Scarleteen

When I was 6 and younger (I don't know when it started) my male babysitter would abuse me. He would finger me and I remember trying to wear rompers and things to make it harder slash impossible for him to do it. I've never told anyone and I'm afraid if I do then they will look at me differently.

What scares me the most is I have no clue when it started (They (it was a couple) were my baby sitters since I was a baby) and how far he went. I didn't know he wasn't supposed to do that when it was happening as I was just a child. I'm 16 now.

Recently for some reason I have been thinking about it a lot and it has been haunting me. I just need to talk with someone and let it out.

I'm sorry we missed you last night, GingerPhoenix. I'm glad you've found a place and a way to finally tell someone: this is an awful secret and trauma to keep to yourself for so long.

I understand how scary it is not to be able to remember much of this. Our memories from early childhood are usually hazy at best, and trauma also tends to do some funny things (though they're protective, generally) with memory.

We're glad to listen to you, give support, and, if you like, help to get you connected with some in-person support, counseling or other help if you want it.

Welcome to Scarleteen, GingerPhoenix. First off, I want to say that I am so, so sorry you have to go through this. Sexual assault is such a profound act of violence and can leave someone traumatized--everything you may be feeling right now is valid. My first suggestion would be to, if you're able, seek a therapist or guidance counselor who can be there in person with you and talk you through your emotions and thoughts. If you'd like to seek help, we can assist you!

Secondly, here are some articles that I think you should read. One on dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault and rape: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... _with_rape that may help you process some of the things that have been haunting you recently, and this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... a_la_carte that gives you some ideas on self-care, an immensely important step in recovering from any kind of trauma.

You are welcome to "let it out" on this thread or on other direct services here (like our live chat).

I have photographic memory and can remember most things in crystal clear video from the time I was about a year and a half old. I'm so glad my mind blocked out most of this but I still have dozens of videos in my head of it.

I already have a therapist because I have several serious heart conditions, nervous system disorders, and chronic pain. I have been fighting with myself to tell her because A. I don't want my parents to know because I think they would feel like they have failed me and B. I already have most people look at me differently because of my medical problems and Indont want to add another person to that list. It's worse that my medical problems are invisible. Looking at me I may look pale and out of breath but besides that I look fine. But inside I'm a medical mess.

I understand: invisible disabilities can be really challenging.

You get to decide who you tell or don't, for any reasons that are your reasons. I would say, however, just as something to think about, that ideally, those choices are going to be based on what you need and feel best about, rather than based on trying to control someone else's feelings or protect them from their own feelings. For example, your parents may feel that way -- and some of that may be because they did -- but they should be able to handle and process those feelings, just like you have to handle and process yours stemming from the abuse. And they may well -- given a choice -- prefer to have any hard feelings they have then to have you go without their support if that's something you want and need.

Again, not a push -- this all gets to be up to you -- just something to think about and a reminder that the person harmed here was you, so what you want and need (barring people's limitations) should be what gets put first.

This therapist you have: do you like her? Do you feel like she's someone you WANT to talk with about the abuse, and who seems like she's got the background she needs to work with sexual abuse? If so, understanding that what you tell her is kept private from your parents unless you ask it not to be (in other words, you don't need to worry about her telling your parents, since your HIPAA legal protections wouldn't allow for that without your permission), and that a therapist isn't going to see someone differently, in a bad way, because of having survived abuse, do you want help taking first steps with talking to her and disclosing this?

If you don't feel like this particular therapist is who you want to talk with about this, for any reason, we're certainly happy to help you locate a counselor or group that specifically focuses on help with surviving sexual abuse, and, as these services usually are, is also something that's low to no cost.

Yeah I think she's pretty good. I'm the type of person that puts everyone in front of myself and have never really thought about what's best for ME. I'll try and get my mom to schedule an appointment.

Glad to hear the you like her and feel comfortable talking to her about this. Is there a way for you to schedule the appointment on your own, or do you have to go through your mom?

I have to go through my mom but it's no problem because I have anxiety problems and that's mainly what I see my therapist for so she'll just think it's for that.

Okay, I was checking to make sure there wouldn't be a delay. Have you spoken to her about setting up an appointment?

Yeah she is setting one up. Just knowing people are there for me has helped a lot. I have been sleeping better the past few days. Sleeping had been hard because he always had black bags over the windows in his room and I guess subconsciously I associate dark rooms with him and what happened. But it's ironic that I can't sleep if there's a light on so I just have to wait till I'm exhausted and basically pass out.

Hello there, GingerPhoenix.

I'm sorry you have so much trouble sleeping, thought I'm glad to know you are dealing with it better.

Sometimes when sleeping is so hard, it helps to have a routine. Maybe taking a tea first -- something soothing without caffeine like chamomile might be helpful -- then maybe a warm shower and after that you can put some nice body lotion. If you do this for a couple of days your brain soon will make the association of this routine with sleeping. Other thing you can do is to keep something that makes you feel safe close to you or in your bed. Such as a blanket, a stuffed animal you like, etc.

I hope these ideas can help you at least a little bit.

I find it helpful to always have this huge red blanket. If I positively can't sleep then I take some Benadryl and it knocks me out pretty quick.

Having good comfort objects goes a long way to making it easier to fall asleep. I've also found that having a white noise generator helps, if for no other reason than I can focus on the sound of it rather than the thoughts that are keeping me awake (your mileage may vary, of course)

I have the fan on and it makes sorta white noise. I have cats and they cuddle with me sometimes. That's nice.

Please please someone be there right now. I realllllly need someone. I feel so alone and I'm crying and I'm so alone.

My therapist started talking about my social anxiety and I didn't have the balls to interrupt her and I tried to through out a life line and said how I have zero to even a negative self confidence but she fucking brushed it off and was like no your confidence is great and I was like in my head, seriously lady don't you see that I need your help.

He has been showing up in my dreams and in my dream I was at his house which is actually a trailer home and I was collecting clothes from his room and I was changing so I was naked and he was looking in the door at me and I felt so awkward and uncomfortable. He's in my dreams and my dreams r where I go to get away from my fucking messed up life and I can't do this.

I wish I had a boyfriend or a sister or someone to hold me at night when I can't sleep and nothing preoccupies my brain and it wonders back to "IT" and help please.

It's two in the morning and your live chat isn't on and I need to talk with someone and I can't and I'm feeling so alone and I need help.

Hi GingerPhoenix. I'm sorry you're feeling so awful right now, and that your therapist responded so poorly to your concerns. I wish I could stick around and talk to you for as long as you need, but unfortunately I'm on my phone and just briefly passing through.

Hopefully another volunteer will be around soon and able to talk to you more, and I'm so sorry that I can't. I may be able to check in again in a few hours, but in the meantime, is there anything you can do that might help you relax a bit? Alternatively, if phoning someone is an option, it might be worth doing a bit of searching to see if there are any sexual assault hotlines in your area that would be staffed, and call them so you at least have someone to talk to now rather than having to wait.

Hang in there.

I live chatted with someone from RAINN and I'm calmed down now. It got really bad with flashbacks and hyperventilating so much I almost passed out. I think I could have gone to 'Nam and gotten less beat up than with my fucking babysitter

If you want to talk some more when you wake up, just give us a shout.

I'm glad, by the way, to hear you expressing anger. In my experience, feeling and expressing anger are a big deal when it comes to healing, and the door out of any self-blame. And you're right: PTSD from sexual abuse can by all means be more severe than it is for people who have been part of or survived wars.

It does sound like you and your current therapist may not be the best fit. There may be a couple ways to get through to her, though, so if you want my ideas on that, let me know.

Thank you. I felt such a catharsis last night talking with the RAINN person. It got really bad and I thought I might mass out from hyperventilating and my heart/ANS issues.

Live chat is ALWAYS offline when I need to use it. When is it online????

We list our chat hours here, with our other direct service information, linked on our front page: http://www.scarleteen.com/need_help_now ... t_services

Chat is not available on Wednesdays, however, the boards are always open, and I'm happy to talk with you here, if you'd like.

Please understand that unlike an organization like RAINN, we don't have millions of dollars a year to work with: we have a very small budget and a very small staff for the number of users who use our services (which often are just as high and sometimes higher than those who use RAINN's services, just to give you some perspective). I wish we could be available 24/7 with services like chat, but we simply lack the resources and staffing to do so. I'm sorry our limited hours and times aren't working for you.

It does sound like RAINN's hotline has been working for you, however, so how about you continue to use that -- since they DO have the resources to be always available -- when you want or need a chat, since it sounds like our chat hours aren't meshing with the times you want them?

We'd also be happy to get you connected with a local resource (this is also most of what RAINN does, so perhaps they have done this for you already?) where you may be able to get individual or group counseling expressly for sexual abuse or assault survivors, if you'd like, so that you have more of the support you're looking for.

I told one of my internet friends and it helped a little and I'm going to tell my rl friend Sunday so hopefully that goes well.

I told my therapist and she mad me tell my mom and she had to report it because I'm a minor and I feel like my life is falling apart but know one else knows. I go to school and everyone just sees my happy go luck front but inside I'm one bad look from falling apart. I've been going headaches at night I think from holding back everything. Nights just suck for me. I wish I had a boyfriend or sibling to hold to making falling asleep easier. I have a teddy bear I clutch for dear life and take Benadryl which knocks me out.

I think everyone thinks I'm dealing with this well but to be honest I don't think I'm dealing with it at all. I think I'm starting to repress it all again but it's hard when social workers come and ask questions and I'm gonna have to go to the police station and they have to record me describing everything and then people get to watch it and with my fucking luck it will be someone I know and they will tell everyone and then everyone will look at my differently.

Also I have really bad self confidence issues and feel like a failure all the time and I can never be good enough and I'm hideous so no one will ever want me. Just throw me away now and get it over with

I'm just done

GingerPhoenix, that all sounds really rough and I'm very sorry to hear you are in such a bad place right now. I can't help, but at least I wanted you to know that someone has seen your message and that some people care! Can you maybe call the RAINN hotline again?