Scarleteen

Hey folks!

I'm 19, and my girlfriend and I have been dating for two years now. When we started dating, I was 17 and she was 21. Our age difference has never bothered me, or anyone I'm close with (the age of consent is 16 where I live). However, some people whose opinions I respect have been recently sharing articles like this one: thedatingfeminist.tumblr.com/post/126189616014/it-is-an-adults-job-not-to-date-children-i (TL;DR: people over 18 in relationships with people under 18 with an age difference that's more than 1-2 years have an inherently unhealthy and abusive power imbalance). I've looked at red flag lists for abusive relationships, and none of those signs apply to mine.

I've also looked at green flag lists, and those signs indicate a healthy partnership for us. I don't think this power imbalance is present in my relationship, especially given that I'm 19 now, but I suppose if it were I could be turning a blind eye to it. I would really appreciate some external input on this!

I think we always need to be wary anytime anyone makes any kind of statement that suggests alwayses, particularly when we're talking about something as diverse and nuanced as interpersonal, intimate relationships.

By all means, age is one of those things which give some people privilege, and where others don't have it. But so is sex or gender, race or ethnicity, economic status and a host of other arenas in which power and privilege -- or the lack thereof -- can create imbalances between people. And we've got to think intersectionally, so whereas your partner had some privilege you didn't when she was above the age of majority and you weren't, your sex or gender -- being a man -- gave and gives you some that she doesn't have as a woman.

Ultimately, when it comes to anything like this, what I'm always looking to evaluate isn't if there are areas where one person has more power or privilege than another, since that's usually going to be the case in one way or another (if not far more) in any relationship. Instead, what I'm going to look at is what kind of awareness everyone involved has when it comes to who has power or privilege someone else in the relationship doesn't, and how that's being managed. Additionally, I'm going to look at the kinds of things you clearly already have, at the relationship dynamics as a whole to see if it seems healthy or not.

It sounds like you've made your own evaluations here, and I suspect this is also something the two of you have talked about in the time you've been together, given how deeply you're thinking about it. It sounds like, having done that, you know how you feel and that you feel strongly your relationship -- which isn't something someone can write an article or blog post about based on universals -- is one that's beneficial to you and that you feel good about. You're the expert of your own relationships, not someone generalizing about all relationships.