Scarleteen

Hi all.

I feel a bit awkward posting here...mostly because I am not a teen. I'm in my mid 30's. I am however quite inexperienced having had only the one partner.

So...since my late teens I have identified as a lesbian. I've been in a commited relationship for 15 years. My parter and I have children together. But I'm finding that the older I get, the more curious I get about hetro sex. I have put this down in the most part to a basic reproductive drive.

So...I'm wondering a few things here. Is it unusual to identify as lesbian but have bi curiosity? You often hear of a straight person having same sex curiosities....but not the other way around. Is this likely to be a genuine curiosity or one that is sparked by basic reproductive drive? Or something else? And should I try to act on the curiosity reguardless of the potential reason it exists? Or not?

I am curious about this yes...but there is fear too. Fear of acting on it and comming out the otherside deeply regretting it. Fear of not acting on it and never knowing. Fear of hurting a potential male partner cause in the spirit of honesty I have to turn around and say 'ya know what? That really wasn't my thing...sorry.'

Then there is the fact that I consider myself a demisexual too. Only attracted to a person when there is an emotional and mental connection felt.

And as for my partner...yes...I have mentioned this to her. I have said that there is a growing curiosity but I was doubtful I would ever go through with it. We have a polyamerous relationship so I do have the freedom to explore this if I decide to do so. ( Yet another strange thing...poly relationship for 15 years yet still...I've only had the one partner.)

Very interested to read advise,suggestions and your experiences...or anything else uou have to offer.

Thanks
Lexi

Hi Lexi,

I think this is one of those times it helps to remember that sexuality is a thing that can morph and change over your lifetime. So you're not the only person who identified as lesbian and then went "hrrrm, thinking I might be more bi than previously thought."

As for what to do about your desires, that's up to you. If you want to try being in a relationship or having sex with a guy, then go for it (assuming that's within the bounds of your particular poly arrangement). It might also help to be up front with that partner should you choose to have sex with him. So, making it clear that this is something you're trying out to see if you like, and if you don't, that's not a knock against him.

You say your afraid of regretting acting on it if you choose to do so. What do you think you'd regret?

Too, this may be a part of your attraction that happens in your head, but that you never act on, for various reasons. That would not be a wrong decision, just like choosing to act on it would not be wrong.

Too, if you haven't already seen it, perhaps this piece and the ones it links to might help some: http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/johanna_ ... l_fluidity

By the by, in queer-women spaces - so, ones that are bi/pan inclusive and not exclusively lesbian - it's very common for women to talk about shifts in orientation, fluidity, broadening of orientation, new discoveries, in all directions, including lesbian to bi/pan, lesbian to questioning, lesbian to any different flavour of queer. It is, indeed, very much a thing that happens

Thanks for the replies Sam M and Redskies

Sam M - You asked why I am afraid of regretting acting on this? I've spent a day or so contemplating it for a day or so now...and I think it may reflect on my lack of overall inexperience..and also my few experiences I have had.. In my mid to late teens I did date a couple of guys. One I realise now...was just sleezy...but I kinda just went with it at the time cause all my friends were dating and it seemed like that was the thing to do at the time. I look back on that now and just shudder.

The other guy was the cousin of a friend who saw a pic of me in our year book and asked her cousin to set us up. We dated for about 3 months and I found out after we broke up that the only reason he wanted to meet/go out with me was becase he thought from my pic that I looked like I was easy.

So I guess the admittedly narrow experience I have had with males has not been positive.

Lexi

You know, the great thing about even crummy experiences is that they give us insight (when we're open to it, which you clearly are).

So, for sure, those experiences sound lousy, but you have takeaways from them you can apply moving forward, like knowing that just dating anyone (of any gender) because friends are dating and you feel you have to is a recipe for disaster and not choosing people you date very well. You also can move forward, if you do, by nixing setups from someone else, especially those based on nothing but a picture.

And you get to take any of this slow, getting to know people, even as friends first, if you like, before you do pursue any romantic or sexual relationships. It also sounds like your partner has had more experience dating than you have, and since you are in a poly relationship, it seems pretty likely that you could ask her for some help here just when it comes to the how of dating anyone, you know?