That's what I want but...

[laurabriann]

Hi,
I'm a 17 year-old girl, going to turn 18 in 5 months. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 months now. I really love this guy, so does he. We are having so much fun together in every way. I really want to have sex with him, and I'm feeling ready to lose my virginity. I have been thinking about this for almost about a year, even before we started dating. I had another boyfriend then, who I was in a long distance relationship with. I was feeling the same way then, that I was ready to share something special. Even though, I'm feeling ready to have sex, I am afraid of my parents. My mom and I had that talk so many times, that I shouldn't lose my virginity until I start college. Where I live is full of religious people who believe that a girl who lost her virginity is a whore. I know that this kind of thinking does not make sense at all, and all wrong and stuff. Yet, my parents are considering what these people's thoughts would be like if I lost my virginity. So, they simply do not want me to have sex with ANYONE, not even my boyfriend that I love! I made a lot of research on this, and I know that the only concern that I should have about this is whether I am ready or not. And I know that I'm ready. On the other hand, I am in one of the most prestigious high schools in my country, and I really worked so hard to get into this school -there was an examination to get into the best schools of the country. My parents always threaten me by saying that they will send me to another school if I do something "stupid" such as losing my virginity. I am so scared. I am planning to do it in a few weeks, because I know I am ready and I really want to share the same experience with him. This will be his first time too. The only problem is that I am scared of my parents. They do not believe me at all, due to some incidents that we encounter in the past. What should I do? Should I really wait to get into college, since my mom wants me to do so? I am really in need of help. Goddd, I really want to have this experience, I do not want to wait any longer

[Sam W]

Hi Laurabriann,

This is a tough spot to be in, no doubt. It sounds like you've been doing your research and are ready. But if you think that your parents would follow through with their threats (and that the consequences of that are not something you want to face), then it might be sound to delay until you're out of the house and at college. There's no way to make sure that a parent doesn't find out about you having sex, so if that's something that you really can't risk, you'll have to hold off.

I will say that, even if you can't have intercourse, that doesn't mean you can't have and enjoy a physical connection with your boyfriend. If you want, we can talk about ways to do that.

[laurabriann]

If I keep it as a secret, like I am already deleting all of my text messages every single night before I go to sleep to prevent my mom from reading my messages. I have 2 more years until I go to college. Are there any physical changes that my body will go through after I lose my virginity, which allow my mom to find out about us having sex? We are sexually active, we just did not have sexual intercourse yet.

[Sam W]

Does your mom have a history of reading your messages?

And nope, there are no physical changes your body goes through as a result of having sex, so there's no way to tell by looking at someone what they have or have not done sexually.

[laurabriann]

Yes, last year I went to my boyfriend's house (now he is my ex) and my mom read through my messages and found out that I went to his house, and we had a huge fight. She still doesn't believe me. Yet, next week, they won't be home, they will be in another city and I am planning to invite my boyfriend over, when they are gone. I am deleting all of my messages every single night as I said, so there is no way she can find out by checking my phone. I would definitely not tell anyone else that I had sex, so she can't hear it from anyone else. I know I would be lying to my parents by doing that, but they made me do that.

[Sam W]

Just so you know (and I sense that you do) that is super not okay on her part. And it's ironic that she says her trust in you has been has been wounded when she violated your trust by reading your phone.

I will say that, even if you're careful and he's careful, there is still a chance they find out. So, if you're okay with that risk, then you count it as one of the risks you weigh when deciding to have sex. If not, then you still might have to hold off.

[laurabriann]

Yes, I think you're right. And I know what she has done was totally wrong and disrespectful. I am probably going to wait a bit longer, and if he really loves me, he will respect my decision. The thought of my mom finding out really freaks me out A LOT. My education is not something I can risk. I am still planning to invite my boyfriend over, yet if we don't have an intercourse, even if she gets me tested I would still be a virgin, which would be a relief for her. I am a bit sad since I'm not allowed to do something I want due to their threats. I am feeling really depressed right now, is that normal?

[Sam W]

I think you're correct that if he respects you, he'll respect your decision. I think you might also want to read this piece, as a lot of it applies to your situation:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _virginity

And yes, I would say it's normal to feel depressed when someone in our lives is preventing us from doing something we want and are prepared for. How is your relationship with your parents, would you say?

[laurabriann]

They don't trust me. I have lied to them a few times in the past, because they would never let me go to my boyfriend's house, even though I was not planning to do something "bad". What would I do? Sometimes, you want to spend some time alone with your boyfriend, and -especially my mom- they don't understand that. I went to my boyfriend's house a few times and they didn't find out. Once my dad found out that I lied to him about where I was going, by checking the location of my recent purchases with my credit card. And my mom found out that I went to my boyfriend's house by reading through my messages. So, I think there is no way they can find out if they don't have a proof. They were not home for a weekend, a few months ago, and I was really at home, alone... I think they can't find out if I don't leave any proof to them. But, what you said was right, we can't know for sure that they won't find out. There might be a way for them to find way. Our relationship is like that. They don't trust me, but they also love me I know that. They are so overprotective. And there is something I want to ask you, let's say I had sex with my boyfriend, would he want to have sex more often? Because, I would probably not be able to have sex with him that often, since my parents are home most of the time.

[Sam W]

I follow. Do you generally feel safe and supported at home?

As to your other question, there's nothing about having intercourse that would automatically make him want it more or less often than he already does. And, if you two are up front from the beginning about how this would not be a frequent occurrence, then you both know what to expect.

[laurabriann]

Well, actually I don't feel safe and supported. Because, I am so scared to do something "not okay" for them and be taken away from my current school. If they do so, my future would be like, ruined. They are so strict, they don't let me hang out with my friends that often, I can't even have sleepovers with my best friend of 10 years! I have given up on so many things due to this fear of my parents' threats. They don't know what I'm doing with my bf sexually. Almost everytime we meet, we have some kind of sexual activity such as oral sex. I have never have the conversation with my dad actually, but I am pretty sure he feels the same way as my mom.

[Mo]

One thing that might help you, in making this decision, is to check out this article: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist It's something you could even look at with your boyfriend as you make sure you're both on the same page about things like safer sex, birth control, and the availability of private time & space.

[laurabriann]

Thank you Mo! I will check it out.

[laurabriann]

Hi again,
I just talked to my boyfriend about my decision on losing my virginity. We had a fight, and he said he doesn't trust me anymore because I "lied" to him about being ready to have sex. I tried to explain all of these, and apologized for making him feel that way. Did i do the right thing?

[Eddie C]

Saying what we need and how we feel is always the right thing to do. People can get mad or feel disappointed -- because we do NOT have any power on how people react -- but still is the right thing to do. Same goes with setting boundaries and limits.

I'm sorry to hear your boyfriend wasn't very supportive but you really do NOT have to feel bad or to apologize for anything. Is like if you try a new ice cream flavor and realize it is not what you want. Is absolutely okay to say: "You know what? I don't think I want to eat this ice cream anymore."

Someone who gets mad at us because we are not ready to have sex is not showing very much care about us, you know? How about talking to him and letting him know how his reaction made you feel?

...and after that, what about giving this relationship a check up?

[laurabriann]

Thank you for your reply, Edith! Yes, today I'm planning to talk about how I felt when he reacted like that and wanted me to accept that I was the one to blame. It was obviously not okay for him to make a pressure on me to apologize. This talk actually made me realize something that I didn't before, which is he is definitely not the one I would want to do it. At least, not for now. I thought he would me more supportive and being mad is just normal but the way he blamed me saying I played with his feelings was not okay and made me feel like I was the one to blame to. I really am not sure if this relationship will last long, it just doesn't feel right for now. I hope he will be more supportive when I talk about my feelings. Because I do have feelings, just like him.

[Heather]

I know finding things out about someone, things that change your positive perceptions of them and a relationship, is rough, but the way you're talking is some great self-advocacy. Big props to you on standing up for yourself and keeping yourself in mind.