Scarleteen

Hi, YamiSphinx. Sometimes I really wish I had a 'hug' button on my keyboard, because it sounds like you could really use one right about now. I'm sorry you found such horrible comments (you're right, 'shemale' is a very offensive term); the internet can be a great resource but unfortunately there's a lot of seriously negative stuff out there as well. Too, for many people their gender identity is a central and very important part of who they are, and figuring that out CAN be very emotional, even without others making hurtful remarks.

For what it's worth, I don't think that you have to sacrifice the romantic life you want to find a partner who's affirming of your gender. Sexual desire is almost unimaginably diverse, and just because you haven't met someone yet whose interests would mesh with yours, and who would be supportive, that doesn't mean at all that such people don't exist. Your pool of potential romantic/sexual partners might be a bit smaller, but it's not nonexistent, I promise.

One thing I would suggest, if you haven't thought about it already, is finding a counsellor or therapist you can talk to. There are therapists that specialize in helping people who are trying to figure out their gender or who need some help dealing with all the emotional stuff that can go along with figuring it out. Is that something you might be interested in? (We can keep talking about this here, too, for as long as you like, but more support is never a bad thing. If you're not ready to find someone to talk to in person, that's totally okay too, everyone moves at their own pace, just wanted to throw it out there as a possibility.)

For right now, it sounds like you could use some self-care: is there anything you do to help yourself relax and de-stress? If you need some ideas, there are plenty of suggestions here: Self-Care a La Carte

I also want to ask what you feel you need from us right now. (If you just want someone to listen while you get things off your chest, we can do that!)

Have you looked into genderqueer identities? If not, it sounds like that's a framework that may potentially feel like a good fit for you, especially since there is a LOT of variation within the genderqueer umbrella.

I've never heard the term genderqueer before, what does it mean? Ah the power of Bing. That's what I was thinking before when I thought I might be trans gendered but I wasn't sure since I don't want to be a man.

Have you checked out our primer on gender identities? If not, it goes through a bunch, including genderqueer: Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer.

You might also want to take a peek at a really awesome and supportive community online called Genderfork, which is primarily a community of genderqueer people of various stripes: http://genderfork.com/

As is the case with pretty much any identity-based term, what, exactly, a term means is really about what it means to the person using it: any two people who use the same one may not use it exactly the same way, or have had the exact same experiences.

But the long-story-short when it comes to genderqueer is that when people use that one, what they often mean is some variation on the whole binary system of gender just either not being a fit for them at all OR feeling like they're down with binary gender, but feel like they straddle both binaries in one way or another. Does that make sense?

Transgender, as a term -- again, not everyone uses it the same way -- is generally a term people use to describe feeling like a radically different or "opposite" sex or gender than the one they were assigned at birth. So, if you were assigned female sex at birth (and thus, the gender of a girl and woman), and that still feels like it describes you, then yes, transgender probably isn't going to feel like the experience of gender you're having.

Btw, I want to add that it sounds like the kinds of conversations you've felt so reactive to involved ignorant, transphobic and bigoted people.

I totally get that listening to anything that comes from those places can be super hurtful, whether or not it's us or our identities being talked about. But I'd encourage you to see what you can do to recognize that we want to try -- if for no mother reason, our mental health -- to not put stock in the opinions of bigots and other strongly biased people, nor presume that because they're out there, they are somehow representative of all people because, thank goodness, they're so not. That old adage about the empty barrel making the loudest noise tends to be true much of the time.

And truthfully, even if you *did* have a gender identity they approved of or said they wanted, you would likely want to steer clear of dating or otherwise getting involved with those kinds of people anyway, because hateful people aren't healthy or good for anybody, you know?

I know logically there must be a man or men out there who will accept me but it did rattle me that in all my 24 years I've yet to meet one. I'll clarify after reading that 'comment' I realized I'd never met a man accepting of woman like that.

That term is pretty universally considered a transgender slur, so I'd personally not advise using it regardless.

It sounds to me like you're assuming it's highly unusual for someone who identities as a woman to wish for a penis, and I wouldn't say that's at all so: after all, there are plenty of women -- and their partners, of all genders -- who enjoy strap-on sexuality and some form of genderqueer or crossdressing (obviously "dressing" isn't going to feel like the best fit of a term when we're talking body parts, but it's the closest I've got)identities. I don't know that there's a specific term for what you're describing, but I also don't know there needs to be one: after all, most identity terms have been self-designed or self-tailored historically, so it's not like coming up with whatever term feels like it fits you is a problem. And again, I'd suggest poking around Genderfork some: genderqueer people often will tend to have complex feelings about their bodies and parts, and pretty much always have ideas and feelings that are outside the binary, since that's what genderqueer is all about.

I think sometimes, IMO, it's easy to feel like we must be lost or confused if there's not some pre-established box -- established by someone else before us -- we can fit ourselves into. But the thing is that personal identity really is just that: it's personal, individual, and often unique. The other thing about identity, especially at any time of life where we're in a big phase of figuring out what part of ours is, is that it's kind of always one of those things without any real maps. So, in my personal and professional experience, often the best advice I feel like I can give for someone who is expressing some of what you are per feeling lost and confused is to see what you can do to accept that that isn't something that has to be a problem, or has to be fixed: the better, easier path can often be to just accept that personal identity is often confusing, and can leave us feeling lost, but that can be okay, and can be something to just work on learning to accept instead of trying to fix.

In other words, much like taking a walk somewhere we haven't before, where we don't have maps, doesn't have to be an emergency or a problem, it can just be a surprise and an adventure, the same can be true here.

With not having yet met men who aren't transphobic or otherwise biased or bigoted around this and, more still, are accepting of a range of different genders and ways of being or feeling embodies, I'd want to know how sexually diverse the people in your life and community have been as a whole. Because if you haven't spent a whole lot of time in or around queer and/or genderqueer/nonbinary communities, then I'd not be all that surprised you haven't yet encountered anyone like that. Too, if this is really the first time you're even talking to anyone else about your feelings and identity like this, then by all means, you also won't have had many chances to find out how anyone -- men or otherwise -- feel about you in this regard, you know?

(Lastly, I gotta say, "all my 24 years" isn't actually that long of a time, especially since it's pretty unlikely you've had many -- or even any -- of these kinds of conversations with plenty people for probably at least the first half of those 24 -- your profile says 26, so if you made a typo, figure I mean 26 -- if not longer. So, if this all feels like something that's been lacking your whole life, while that feeling is for real, it's probably more about it feeling like you've been lacking those folks for longer than you actually have been. I don't mean to call you out, I just personally find that perspective-checks can be good, especially if and when we're being hyperbolic to a degree that's probably increasing our isolation or suffering.)

As an additional thought, it might help to realize that there are certainly people who identify as women and have a penis. Some of those women identify as transgender, and some of those women simply identify as women -- there's no right or wrong with that, it's all about what words feel true for a given person and right for them.

The point with that add is that our gender identity isn't really about body parts unless we want it to be and it IS about that for us. For sure, the assignment of gender is about that, but not everyone (myself very much included) agrees that that's something sound for anyone to be doing, just like not everyone agrees that gender MUST have something to do with any given kind of body or body parts, particularly since we know full well that for some of us, it doesn't have to do with that.

So, it may be that if genderqueer also doesn't feel like a fit for you, and what you feel like, per your gender, is a woman, then "woman" may simply be and feel like the right gender identity for you, and the fact that you feel like you should have, or that you want, a penis, actually doesn't change that identity as you experience it at all. It just may feel discordant or like it's not allowed because of ideas (your own or those of others), that that can only be someone's identity if they have and want a vulva.

And really, all that is, when it comes to gender, truly is an idea, -- like some people's ideas about a god (or a lack of god), or some people's ideas about music -- one you get to sign unto or not based on what you want and feels right for you like any other.

I think that best friend sounds like a wonderful person for you to talk with. Sometimes -- and I don't think this usually comes from anyone being crappy -- people who aren't trans can assume that trans identities are not nuanced, and are very cut-and-dried. But there are plenty of transgender people (probably most, really), whose sense of gender and identity, and experiences with both, are still very complex, and nothing close to as simple as not-this-way-but-this-opposite-way.

So, in the event you're reticent to talk to your friend because of anything like that, I'd suggest you figure you don't want to cut yourself OR them off of what sounds like it could be some really mutually beneficial accord and support.

It does also sounds like it's not that big a shocker you haven't met any men yet who are cool with people having something besides the most binary or cisgender or transgender identities. It sounds like you still have yet to really be around a real range of people and away from people who it sounds like have more than their fair share of biases. So, for now, I'd suggest you consider that that lack of exposure doesn't tell you about all mean, it just tells you about the limitations, thus far, you've had per the opportunity to meet men who think differently.

That all sounds good to me! How are you feeling about it?

A little nervous, a little hopeful. I know even if she doesn't really understand that she will try to be there for me. I just don't know how I will react to actually saying it to someone. I never imagined when I wrote my first post here that it would make me as emotional as it did. It really opened some floodgates that just blindsided me. I'll definitely be taking tissues with me.

Something you might find helpful is to sit down with paper and pen -- or whatever electronic means you like and use to write things with -- and just kind of write out different responses and then write out your feelings around them. That kind of exercise might just help you to emotionally prepare yourself and to process some of your own feelings.

It might also help you clarify some of what you want and need, or what limits you have. For instance, if you figure out there are some ways of being responded to that just feel very much like something you can't handle, then you can tell your friend -- or anyone else you talk to about this -- about those in advance, and let them know that while you respect whatever feelings they may have, you'd like to ask them to please not respond to you in those ways.

That's a good idea, I'll give it a try! Thanks for all your help and for listening to all my confusion. <3

Absolutely my pleasure. Glad to be of service.