Scarleteen

Hey Scarleteen friends!
Yesterday, I hung out with my best friend (who is a male). We've had a sexual relationship in the past, so we are definitely comfortable and trusting of each other in that respect as well.
He is seeing someone, a guy, who lives in a different state. He therefore doesn't get a lot of action let's say and one thing led to another and we engaged in oral and manual sex. We said it would be "the last time" forever. Afterwards, we both felt so guilty about it, especially him. I feel terrible about the whole thing, though we both agreed and it was enjoyable for everyone. We decided to not really discuss it ever again, but I can't help feeling bad. What should I do?

Hi thinkmcfly,

I think a big step right now, especially if you think it might be hard for you two to hold to your "no more" around this, is to agree to only hang out in public spaces or in groups, so that it's not even on the table as an option.

Do you know if he plans to tell his partner about this (and if they have an open vs closed relationship)?

It's sounding to me like you feel as though there might be something to discuss with him, even though you've agreed to talk about it. If you were to have a conversation about this, what would you hope the result of it would be?

Thanks for the quick reply!
I agree that that would probably be a good idea for awhile. That was actually the first time we hadn't hung out in a public place in quite awhile. I don't think he plans to tell his partner about it, they aren't exactly official yet, though he wants to be. He was so ashamed.
I would hope that the conversation would be honest and open. We both know that we'd never date each other because we couldn't imagine not being in the other one's life one day. We also have figured out over the years that we work better as friends and not partners.

You're welcome!

Okay, so it might be worth a try to have one conversation about this where you kind of clear the air and also have a very explicit bit of planning for how to avoid this in the future. Do you think he'd be open to that?

I do think he'd be open to that, We are very open and honest with each other with absolutely everything. He's a better friend to me than anyone else and from what he told me, I don't think he wants this to happen again unless it was discussed very throughly and neither one of us was seeing anyone.

It sounds like you're feeling pretty confident discussing this with him, but if you do need or want some help with how to get that conversation going, we're happy to help.

I think I know how to approach this converation with him. He is getting ready to move to a different town and go to graduate school, which I guess made him decide to not pay his next phone bill, so his phone will be deactivated for awhile. He's done this before and has gotten a hold of me again at some point. So I don't think this conversation is probably going to happen for the foreseeable future. Not being able to talk to your best friend for awhile, kind of sucks.

Ooof, that's rough. But, it does sound like you have a solid sense of how to approach the conversation, so when you get in touch with him again, you'll be prepared