I am very confused...was I assaulted/abused?

[MoonStone7]

Hi,

So when I was about nine years old, our neighbours moved out and some new people came to live there. We share the same driveway so we were pretty close, and my parents new them pretty well. They had two sons, one who was around 2-4 years older than me, and a brother one year younger than me.
One time, the older guy admitted that he liked me, and I thought, "well, okay..." (I mean, I was only nine!). Then, when his brother and my siblings left the room, he would nag me and manipulate me into doing stuff he wanted...it wasn't to the severity of other people on this forum, but he convinced me to pull up my top so he could see my breasts (which weren't really proper breasts at the time). Then he went to touch them, but I pulled my top down and ignored him.
Another time, he made me pull my pants down, but I kept refusing. Eventually, somehow, he managed to convince me to do it, and I'm pretty sure I did it.
He also coerced me into kissing him and he gave me french kisses too, which I really did not enjoy and thought was disgusting. He also humped me and it made me feel gross, but at the time I thought it was normal. He also made me play mums and dads where he was the dad and I was the mum, and he would even bring my siblings into it (who were quite young at the time) and make them 'our kids.'
He did this almost everyday for a period of about 6 months, until his family moved away and a new family moved in.

Is this abuse because it was coercion? Even though it was so long ago, I am still wondering.
Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Sam W]

Hi Moonstone,

I would say that this fits into most definitions of sexual abuse, since he was coercing you into sexual stuff that you clearly did not want. That's really sucky, and I'm sorry this person did this to you. However, more than the definition I can give you, your own feelings around this are how you can determine what you want to call what happened to you. So, if you feel this was abuse (and, as I said, it most certainly fits within that category from where I am standing), then go ahead and call it that.

[MoonStone7]

Hi Sam,

Thanks so much for answer and sorry for my late reply!!
Ok so it's safe to assume that this is sexual abuse then... Where should I go from here? I don't think there were any long term effects of it, like lots of other people have been saying. Is this normal?
I did have (what seemed to be) depression from the ages of 11-12. My school counsellor wouldn't test me because then she would be obliged to share the results with my parents. Could the depression be caused by my experience at age nine?

Also, would it be appropriate to share this with my friends - just to let them know, or should I keep it private (e.g. is it something that shouldn't be spoken about?)? And if so, how do I tell them?
My parents already know.

Thanks so much for all the info so far!!

[Ashleah]

Hi Moonstone,

There isn't any "normal" way that a person handles assault. While there might be some typical effects of assault, every person is unique and will experience these in different ways or not at all. Very much like you getting to choose what to call what happened, you get to decide what you want to do about it.

If you want to explore this more with a professional we can recommend an advocate or counselor in your area. For some it can be hard to identify how something has impacted them. Mental healthcare is something that can aid in that. Just by calling and asking questions doesn't mean that you have to commit to any process, but it would give you an opportunity to explore if it is something that you feel would be helpful for you. If you decide it is GREAT! If you decide, "not so much" that's also GREAT. It really up to you.

Having a support system is certainly beneficial in all situations! But support doesn't have to be you telling your friends about the abuse, just having them around might be enough. Again, you get to decide how much or how little you want to share with anyone!

If you check out the abuse & assault section on the main page you can find more information including stories from survivors. If there is something specific you might be looking for, let us know

[MoonStone7]

Hey,

Sorry to bring up this oldish thread again, but I have just been feeling a few things recently that I really want to talk about.

For starters I feel like the assaults were my fault in a way. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I still do, because I think now that if I had said no, or pushed him away or told someone then it would have all stopped. He told me "don't tell anyone, this is our secret" so I didn't - he made me feel special and I feel stupid because I believed him. I feel that if I hadn't listened and told someone I wouldn't have to have gone through that. I feel like it was my fault that I decided not to tell anyone and that I had full control over my actions yet I didn't try to stop it.
He just made me feel accepted and nice so I agreed to whatever he told me to do. I don't know if I really wanted it or not at the time. But now I feel so mad at myself as to why I didn't just say no and move on.
So basically that's why I feel like it's my fault. I didn't do anything when I easily could have. I shouldn't have believed him.
Does this mean that it's my fault this happened to me? Or is it still not my fault? Because right now I'm having trouble convincing myself that I wasn't to blame.

Thanks for all the help so far
~MoonStone

[Redskies]

Hi there, Moonstone. And no worries, you post on your thread whenever it's relevant, it's what we're here for .

The assaults weren't your fault, in any way. I hear why you feel like they were, and that you feel like you Shouldn't feel that - that's always a tangled mix of feelings. Feeling like an assault was our own fault is a really common thing, and it's actually a result of the assault itself. So, the feeling you have is real, but it's a reality of the assault, and absolutely not true in its own right.

It's really brave of you to say that you feel it was your fault. For many people who experienced sexual abuse as a child, feeling like it was our own fault is one of the absolute scariest and darkest things afterwards. I hope that being able to say it - being able to acknowledge a hard and scary thing - will begin to let enough sunlight in to it so that you can gradually see that it's not true.

You said that you think he'd've stopped if you said no. The thing is, I see in your descriptions further up the thread, you DID say no and you DID indicate no, a lot. I don't believe that you saying no one more time would have resulted in him stopping, because that's just not how it goes when someone's being abusive. You DID say no, and it wasn't your fault.

It's really important to remember that you were 9. Being 9 isn't the same as being 14, or 19, or 29. Someone who is 9 conceptualises the world a little differently, sees their own place in the world a little differently, than someone who is 14 or 19, because it's a different stage of development. That's not in any way saying that a 9-year-old-perspective is less true or less real - because it's not, that's rubbish - it's just different. People who are a little older can use that difference in perspective in order to persuade us to do things that we don't want to, to persuade us that maybe we want a thing we don't Really want, to persuade us that something that feels wrong to us is actually okay, to persuade us not to tell anyone something. What you're describing in his behaviour is really very textbook in coercing a child to stop resisting abuse and to keep them quiet. It actually wasn't easy for you to do something about the abuse while you were in it, because he made it impossible. People who abuse others deliberately make it extremely difficult for someone to get out of the abuse or tell someone else about it. Making someone feel special, telling them it's "our secret", repeatedly overriding someone's resistance - those are all things that can keep someone of any age feeling trapped, but they're especially effective on children. None of what happened was your fault, because he used some of the biggest weapons in the world against you. It's simply that, until we're a little educated on abuse, we often don't know that they were weapons, so we can all too easily believe it was our fault. It never is.

How are you doing with that? Anything else you'd like to talk about or share with us?

(By the by, I absolutely love your signature quotation. So very deep and relateable, in so many different ways. And that's a fun show!)

[MoonStone7]

Hi Redskies,

Thanks for the reassurance I just try not to think about what happened too much because when I think of it I feel guilty even though I hear your reasons for why it's not my fault. I'm just struggling with ways to move on from what happened. I feel like I need to forgive myself in a way, but that would imply that I did something wrong, but I didn't - obviously I'm very confused and my feelings are everywhere!! Are there any specific things I can do to come to terms with what happened? Because I feel like I neverproperly gave myself closure and moved on.
I'm also very worried about any other girls that he may have come across and done the same thing to, perhaps even worse. I really hope he has stopped. Is it likely that a person who has done this will repeat on other people?

Thanks for all the help so far!!

(P.S. Redskies - thanks for the comment on my signature quote - it's on of my favourite quotes and the show is also my favourite )

[Heather]

It is, unfortunately likely that he will assault other people.

But just like his assault of you, that's 100% on him. It's on you to take care of yourself in whatever ways feel right to you. It's NOT on you to try change or control -- as if you could: you can't -- this guy's behavior. It deeply stinks that there are rapists and abusers in the world, and that they most often tend to do it more than once, and to more than once person. It's absolutely awful. But none of that is on or about victims: it's all about and on the people who chose to rape or otherwise abuse and assault. Okay?

And it does sound like you need to forgive yourself: after all, that's kind of just a version of letting yourself off the hook, and letting things like feelings of guilt and shame go as you can. Sometimes, when you're not yet at the point where you can fully accept and know that this was not your fault, you can go ahead and say to yourself something like, "Self: okay, I think some of this is your fault, whether or not it actually is. But even if it is, I forgive you, we're cool, let's be nice to each other and just move forward from here." That's something I had to do for myself for a few years with surviving sexual assaults, and until I got to the point where I knew it wasn't my fault and exactly whose fault it was, it did help me still move forward towards the not-my-fault place.

[Redskies]

(crossed with Heather while writing this, but we're saying some different things, so I think you can usefully have both of us )

It's especially common for people who were assaulted at a young age to come back round to it a few years later and feel like there's some stuff from it we've got stuck with that we weren't able to deal with or process at the time. Somewhere in our mid-teens - like you are - is often when people begin to grow into an adult version of our own sexuality, and that can trigger a lot of memories, thoughts or feelings about previous abuse. It can also be the first time we have the tools or ability to process what happened, and that can mean it's the first time we really allow ourselves to unlock certain things in our minds, because it's the first time it's been safe or possible to do so.

Per specific things that you might do to help you come to terms with it: there are a number of possibilities, and it really depends what you feel good about and what you think might help you.
- becoming part of a safe, supported community of people who've experienced assault or abuse, either in-person or online. Some people find it beneficial to experience for themselves just how much they're not alone and that the assault wasn't about them personally. Nearly everyone finds it easier to see how someone else wasn't to blame than to feel like our own self wasn't to blame, and for some people, experiencing that knowledge about other people and other situations can help them to internalize the knowledge that they weren't to blame either.
- getting some good education about assault, common reactions to assault, and recovery from assault. Some people find it helpful to know and understand the mechanisms generally and can then apply them to their own experiences.
- using or following a good self-help book for assault/abuse recovery. This can have some combination of education and other people's stories, too. Some people find it helpful to have a book to go through, to have things written in print in front of them. There are usually suggested exercises that can help people work through particular kinds of challenging feelings.
- talking to an in-person counsellor specifically trained in assault and abuse issues. Some people find that feelings of guilt are reduced a lot by talking to a supportive, trained person. This might provide you with a safe space To actually think about what happened and to feel the guilt you feel, express it and process it with someone safe. I understand trying not to think about it much - and by all means, that's a safety-for-self decision that's wise to make if it feels unsafe to think about, or if we're lacking suitable support - but often, being able to think about what happened and feel what we feel is a big key to being able to let guilt go.

Do any of those feel like a good fit for you? If they do, we'd be happy to suggest resources that we think are good, or help you find local in-person resources if that's what you wanted.