Unsure diagnosis of Std and living with it afterwards

[Whatsonmyshirt]

Recently, while living in Nicaragua (currently in Mexico) I was diagnosed at the hospital with HPV after having a visible wart.
I was told to use EFUDIX which, due to the climate, ended up burning off all the skin on my testicles and lower penis and not affecting the wart.
Afterwards I went to a dermatologist, a specialist this time, and he told me he didn't believe that I have HPV.
The wart doesn't have a cauliflower appearance and is solitary. It's flat, soft and skin-colored. I was going to get it taken off and have a biopsy done to figure out exactly what it was and be sure I don't have anything but I don't have enough money. Recently, I noticed what I think may just be a second wart which has me a bit terrified. I have already been pretty depressed and was relieved when he told me I probably don't have it but he can't be 100% sure since I couldn't get a biopsy done.

My question(s): Where can I get definitive yes or no on whether I have HPV as a man? I've been getting different answers from different doctors.
I love sex and would like to have it again...call it a sex addiction but I get really frustrated, depressed, unfocused when I haven't had any sexual relations for some time.

Second: Where can I find a support group for this sort of thing? I felt so alone in Nicaragua and yet again here in Mexico. Having an Std or Sti is highly stigmatized throughout the world. I already went through reaching out to my past partners and explaining about HPV, some were understanding while others acted as if I was a monster.

Third: How can I have a regular sex life after being diagnosed with something uncurable?
Will I ALWAYS have to use condoms? Typically when I use condoms I feel almost nothing and get very little pleasure out of the sex or can't even keep it up.

Fourth: How do you get over the self-shame, depression, fear of getting close to others after a diagnosis?

Thanks for your time.

[Heather]

I want to first link you to an advice column from a little while back for a user with a new Herpes diagnosis, because it has a lot to say about feelings of shame and working through them: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... tal_herpes

A dermatologist isn't the right kind of healthcare provider for STI testing. Since you've got this maybe-HPV, as well as what sounds like probably a history of either not using condoms, or only using them sometimes, it sounds like your first step is to get a full STI screening, including a cell sample from that maybe-wart while it's still there. Indeed, for the HPV virus period, or any warts internal to your penis, we lack the ability to test for HPV. But if a wart from HPV is present, then your sex makes no difference, and that wart can be sampled and tested.

What you want to find is either a clinic that is expressly for STI testing and sexual health, or see a urologist or general physician who does full STI testing. Do you have a general doctor you see or have seen in the past for any health issues? If so, and you can't find an STI testing clinic or urologist, they are probably the best place to make a call and start.

We're not going to call people wanting and enjoying sex with partners an addiction, both because that framework is very iffy around sex, but also because there's nothing wrong with people having that experience. It's okay to want sex, it's okay to enjoy sex, and it's okay to find you feel better in your life with masturbation or sex with partners in it.

It does sound, though, like you're going to have to work your issues with condoms out, whether or not you have HPV now or not. The truth is that if you don't practice safer sex -- that's using barriers consistently AND getting regular STI testing -- or only do so sporadically, you are exceptionally likely to wind up acquiring and transmitting STIs in your life. Given your age and the way you're talking about your sexual life, and thus assuming you've been sexually active with partners for at least a few years, if you haven't been using condoms very consistently (or at all), it was kind of a given that you'd have picked up something by now, especially diseases that are super-common, like HPV. Herpes or Chlamydia. So, if that's not something you want for yourself and your partners (and since some STIs can be very dangerous and create long-term health issues, I'd certainly vote for doing all we can to avoid them), or if you do already have HPV, and want to reduce the risk of transmitting it and of acquiring other infections, you're going to have to figure this out.

The good news is that you probably can: chances are that with some helps with how to use condoms in ways that make them feel best, and a shift in your attitudes about them (shifting the idea you can't feel anything and can't keep it up, all things which are most often based in thoughts that then create that effect, more than the other way around), that's doable. Would you like some help with that?

[Whatsonmyshirt]

I've consistantly had regular STi screenings but it wasn't until about 4 months ago when issues popped up.
My luck ran out I guess.

Last night, I discovered I had a small wart inside my urethra so now I'm sure that I have it.
I'm just wondering if I'll ever be able to have sex without a condom again without feeling guilty (like with a committed, long term partner).

I don't have any regular doctor as I move around a lot. When I first noticed that bump and to get it checked out I had a full screening done.
I also have HSV-1..have always had it and thought nothing about it since it's from childhood.

I now carry condoms (and do my best to use them) all the time although I've only had one sexual relationship since discovering the bump but then being told it most likely wasn't. THat partner and I had protected sex except on one occasion.

I would definitely like some help with getting over that mental block. I try to use condoms but often become so frustrated when I feel nothing and feel myself faltering no matter what I try until I either take it off or just stop the intercourse completely and move on to manual/oral to make sure my partner gets the most out of the experience.

[Sam W]

Hi What'sonmyshirt,

Okay, so if you don't have a regular doc, then your next step is try to find someone who specific focus is on sexual health who can help with the diagnosis.

In terms of condoms, like Heather said, not using them consistently is going to significantly up your chances of getting and giving STIs. And, since it sounds like you already have some guilt about possibly doing that, using condoms will also help avoid that guilt. One thing that comes to mind is: have you done much experimenting with different types of condoms to find one that feels good to you? We have a pack in our safer sex shop that's called the "holy crap I can't believe that's on" pack, meant to be condoms that are super thin:
http://www.scarleteen.com/condom_shop

[Heather]

Can I also check in with you about if you're:

1) Using an ultrathin condom, or non-latex types (sometimes when people express feeling less, it's the body heat they aren't feeling as much, and non-latex condoms conduct that better than latex)?
2) Putting a little lubricant inside your condoms before you put it on, just a drop or two?
3) Putting lubricant on the outside, after it's on?

With the attitude issues -- feeling so annoyed with condoms, which will only have been validated every time you've thought that way, then experienced them poorly -- one thing you might want to try is doing all of the above and then practicing with them when masturbating. If you can do your best when doing that to try and think positively (I know it sounds kind of hokey, but there's so much mind over matter with this issue with people sometimes) as you go, it will likely help.

Per what this means long-term, what this means, if you do, in fact, have HPV (if you want help finding this healthcare where you are in Mexico, if you can get more specific, we can help you look, but if you have had STI testing before, then that's where you'll just go again), then what you'll need to do with sexual partners is tell them you have it, and then talk together about what precautions you both want to take. Personally, I'd suggest you come to that table making clear that of course you'll use condoms unless that's something they don't want (but again, you have to know that even if a partner doesn't, again, you're opening yourself up to other infections.)

If you also want to talk about general safer sex protocols to best protect yourself moving forward -- when it's more safe to ditch barriers per the timeline of being with someone -- I'm glad to do that with you, as well.

I do hope reading that first link helped you out at least a little per how you're feeling. Like the Herpes virus, it is more common for sexually active people to have or have had (many people do shed the HPV virus over time) HPV, and it is an infectious disease much like a cold or flu. So, this isn't some punishment for enjoying sex (nor is this about you or anyone else being a monster). It's just about being human and susceptible to infectious diseases, as we all are. And ultimately, it doesn't have to be the world's biggest drag. It can take some getting used to and practice, but you can get in the habit of disclosing without it being horrible, and the same goes with learning to consistently practice safer sex, and learning to do so in a way that supports pleasure, rather than hinders it.

[Whatsonmyshirt]

I typically buy Trojan or Durex condoms while I'm in the USA before I travel to a foreign country.
I've not had many opportunities or one long term partner to really experiment with on this.

I typically do put lubricant on the outside of the condom and sometimes on the inside.

I have masturbated with condoms and can get to the point where I can ejaculate but it's more of a biological reaction than a pleasurable one.
I rarely feel the control I'd have or the pleasure without one.

However, now, because of this recent development, what I"m afraid of is that it doesn't really matter. Each person I have sex with will be at risk and sex without condoms is pretty much out of the question.
I already decided after having all the skin from my balls burned off that protections with condoms will be the way to go from now on unless I"m in a committed relationship (although in the heat of the moment I often lose sight of this).

I read that link when I was searching the archives for some advice on how not to feel depressed and seeing if there are any support groups out there of others that are going through the same thing. I've read that HPV is pretty much no big deal (except when you have visible warts and aren't using condoms) but it's still not processing that way.
For example, I like a girl now that I've just begun seeing but am afraid to get too close or intimate because I don't want to put her at risk.

How does one open up that line of communication, especially if you are someone that has rarely ever had any kind of long term relationship? Most of my relationships last just a few weeks, I'd like for them to be longer but they rarely are..they start fast and end just as fast.
I don't feel like "I'm a monster" but that's not what the general public feels like. Especially if they're from a culture that represses sex or stigmatizes any type of STD as only for 'dirty people'.

I already went through the experience of telling my past lovers from one year ago that they may have HPV and should get checked...so I'm used to talking..and being told I ruined their lives or just helping them deal with the fear of the unknown. But I hate it. For some, I think NOT mentioning it would have allowed the relatioship to stay in tact rather than suddenly disentegrate.

Currently, I'm thinking to just always demand condoms while having sex and not mention that I may or may not have something but say I do it to protect myself and them from pregnancy/std's.

As for the doctor and getting a biopsy. The last doctor/testing I had was in Nicaragua so I don't/won't have a regular doctor as I'm never in the same place more than a few months. The biopsy in Nicaragua was going to cost more than $100 and that is more than I'm able to pay. I travel with very little money but know I need to get these taken care of asap. Would it be cheaper to do in the USA or Mexico?


Last but not least, can I spread the warts through masturbation?

[Heather]

Before I say anything else, I want to say that I find the idea of not telling people you have an infection when you know you do one that isn't very ethical, and also isn't very respectful of others people's right to make fully informed sexual choices for themselves.

Here's the thing: for starters, condoms don't provide 100% protection against any STI. They do a great job at reducing the risk, but they do only reduce it, and with infections like HPV and Herpes, rather than infections that are fluid-transmitted, they provide around 70 - 80% protection at a maximum. That's still good, by all means, but from an ethics standpoint, I think intentionally NOT disclosing what you know someone may be at risk of really wouldn't be okay unless barriers provided 100% protection.

I get that you feel nervous about disclosing this moving forward -- and that some of the reactions from your previous partners undoubtedly didn't help with this (though for the record, unless you refused to use condoms with any of them, so going without wasn't their choice, too, putting the responsibility on you for this just isn't fair). I also get you probably don't want this to limit your sex life, and may see hiding what you know from future partners as a way to reduce those limitations. But what not telling them does is basically make it so that they're agreeing to take a level of risk you know they are, but they don't. And in my book, that's a form of sexual nonconsent and just isn't okay.

So, moving forward, the only thing we can really get behind is being honest with partners about the HPV (again, should it become clear that is what's going on) and then just stating that you want to use condoms, both per that, and just because safer sex protects the health of you and your partners as best it can be.

In terms of doing all of this with new partners, you just get practice at it, and while it may never be the most fun thing in the world, I assure you, it can get fairly easy. What you'll just do is that before you get at all sexual together, say something like, "Before we get sexual, I need you to know that I have a wart strain of HPV, an STI. I would like to use condoms to protect you from that as best we can, and just to keep both of us safe from infections, period. If you don't feel comfortable having sex with me even with condoms, I understand." Generally, with more casual sex, people tend to be more experienced around any of this, do disclosing to casual partners isn't likely to be as hard as you're imagining.

The condoms you're using sound like pretty standard-issue, so by all means, I'd suggest experimenting with more brands, especially those that are nonlatex, ultrathin and the best quality. I'd also work at being consistent about lube, not just using it sometimes. You might also want to see if the female condom feels better for you (which is also nonlatex). But it sounds like you're also just going to have to do some work here with your own mindset: the more you stay convinced condoms = less pleasure, the more likely it is for your experience to stay that way. If you can work to let go of that idea, you will likely find it becomes easier to experience just as much pleasure with condoms. As an extra tip, if pleasure, for you, is all about your penis and almost only your penis, working to expand pleasure with sex to something more whole-body, including adding more activities that explore pleasure of your other body parts, will also likely help.

Per the testing, you say you do get routinely tested. Have you yet called the clinic or doctor you go to for your regular testing to ask about this? Because that'd likely be the easiest for you, and if they do full STI panels, this is part of what they already do.

And nope: you can't give yourself an infection (the infection is in your bloodstream) you already have.

[Whatsonmyshirt]

I don't have a regular clinic or doctor that I go to for screening.
Currently I'm in a new city, Puerto Vallarta, for just a few weeks and then I have no idea where I'll be living next but most likely it will not be in an English-speaking
country.

I get tested every time I have any inkling that something might be going on down there. Up until now, I've always tested negative.
I'm trying to figure out where and if I can afford to get a biopsy done here in Mexico..or perhaps in the States when I'm there next month but I don't have insurance as far as I know.

I would honestly LOVE to experiment with other kinds of sex/pleasure but I've not had the luck of finding someone open-minded enough or long-term to do that with. For example, I've always been interested in BDSM and experimenting with different toys but have never found anyone that I click with that is also into that lifestyle or curious about exploring it (except once). Pleasure to me isn't just my penis but in most of my experience, I'm responsible for providing pleasure and finding a responsive, mutual partner in pleasure hasn't been very easy.

I've been reading and thinking a lot about telling/not fully disclosing over the past few months. What I've ended up doing is just not even allowing myself the option by not interacting with too many new people or not putting myself in situations where it's likely it'll lead to sex. This is what makes me feel a bit..terrible, because I can't just have a normal sexual (casual or not) relationship like I used to have. Plus now I'm having nightmares about warts, std's and everything related to it.

I'll see if I can find some local ultra-thin non-latex here.

The way I explained (in Spanish) to my past lovers that may or may not have been exposed to HPV was:

Hey, I need to talk to you about something important.
I noticed some itching/bump recently and went to the Doctor. They said that I have HPV which can create warts.

'this is when they freaked out and asked about dying, cures, what is that?, etc' and I would explain that 75% of people (almost everyone that has had sex) that have had sex have HPV but many show no signs of it. however, Sometimes it includes warts which aren't harmful but just annoying and can get removed by a doctor.

What's important is that you get a PAP Smear exam by your gynocologist to make sure you are okay and continue doing that so you make sure there are not irregularities and that we, with each other or others, always use protection.

Then I reiterate that almost everyone that has sex most likely has HPV.


But for a partner I meet at the bar...or someone that I'm having sex with after a very short time of knowing...I'm still not sure how to say it as my guess is that serious topic will be an instant buzz-kill and finish the evening and probably any future meeting.


Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. I've been looking all over the net but couldn't find any resources so came back to this site which I used when I was a teen (but unfortunately didn't follow the always stay protected advice).

[Heather]

You know, the thing is that if, with a potential new partner, you having that talk, or having HPV IS an instant buzzkill and they're out...well, that's a bummer, but that just is how it is. And, in my book, it certainly beats the alternative, which is not telling someone for whom the information would get them at a no, so having them only say yes because you withheld information. Again, that's when we start to flirt with nonconsent.

There's an extra bonus, btw, to putting this all out there candidly, which is that it will NOT be something that gets everyone to a no, so when you still get a yes (or it's them asking about sex with you, so you're the one saying yes) then you get to be with someone where this is something you can feel a lot more comfortable with.

Puerto Vallarta (so beautiful there!) isn't a small city, as you know, but this system seems to be city-wide, so I'd suggest you call them and see what they suggest, whether they can give you the screening you need (they state they provide full STI testing, so they should be able to, as this is just an HPV screening you need) or refer you elsewhere: http://www.setac.com.mx/en/infecciones- ... on-sexual/

After we get over the hump here with the HOV stuff, I'd certainly be happy to talk to you to brainstorm some ways you might have better luck finding partners with whom you can explore what you want to sexually, and where things feel more mutual for you. (Hint: this is another arena where just learning to be forthright and honest is going to help you, as will not going into sexual interactions where you get a clear sense it's not really going to be what you really want!)

I am sorry that some of your ex-partner's reactions were what they were. I do hope, however, you can recognize that things like them never having educated themselves about STIs isn't on you: again, if sex between you was consensual, and you didn't refuse to use condoms, this is about things that just happen and shared responsibility, not about you doing something to them. I know that even knowing that won't remove all the sting of how some of them responded, but hopefully it can at least let you start to let go of some of your own guilt around it, which I think is misplaced.