Scarleteen

Hi Scarleteen!

I have been dating an amazing guy for over 2 years. We really love each other and want to move in together soon. Currently he is hiking the Appalachian Trail so we have had a lot of time apart to think about things. We have very different views on the world. He is pragmatic and logical, and I am very emotional and go with my gut feelings a lot. If we were elements, he would be earth and I would be water. However, we're also very close. We're very good friends and love to spend time together. I am definitely a city person and he is not. We're just different in a lot of ways.

Anyway. Before his trip, we were also long distance. He was working at a gym and worked very early shifts, usually starting at 4 AM. He was usually in bed around 7:30/8 while I was going to sleep closer to 11/midnight. This left a lot of time for me to feel lonely. Even when I visited him on the weekends and took time off to see him, he would be sleeping half the time because of his crazy sleep schedule.

Enter the other guy. I had a huge thing for him in high school and we did date briefly before my boyfriend and I started dating. I've always had a thing for him and have always wondered about him. Things feel different to me now between my boyfriend and I. I don't get butterflies or get turned on easily by him. The chemistry between me and this other guy is electric but my boyfriend and I have fizzled, in my opinion. My boyfriend thinks everything is great and he has decided I am the one and can't even imagine anything different. I am the opposite. Yes I do love him but I can see my life going in many different ways. So I'm really struggling right now. Do I just have this big crush on this other guy because my boyfriend is gone and we've always been long distance? Or am I too scared that things will fall apart between my boyfriend and I so I'm sabotaging things? I just feel very suffocated and like I can't speak my mind because my true feelings will crush him. Although he is logical, he is very emotional and feels things strongly. His family really likes me and I'm involved in their lives too. It's just very hard. I am unsure of how I feel and that makes me uneasy. I have conflicting thoughts and feelings. Think any light can be shed on my current situation?

Thanks!

Hi, stlyogi9. Welcome to Scarleteen.

It's tough to figure out what to do about a romantic or sexual relationship that might be on its way out no matter what, but it can be extra complicated if you find that you're having feelings for someone else. It's also easy, in situations like that, to compare your current partner to the other person (and what a relationship with them might be like), but that can make it even harder to sort out exactly how you're feeling about the relationship you're in right now. (Especially since new relationship energy or having a crush on someone is a very different - and often more emotionally charged and exciting - experience than what tends to happen when you've been with someone for a bit longer.)

I'm hearing quite a bit of uncertainty regarding your feelings about your relationship with your boyfriend: different worldviews, ways of reacting to things, preferences and tastes. If this other guy weren't in the picture at all, and you just had to think about whether or not you want to continue your current relationship, what would you do? From where I'm standing, it seems like you and your boyfriend, while you might enjoy spending time together and have a lot of love for each other, might be a better fit as friends instead of partners. But that's just my take, and something you'll have to figure out for yourself. (There's a piece on the main site that might help you clarify some of your feelings: Should I Stay or Should I Go?)

As far as talking to your boyfriend goes, might he be upset? Yep. But that happens sometimes, and not talking about it isn't going to do anyone any favours: you're not feeling great about the relationship as is, and that's not going to change if you don't say something, and while he'll probably be upset, he obviously cares about you and he would also probably prefer you to be happy and comfortable instead of silently miserable.