I don't want to screw things up with my boyfriend if he's the person I'm meant to be with. But I'm tired of dreading sex and never orgasming and blah I just don't know what to do. I feel like I could enjoy sex more if it wasn't so much based on a guy finishing. I never orgasm from sex and I always only go as long as he lasts and then I don't want anything else.

Is there a way to explore my sexual identity without breaking up with him? I feel like the fact that I am questioning things isn't a good sign for our future but it's only recently that I've been wondering if my lack of desire is more linked with the people I've been dating, or the actual orientation/gender of the people I've been dating.

He treats me so well but I don't feel the passion that I really want in a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I think of him more as a best friend than a sexual interest.

It's not uncommon for relationships to transition sometimes; just as people move from friends to lovers, they can also move from lovers to friends. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either person, but people change and their feelings can change too, and that's ok. I want to point out, too, that it's ok if you eventually decide you'd rather be friends with your current boyfriend regardless of your sexual orientation. It could be that you are straight, and you still don't want to be sexual with your boyfriend, and if that's the case that is a valid feeling.

One thing I want to say is that describing the sex you're having with your boyfriend as the "least awful" you've ever had doesn't make it sound good at all. When you lose your desire for sex, are you still going through with it? Are you having an ongoing conversation with your boyfriend where you're honest about how you feel about sex? I think it's important to be honest with him if you aren't already. It's not good for you to be going along with affection and sexual activity you find unpleasant, but also he probably wouldn't want to have sex with you if he knew you were so unhappy with it (and if he would, then that's a pretty clear sign of someone who shouldn't be having sex at all). I think it would be helpful to have a conversation with him about your feelings around sex that are completely separate from your potential attraction to women, so you can clear the air about this.

Also - sex between men and women is not, by default, an activity focused or based on the male partner's orgasm. Some folks might approach sex that way, but they tend to be not the best or most attentive sexual partners; there's a wide range of sexual activities out there and it's important for people to talk about and experiment with them to find ways that everyone involved can enjoy what's happening. So it sounds like that might be another component of a discussion to have with him.

In terms of your feelings towards women, it's a pretty common myth that people can't know if they're attracted to a certain type of person before kissing or otherwise being intimate with them. Straight people who've never dated or kissed someone are rarely asked if they're "really" straight; it's assumed that their attractions are genuine even if they haven't had any sexual experience. No one but you can really know if you're attracted to women but it's certainly something you can explore internally, through fantasy, reading lesbian/bisexual/queer fiction, finding communities online with queer women, etc. Those are all things you can do in the framework of your existing relationship, so that might be a good place to start.