if my wife isnt in the mood

[Jake8]

If my wife isnt in the mood for sex and I except that with out resentment, is it wrong to masterbate? She gets upset. She feels that we should only be together. I thought I was making a compromise by settling to masterbate. Am I wrong? Please help

[Eddie C]

Hello there, Jake8. Welcome to Scarleteen.

Masturbation is something very personal and is about only just one person. YOU. Your wife not being "in the mood" to have sex and you wanting to masturbate are two totally different issues. The pleasure we get by being sexual with a partner is different of the one we get solo and having one doesn't mean we cannot have the other.

Have you tried to talk with her and let her know that masturbating doesn't mean you don't want to be with her? Does she tell you the why's she feels this way?

[Heather]

It may also be helpful to discuss if she feels her own masturbation, and her sexuality separate from you isn't something she's allowed: if she feels that way, that may be why she also feels the same way about yours. To boot, in most cultures, while men are frequently given cultural permission to masturbate, often from an early age, women are usually socialized growing up against it. So, it may be she doesn't even know how -- or again, feel she has the right -- to have a sexuality or sexual life alone separate from a partner, so talking about how either of you masturbating and having a sexuality that's all your own -- albeit, one you also choose to share with each other sometimes -- may be helpful.

Just a quick reminder, however: Scarleteen is a site and service intended to serve those who are in their teens and twenties. When it comes to older adults like yourself, unless you're asking for help parenting those in that age group, Scarleteen isn't really the service for you. And when it comes to ongoing sexual issues within a marriage, marriage counseling is usually the route for that, anyway.