it was really nice while it lasted

[bigbywolf]

Hey I don't know if this is appropriate or not because I don't know if the end of this will result in me asking a question or not - I guess it does. Just by way of general advice.

About two weeks ago my first long term relationship (2 1/2 yrs) was ended. He had a girlfriend before me, but for me, he was my first everything. First handhold, kiss, sex, love. All of it. And he was a really nice guy - I am not saying that by way of the grieving process (idealising), he just was such an incredible dude. But for lack of communication we weren't good for eachother anymore. And it's understandably sucking right now.

The first week post-breakup it was tears and talking to my mom trying to figure out how I felt about the whole thing. This week had been a lot better - but today there's been a slip in mood.

The problem that I have is we live somewhere really small and are part of the same friend group (which was great - until the breakup). I haven't seen him since, but I'm terrified of it. I'm going to just try be kind and sensitive and forgiving when I see him - but it's really scary.

I also really, really don't like being single. I love having had a partner in crime and I'm terrified I can't get that back where I currently live. We live on a small island, and it's a half hour boat ride to get to the "mainland". Said boat ride is also expensive. The paranoia of a "long distance" relationship almost being gauranteed to me is scary. I'm so tactile.

This is silly, but I also feel like even though I'm so lucky my first relationship was as close to perfect as it was ever going to be, I've now set the bar far too high for myself. I don't know how I can find someone that felt as nice as him, or was as kind and smart and sensitive as him. But I know that I was hard work in the relationship, and he will have an easier time of finding someone that will treat him kinder than I ever did - which is good, I want him to have the kind of relationship that he deserves. I'm frightened about the future and I regret how I was in this relationship - but getting back together is not the right 'next step'. I just want a bit of reassurance.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf,

I think I can manage that . It's hard losing your first love, especially when it sounds like there were a lot of positives in the relationship. But it is one of those things that happens to pretty much everyone. As far as your friend group, one thing to try is contact specific friends for a one on one hangout, so you don;t feel lonely but also don't have to see your ex right away.

And as for the future, you're right that it's this big scary unknown right now. But there's actually a positive in that unknown. In a few months, a year, you don't know for certain where you'll be in your life or what will have happened. And someone else (and likely several someone elses) who makes a good partner for you will come into your life.

I think you might find these two pieces helpful right about now:
First, But Not Last: On Finding, Navigating and Losing First Loves
Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

[bigbywolf]

I worry about future partners because I don't want something long distanc e- but long distance is almost guaranteed considering I live on a small island.

It's now been a month since I've seen him. We've had maybe two text conversation since - all very short.

It turns out the weekend after we broke up he got very high with his best friend. I had a really deeply negative relationship with drugs because of a family history / a really specific incident that involved an almost sibling death and while I appreciate that he didn't get high until after we were finished it was still kind of a kick in the gut. Like he never really understood why it meant so much to me to stay away from them. I know he can do whatever the Hell he wants now. I'm going to a counselor on Thursday because outside of this relationship I'm starting to realize I'm not studying the right thing for me. This is all so much bigger than me right now and I am not doing well.

[Redskies]

Hi, bigbywolf - sorry you've had a wait on this!

I'm sorry you're finding things so tough at the moment, and I think seeing a counsellor is a really good, smart move on your part. Big props for taking care of yourself.

With everything else you're wrestling with right now, I wonder if it might be better for you to just put the concern about finding future partners aside for now? I hear you about your concern, and I know that being or feeling relatively isolated can be a barrier for meeting potential suitable people. It just sounds like right now, you have enough on your plate, and everyone's plate is only so big, you know? Sometimes, trying to deal with and figure out everything at the same time is more than a person can do.

I think that you feeling so strongly about his drug use is an indication of how you still feel very connected to him, and you finding it hard to transition out of this relationship. It's okay that you're finding it hard! First big loves tend to be something that's very hard to adapt to not having in our lives any more, or not having in the same way. A counsellor is a really good resource to draw on to help you deal with it and adjust. Too, I think the articles Sam linked you to above have some suggestions for things to try and people in your personal life to get support from. Do any of the suggestions sound like they'd help you?

Per the drugs: I think it's really important to remember that any agreements and understandings in a relationship only hold while that relationship is ongoing. I know it can be very painful and confusing when someone we were close to then behaves very differently after the relationship: but, I think that not separating their behaviour during the relationship from their behaviour after the relationship causes you more pain than is necessary - it can really hurt to look back on something that was very special to us and feel like it wasn't what we thought it was after all. But, that's not what I'm hearing you describe. The decisions he's made since the break-up don't impact on the relationship you had together: only the decisions he made and the things he did during the relationship say anything about what the relationship and his agreements with you meant to him. For me, hearing from the outside (and I know it's so much easier to say this from the outside), if he didn't use any drugs while you were together, that sounds very much like he DID understand and respect what it meant to you; he simply doesn't feel the same way himself. It's possible to understand and care very much why another person feels the way they do, and still not share their attitude.

And, I'm sorry you went through that with your sibling. I know how horrible and world-shaking a life-threatening incident with a family member is.