Scarleteen

So, i'm 17 and I have never done anything more than makeout. I'm starting to get into a serious relationship and i'm really freaking out because i have no idea what to do. I have never even seen a penis in real life so i keep trying to get over it but i get really bad anxiety even thinking about it. How can i get over it?

Hi Brooke,

Do you have a sense of what, specifically, you might be nervous about? Are you worried about communication with your partner? Finding privacy? Figuring out what feels good for you and a partner during sex or other intimate activities? Approaches to dealing with your worries might depend on what you're worried about in particular.

One thing that might help is taking a look at this article about being ready for sex; it applies no matter what kind of sex or sexual activity we're talking about: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist Other than that, I think making sure you're communicating openly with your partner about your shared desires and expectations, and sticking to a pace that feels good to you, is a good start.

I'm afraid that I will do something wrong or not be good. He has been with other people sexually and i'm so inexperienced. I just feel like i'm not going to know what to do

Well, not everyone enjoys the same things in a sexual relationship; he might have experience with previous partners but that doesn't mean that he knows what you like. And if you'd been with other people before there's no guarantee that their preferences would align with your current partner's. Building a sexual relationship with any new partner, no matter how many people you have or haven't been with before, is a learning process.

Experience can help you guess what might be well-received by a partner, but it only gets you so far. The best way to know what your partner likes, and to let him know what you like or might enjoy, is to talk about these things before and as you're being sexual together.

But how do I get over my fear?

Have you been able to talk to your partner about your fears? Perhaps hearing from him what expectations he has can put you at ease.

But also, sometimes it can be important to listen to our fears and accept them as a sign that we are not quite ready yet to do the thing we are afraid of.

I'd add that some of this may just be because genital sex is way far ahead of where you're at so far, which is probably the case if you have only made out some.

Chances are good that if you are only involved with someone's genitals when it feels right for you, at a pace that is right for you, it will not feel scary like this.

Do you feel like you have to rush yourself with this person sexually, or like they will be totally fine with whatever pace you need and feels right? Too, is this someone where you feel that, if and when genital sex does feel right for you, you can't learn as you go as anyone - regardless of previous experience - does with a new partner?

This advice column might also be very helpful for you given the concern you voiced about not being "good at" sex: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... ood_in_bed