Questioning Sexuality?

[cantul15]

I've been struggling with this issue for a few months and I'm hoping to get some feedback.

Recently, for anyone that is active on youtube, tumblr, etc, there have been a ton of videos of youtubers coming out as gay, bi, etc. In most of these videos, they will talk about how they have known since they were little that they liked girls, liked guys, liked both, everything in between.

For me, I have always thought of myself as straight. I have had crushes on guys, imagined futures with men, and I'm currently dating my boyfriend. We've been dating for almost 3 years and I love him so much and I can see us ending up together in the future, he's actually my first real boyfriend.

Thing is, when I watched those Youtube videos, it brought me back to the first time I orgasmed - it was actually accidentally. I found myself getting lost in youtube videos that come up as "related" on the side of whichever video you watch. I randomly found myself on a video of a fat woman - she posted multiple videos of herself gaining weight. I know a lot of people will be weirded out by this but yeah. It wasn't intentional but after it happened I realized what it was.

I am sick of these confusing feelings. For the past few months I have been struggling thinking about these incidents, and thinking critically about every little aspect about my current relationship. Am I gay? I don't think so- I really do love my boyfriend! Am I straight? I really wish it was that simple but I can't deny what I've felt in the past.

I want to tell my boyfriend what I'm feeling because I want to get these feelings out to someone I trust and love. But I'm scared that our relationship will end and I really don't want that. Part of me feels like I'm stressing over these thoughts because I'm nervous about having only had one boyfriend. Am I limiting myself from not dating/experimenting with other men and even women?

Thing is, I love him, we make each other so happy. I don't want our relationship to end by me telling him this, or acting impulsively.

Any thoughts? Is thinking about both genders normal? I know love is a choice, and I want to choose my boyfriend. But I also want to tell him what's going on in my head.

[Sam W]

Hi Cantul,

So one thing to know is that while some people do know from a very young age that they are bi, gay, etc, plenty of other people don't get a sense of it until they're older. So, it's not weird to be having these feelings now when you hadn't noticed them before. If you haven't, I encourage you to read up on bi and pansexual identities, since it sounds like you're experiencing attraction to multiple genders.

And, even if you do decide that you're bi or similar, that doesn't mean you have to end your relationship. If you're happy together, then you can continue being together. The one caveat is if you tell him about your feelings and he reacts with disgust or invalidation, as that's a sign that this is someone who can't accept you as a whole person.

Since you want to tell him, do you have a sense of how he might react to your feelings?

[cantul15]

Thanks for your response, he is very accepting and forgiving so I'm hoping that he will react positively. I think I just need to come up with the best way to tell him so that I don't scare him or make him uncomfortable.

[Sam W]

That's good to hear. I think it might help to keep in mind that you don't have to have this all figured out right now, or even soon, and that can inform how you tell him. Just let him know that "hey, I love and trust you, so I feel like I can talk to you about this. I've been questioning my sexuality lately (explain in as much detail as you want). I still want to be with you, but I also wanted you to know about this because it's a part of who I am" or something along those lines.