Scarleteen

My mother, my brother and I were watching a tv show after having lunch. My mom was talking and my brother shushed her, complaining angrily that he could never watch tv quietly. I smacked him lightly (or so I thought) on the back of his head and told him not to be a jerk. He grumbled furious that he was no jerk and, as I was leaving the kitchen, threw a small kitchen knife at me. He missed my neck by a few centimeters. I picked up the knife and gave it to my mom, who said nothing. I thought about saying something but I was shocked and I didn't want to worsen the situation, so I went upstairs to my bedroom and cried. My brother complained to my mom that he had infected pimples on where I had hit him so that hurt him quite a bit, something I didn't know. Hours afterwards, my mom told me that I looked mad because I wasn't speaking much, and when I told her it was because of this incident, she made light of it, and said that he had to see a doctor and that I shouldn't have hit him. I know it was wrong of me to do that, and I don't usually hit my brother or anyone else, but I felt like today he was going overboard. He usually doesn't do things like this one, but whenever he does, my parents just pretend that nothing happened, and if I talk about it I'm told to be quiet, or derided if I insist. I want to know what can I do if something like this happens again.

Hi Mutis,

I'm sorry that this happened to you, and that it sounds like your parents don't take you concerns seriously. That sucks. You mention that he does sometimes do other things like this. Are those physical things (throwing stuff, hitting you) or more verbal (calling you names and such)?

It also sounds like physical abuse - like hitting each other, for example - is perhaps not uncommon in your home, especially since you say that when your brother does things like this, a passive pattern of response in your family is common, which suggests what happened between you two today isn't a first time.

Have you ever reported any of this to someone outside the family who can look into intervening or connecting your family with other help, like a teacher or family doctor? If not, especially since a sex education service like ours, alas, really can't help here, would you consider doing that?

Heather and Sam W, thank you so much for replying. I'm sorry for posting this here, I didn't realise it was meant only for sexual abuse. I'll try and look up other resources more oriented to family conflicts.

When we were kids and teens, we used to fight and yell a lot. Nowadays we are both in our early twenties and we have stopped having major fights, except for one time when I wanted his help to do an urgent thing he didn't wanted to do, so he pushed me downstairs and hit my head against the wall several times (my parents weren't home at the time).

Apart from that, he sometimes insults me calling me stupid or crazy, raises his voice or yells when I don't do something he wants me to do - even if it's something unimportant that he could do himself-, invents things so my parents get mad at me, or tells them not to take what I say seriously because I'm nuts - and the worst thing is that they believe him. I've never told anyone about this, because when I was a teen it didn't cross my mind, and now because I'm afraid people will just dismiss it as petty and childish behaviour, even if it's coming from someone who has already graduated from university.

We're not only here for that kind of abuse, so much as that while we can often help a great deal with abusive relationships that are elective -- not in the family, especially when someone is a minor and can't leave -- there is little we can do with in-family abuse except to do what we can to direct a user to their local resources to help with in-the-family abuse. We also have to be sure not to get involved in situations where people cannot leave (again, usually this is about legal minors who cannot lawfully leave home without local help), because we lack the capacity to quickly get someone to safety.

But it sounds like you aren't a minor, and don't have to be living at home, do I have that right? If not, it sounds to me like a first priority for you, and the thing that'd get you safe fast, is seeing what you can do to leave home or, at the very least, find other places to stay at least sometimes until you can move out so you can at least be safe more frequently. If nothing else, perhaps we can brainstorm some ways to be sure you are not alone with him without someone with you who WILL help keep you safe and won't blow abuse off.

I'm so sorry you've been living with this for so long and haven't felt able to tell anyone what's been going on. It's scary enough when you at least have people in your life who know, it's all the more scary when you're living without that. Know that we take this seriously, and don't think any of this is petty: your safety matters, so please let us know what you're open to that we can help you with.

I see, thanks for the clarification. You got it right, I'm past 18 so I'm legally an adult. The only place I can think of I can move right now is my late grandma's house, which is empty right now. It's 2 km from mine and it belongs to my father. I could move to another place but I'd need time to find one. My friends live on a different town so staying with them is not an immediate option.

I'm curious about the brainstorming method. I usually stay home a lot more than my brother. When we are both home, each one is doing our thing, so we only see each other at lunch/dinner. He usually express his anger outbursts verbally, but he never escalates his outbursts to physical attacks when someone who is not family was present.

I have avoided him since the incident and when we talked I tried to keep it short and not sound confrontational, scared nor submissive - I just keep acting like nothing ever happened instead. He hasn't said a word about it either. He has had other anger fits but he lashed verbally at my parents, making them lash at him and at each other.

I almost forgot - I've look up local networks that support violence victims. They are more oriented to look after women who suffer abuse from their partners, so I don't know what I can expect, if they'll help me or not.

Hi Mutis,

Heather is away for the day but I wanted to make sure your message was addressed.

From what I have read it seems like you have already given some thought to ways you can stay safe in the home. A few things I might add is navigating lunch/dinner since that is when most of the violence seems to occur. Could you be away from the home more during this time without it causing tension with your family? Possible arrange to have dinner with your friends more. If the par of the plan is to start saving so that you have more options in your living situation goes, having dinner doesn't need to happen at a restaurant but at your friends home. You could also invite friends over to join you all for dinner since the presence of non family members seems to help keep things cal,. Again, if this is something I only recommend if it would not create more tension with your family once your friend(s) left.

Another thing you might want to do is start making plans, and putting those plans into action, towards a different living situation. Talking to your father about your grandma's place (as a short term option and a clear deadline in mind), but my concern is this is likely a place your brother has access to as well and you would not want to be there alone with him. Your friends could also be a short term option if you needed to get away for a night or two. I think Heather would be a good person to talk more about this with.

Lastly, even if the organizations you have researched focus on partner relationships it is worth it to give them a call. They likely can point you in the right direction for family violence resources. We might be able to help locate a service or general hotline if you give us a better idea of your location (town/city name).

Hi, sorry for the silence during all these days. I got a grant to travel abroad months ago and so I'm in another country for the moment, but I'll be returning home in 3 weeks and I don't want to go back to the same situation of before, so I'll try looking for a place I can move out to. I asked my parents about living away at my grandma's after returning, and even though my mother agreed, my dad is against it. My brother is also against it, and while he doesn't have the final word on it, he can sometimes convince my parents to make things go his way.

During the days before going away I just went to have lunch or dinner later than usual so I wouldn't met my brother or not pay attention to him if he was in the room. He was very insistent on the first days, making jokes and touching me even if he knows that I'm not touchy feely (and I definitely wasn't in the mood for jokes). He does that a lot after something like that happens. Later he started going to the gym, so he was away a lot of the time. I haven't fought or argued with my brother since the incident but I did had a strong argument with my dad over a stupid thing after he lashed at me the day before traveling abroad.

I went to a council office that helps people living in violent situations before going away. They've told me that they would set up an appointment on September with a therapist who would assess my case, and then, if it was accepted, they'd set me an appointment with a lawyer and a social worker too. I feel unsure about it, and also I feel like I'll be betraying my family if I do that.

I understand how, especially in abuse-enabling families, taking care of yourself can feel disloyal. But that's not because it is: helping yourself and taking a stand to not enable abuse or stay unsafe helps everyone, rather than being a betrayal. What gets people feeling like it's a betrayal is having learned abusive and abuse-enabling patterns that say it is, because those patterns aren't about love, health or safety, but about dysfunction. And in dysfunction, black is white, up is down: what's actually for real is misrepresented as a rule.

I am very glad to hear you took that step for your own care and safety, and also to do the brave -- and most loving of all, IMO -- thing you can for your family, which is to be at least one person who makes clear that enabling harm and abuse isn't okay and isn't in anyone's best interest. When there are patterns of abuse and dysfunction in families, the only chance they have stopping and not continuing generation after generation is if at least one person in them does what they can to stop those patterns and cycles, which often is as (relatively) simple as refusing to be victimized or harmed by them anymore. Your self-care and safety alone matters hugely, but if you're feeling guilty, it may help to keep that pattern-breaking, and how big a deal, in the best ways, it can be for everyone in families, in mind.

That probably felt very uncertain and scary, so I commend you on your care of yourself and your courage in that. I'm also very glad you were able to get a nice long space away.

I also think living somewhere else is a great move. If your brother and father (who my sense is are both abusive in some ways, so one would expect they wouldn't be supportive of your safety, as they haven't been so far) don't support you in it, do you think they will come drag you away? If not, then what just may happen here is that they are unsupportive, but that doesn't change that you still get to live here. I'd suggest you remember that you don't need anyone's permission but your grandmother's to live with her, and also suggest you not try and seek it out. You don't need it, and chances are you aren't going to get much of it, especially from the people being abusive in any way or anyone enabling or trying to deny abuse.

I get that culturally, this can be a bit tricky, but ultimately, you're an adult, able to choose yourself where you live without your family's permission, and I'd suggest you try and move more towards that autonomy.