Scarleteen

So I have been throught a tough time recently and had my heart broken by a man who I wasn't even with and he messed me around for a long time.

I have been hurt by men and it's got to the point where I've lost all trust.

I'm 21, a confident girl and I'm nearly settled on finding out who I am as a person, apart from 1 thing.

Since I was about 14, I have been confused on my sexuality. I didn't know whether I am straight but appriciate a good looking woman, actually finding a woman attractive or fancying a woman and wanting a relationship.

I have never had a relationship with a woman, but I kissed a girl for a dare when I was younger and it didn't bother me

Alot of my friends are gay, but that's not where I got the confusion from.

I know I shouldn't label myself but I would feel better if I knew one and for all.

I think I am at that stage where I want to experience dating a woman. But at the same time, If im not 100% sure of my sexuality it wouldn't be fair on the other person. But I think I want to experiment. Also I am scared about having this discussion with my friends but I know they'd be really supportive.

I was in town today, and came across two sales assistant. The first girl was blonde and wow! I was taken back by her! She was gorgeous and I imagined kissing her and then another woman in a different shop who was a bit older, I couldn't stop checking her out. I found her smoking hot and I couldn't stop checking her out.

My heads all over the place. I admit I am healthy and masterbate alot but I masterbate more over women then men but I do find men hot!

Please help me

Hi Confused woman,

I'm not sure where you've heard that you 'shouldn't label yourself' but I'd say that labels and words are things we're free to use or not use... So if 'bisexual' is something that feels like it can fit for you and feels good, then I say you can totally just use it. No permissions necessary.

With the fairness of experimenting, I think that can just be about honesty. People are free to know what they're getting into if someone is new to certain types of dating and not totally sure about it yet, then I think that is totally fair, it might be that they're really happy to experiment with you. I actually think of most dating or most having sex as experimental anyway so it's no less fair than any of that.

So I would say that you can totally go for it. Is there anything else that's getting to you about this at the moment?

What other orientations are there? I keep hearing ones like Polysexual and pansexual , are they any others I might fit into? or any other i might not be aware

I wouldn't even know where to start when it comes to dating/ experimenting with a woman?

Also I am a bit nervous about telling some of my other friends that Im stiff confused, like setting up a dating profile and then my friends finding it and saying "I thought you were straight"

And thankyou so much for replying it's much appriciated

Hi confusedwoman,

I don't know if you've seen these two pieces, but they sound like they might be helpful right now:

Q is for Questioning
The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone

Even as a smaller step than dating, do you know where the spaces are in your community where LGBT folks meet and hang out?

Do you worry your friends won't be accepting of you, or that they'll just be confused?

The articles are helping a bit

and no i don't I want to try some gay bars and see how i feel, im looking at peoples dating profiles who are gay/ open minded/ bi and see what it's like before i sign on because when ive been no dating profiles before, I've been searching for men

and I think it's a bit of both, most of my friends accept the idea of people being in a same sex relationship and more then half my friends are gay/bi, but because people are use to me saying "Ooh he's fit" and talking about men and sex with men , i think they'll find it weird at first

Oh good, I'm glad they're helping

I think those are both sound steps to take, if only because it gives you space to explore your identity and desires. Too, you may even seek out LGBTQA spaces that aren't even romance/dating focused just as a way of finding like people.

So, one possibility is to talk to those gay/bi friends first and let them know about the process you've been going through. Your bi friends might be able to offer some thoughts or support, since they may have gone through some of the same feelings when they were realizing their identity. As for your other friends, you can start by talking to the people you feel closest to and see how they take it. It might be an adjustment for them at first, but they'll manage, and if they are supportive friends they'll try to make any confusion or awkwardness their own to deal with, rather than making it something you have to manage on top of your own feelings.

Like i said, i have been confused on and off since high school

Also im worried, Im getting over the boy who messed me around but I don't know if nows the right time to be exploring that, but on the other hand im singlle so now should be the time to experiment,

Should I talk to friends first, or try online dating first? x

I would say that being single, in addition to giving you space to experiment and date new folks, also gives you space to focus on yourself and your feelings and desires. Things like journaling can help with that, if only by giving you a place to just spill your thoughts so that you can begin to sort them out.

I think the first step is up to you and what would make you feel the most comfortable. I might talk to friends first, as that might help you feel more supported in your exploration.

They aren't mutually exclusive.

But if you want to do them one at a time, that's really just going to be about what you want.

Yeah I think I'm going to do some research and have a real think because I discuss it with friends

I talked about to my sister and she was so spportive and my two best friends and they were great about and supported me

Its just the rest now so at least i took a step today and yesterday to discuss how i feel. I might talk to my mum

Glad to hear they were all supportive And hooray for more research!