Do or Don't

[mcguiree1495]

Hi there,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we've also been active for 2 years.

Lately, I've been having a problem because I want oral, however, he doesn't like to do that to me. He claims he doesn't like the taste and that his jaw hurts him. Out of 2 years we've been active, I've probably only received oral less than 25 times.... and he gets blowjobs from me EVERY time we have sex, I even swallow most of the time (and sometimes I don't like the taste of that). I just don't find it fair that he doesn't go down on me, yet I do for him (without complaints) and whenever he does go down on me, he complains EVERY time.

The last time I did receive oral, he stopped not even after 3 minutes, and said he can't take the taste... I cried for 2 hours because it makes me self-conscious and upset that I can't get anything but yet I suck it up for him ALL THE TIME.
I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I don't know what to do anymore because that's one of the things I enjoy the most and that's also how I "get off". I've never had an orgasm by sex, just through oral sex.

I love him so much and I don't want to cheat, however I have been talking to a friend I used to work with and we talked about how things were going between my boyfriend and I, I stated my concerns and asked advice of what to do for this ^^ situation, and now he's been offering a one night, no strings attached type of thing.. (he's a really nice guy and is not all about sex, so please no negativity about him).

But I know that I'd be cheating if I agreed to it with him.

I don't want to take a break from my boyfriend because we'll be living together in a couple weeks, I don't want to just take a break for sex, and I don't want to cheat, but I really to be able to fix this "problem".

HELP.

[Redskies]

Welcome to the boards.

It's sounding like your boyfriend is consistently clear that giving oral sex is not a thing he wants to do. So, you get to make decisions about what You want from that point.

I'm sorry that some of the things he said, or the way he said them, were so hurtful to you. If he's not into that kind of sex, then really, the kindest and healthiest thing would be for him to nix it completely rather than complain about it. Do you feel like he was trying to communicate honestly with you with some degree of care and was making mis-steps, or did it feel like something less caring and less respectful? Please know, too, that his preferences are simply his preferences, and aren't any comment about your body.

You're clear, too, that giving him oral sex is not something that you particularly enjoy doing or that you want to do. We all get to decide that there are some sexual activities that we just don't really like or want to do, for any reason, and it's always totally ok for us to let a partner know that and not do those things. We don't ever have to do a thing just because a partner wants to or finds it fun. After all, partnered sex is about people enjoying themselves together. Do the two of you have any kinds of sex which you're both really into and enthusiastic about? Too, can I ask why you're having sex with him that you're not keen on sometimes?

How is the relationship between the two of you outside of sex?

Honestly, I think that involving another person in the situation right now would only muddle things more and make it harder for all of you. Too, if you and your boyfriend have agreed to be monogamous, then you being sexual with someone else would be breaking that agreement, and that wouldn't be a very respectful thing to do to your boyfriend, and would likely be bad for the overall health of the relationship. Speaking of health, sexual contact involves some risk of STI transmission, so breaking a sexual monogamy agreement means exposing a partner to health risks they haven't agreed to and haven't had the opportunity to either accept or decline.

Instead, I think that you can perhaps use the knowledge that you've been considering or wanting sex with someone else as helpful information for you. As well as the actual words in your post, you considering that suggests that you're not happy with your current sexual relationship and that you want a different sexual relationship, whether that's with your boyfriend or with someone different. You absolutely do get to think about what you want overall with your relationships and in this relationship. For example, if it's important to you that someone you're sexual with is willing and able to give you oral sex at least sometimes, that's something that you get to seek. Then, though, it would be clear that someone who does Not want to give oral sex is just not compatible with you in a sexual relationship.

I'd really suggest changing the dynamic between the two of you. How about, instead of complaining/not complaining but being silently unhappy, you both engaged in sex with each other Only when you're both really into it? If one of you is complaining, or wanting to complain, you instead nix that kind of sex and find a different kind of sex that you would Both enjoy?

Too, I think this piece on the site might really help you out: Reciprocity, Reloaded

[Keda]

I spent a fair old while trying to think of a way of saying exactly what Redskies just said, except that my version was completely incoherent. The only thing I was going to say that Redskies didn't is a bit out of place without all the Important Relationship Stuff context, so please sort of imagine it inserted into a small corner of Redskies' post.

If giving oral sex is something that either of you, now or in the future, wants to be able to do and enjoy - not wants to be able to put up with for the benefit of the other person, but if (either of) you actually wish that you could engage in that particular act and have you both enjoy it and find it fulfilling and pleasurable - you might want to consider introducing some latex to the situation. Giving oral through a condom or dental dam is a very different sensation, which is enjoyable for some people and not enjoyable for others - just like giving oral without any barriers - so if you were wishing for something like oral but different, it might be worth a try. Dental dams are basically just thin sheets of latex you lay over one person's genitals, and you can make one by cutting up the side of a condom with scissors (or you can buy them, of course).

Please don't take this bit of advice as the solution to all your problems - it's absolutely not intended to be. Discovering new kinds of sex that you both enjoy will be great if it happens, but on its own it can't solve the problems you guys seem to have around communication and working together to make sure you both enjoy all the sex you have. But it's easy to fall into the habit of thinking of barriers as only for STI and pregnancy prevention, when in fact they can be a sex toy all of their own sometimes, so I wanted to make the suggestion, even if you don't end up using it with this partner.

[Keda]

Well this is weird - I made that post back in August, I'm pretty sure it showed up then, but now the datestamp seems to have changed to today and it's showing up in new posts. So, I'm sorry! I didn't really resurrect a months-old thread, it just strangely looks like I did.

Unless of course the post is only displaying weirdly to me, and everyone else sees it as it should be, posted back in August; in which case I have resurrected a months-old thread, by posting to tell everyone that I definitely didn't do that.

Oh internet.

[Heather]

The original poster bumped the topic, so that may be why that happened.