Advice on starting a difficult conversation

[silverc]

Hi! So, on the last few months I've been on what seems to be a continuing pregnancy scare. Because of that I decided to stop having vaginal sex until I felt more ready. However I have recently found myself worrying even about things that are not supposed to present a pregnancy risk. On Friday I had manual sex with my boyfriend and even though I was wearing denim shorts and panties when he came I kept thinking "what if I didn't notice that some semen fell on my thigh and then dripped to the inside of my shorts?" I am on the pill but I had a bit of diarrhea on Wednesday and Thursday and I just can't bring myself to feel safe. Because of all that I decided that I need to talk to my boyfriend about it so that we can engage in things that I feel safe doing. Do you guys have any advice on how can I start a conversation like that? It seems so hard to justify this fears because they seem irrational. It's just really hard to keep on with this situation. I almost got emergency birth control after that incident but I read your article about how you can't get pregnant while wearing pants and decided not to.

[Heather]

What I'd say to you, first and foremost, is that whether your fears are or aren't rational, they're real, and so long as you feel afraid, this isn't any good for you. You don't have to justify how you're feeling to a partner or anyone else to set limits so you can take better care of yourself and make sexual choices you feel good about. The fact that you can't feel good about it should always be all any partner needs to know, since anyone who'd be a good choice as a partner would themselves be at a no to anything any partner of theirs doesn't feel good about, too. Okay?

In terms of opening up this conversation -- or, more to the point, this statement of the limits you need -- I'd just suggest letting your boyfriend know you're really struggling with all of this, and know that you just need to take anything freaking you out off the table until a) you figure out how to deal with that when it happens, and dealing with it feels doable and okay, or b) you figure out what you need to really feel okay and comfortable with these sexual activities (which may include a "it not being now or even soon, but sometime later down the road").

Then you can talk about what things you DO feel comfortable doing and want to do, and ask him what of those things he generally (obviously taking into account who knows which of them either of you may be in the mood for on any given day) also feels good about doing and wants to do.

That seem doable for you?

[silverc]

It certainly does! Thank you so much for the help! It's such a stressful situation. A lot of the time I feel I need to justify things like that and your advice on that really helped. I will talk to him next time I see him. He has been really comprehensive on other matters which I've struggled with. I'm starting to think I have anxiety and should probably find some help from a health care provider.
Just one last question, I read in the boards achieve that only a more severe diarrhea would affect the pill. So like two watery stools in 48h shouldn't be a problem. Is that right?

[Johanna]

The kind of diarrhea that may affect birth control is severe diarrhea where you feel like everything is just going straight through you. In that case, your pill may not be properly absorbed, especially if you go to the bathroom soon after taking it. If you only had soft stools, you should be fine!

[silverc]

Oh ok! I don't think that was the case. I had pains in my abdomen all day but I only felt like going to the bathroom at night. And I take my pill in the morning. Thanks for the help. This website is awesome.

[Heather]

You're so welcome: thanks for the compliment!