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Ashamed, but can't stop

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Robinjen
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Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Robinjen »

Hi there, i don't know if I can get help with this but.....lately I've been becoming more sexually active with my boyfriend and I'm only 15. It sounds horrible it it seems everytime it happens, afterward we both feel extremely guilty for letting it happen. We've talked about it and we said we won't do it again, but it keeps happening. I've talked to my mom about it but it just seems nothing is working. We are both tired of feeling crappy every time we let it happen. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess what I'm asking for is advise.
Thank you
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Sam W
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Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi Robinjen,

I'm sorry you've been feeling trapped in the guilt cycle. So, to start out with, can you describe what happens when you two decide to disregard the boundary you set up? Too, where do you think, for you at least, the feelings of guilt might be coming from?

I think you might also find this article helpful:
Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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Robinjen
not a newbie
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2014 4:58 pm
Age: 27
Awesomeness Quotient: Hair
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Sexual identity: Female
Location: Pasco, Washington

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Robinjen »

We usually remind each other that we shouldn't be doing anything like this. But it seems we always forget somehow and it starts of with a kiss and progresses from there (I suppose "the heat of the moment") I feel guilty because I know that I'm too young for this, and that I should be focusing on other things, nothing inappropriate for my age. I feel like I could do better, but I always come back around to feeling guilty.
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Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 10320
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Sam W »

Okay, so something I think you should read right now is this, since it sounds like it applies to what's happening:
When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

When you say you feel like you do better, what does that mean to you?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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Robinjen
not a newbie
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2014 4:58 pm
Age: 27
Awesomeness Quotient: Hair
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She
Sexual identity: Female
Location: Pasco, Washington

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Robinjen »

I read the article, thank you for that. But I think the part were it talks about things moving too fast applies to this situation. Me and my partner want things to just slow down...way down with anything sexual. Well as for doing better, I think I could do better, as in I can make smarter desicions. I want to focus on other things in this relationship and slow things down. (Nothing is ever forced by the way) But we always get caught in the heat of the moment, and things get out if hand, and the after feeling is guilt.
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Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 10320
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Sam W »

Then let's stick with that article for a sec. In the section that jumped out at you, take a look at some of the strategies mentioned. Do any of those seem like things you and your partner could try?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
Top
Robinjen
not a newbie
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2014 4:58 pm
Age: 27
Awesomeness Quotient: Hair
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She
Sexual identity: Female
Location: Pasco, Washington

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Robinjen »

We always ask if we are ok with it, but we might say yes due to the heat of the moment. I would honestly like to stop anything sexual, and focus on other things. I've talked to my partner and they said the same thing about wanting to stop and focus on other things in this relationship.
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Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 10320
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Sam W »

Okay, so what about something like this. Before you even do anything like kissing, agree on where the nope, no going past this line is. When you reach that line, take a break and check in with each other. Do you want to stop entirely? Scale back to a different activity? Then agree on your next course of action and do that.

And trust me, you are not the first person to feel this way. Plenty of people find they get excited and override their limits, the trick is figuring out an approach that helps you avoid doing so again
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
Top
Robinjen
not a newbie
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2014 4:58 pm
Age: 27
Awesomeness Quotient: Hair
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She
Sexual identity: Female
Location: Pasco, Washington

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Robinjen »

I would honestly like to stop entirely and have some time to really think about what I'm comfortable doing and not doing, and where my limits are even if it's in a heat of the moment situation. (I'm sorry if this isn't making any sense)
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Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 10320
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Sam W »

Nope, that totally makes sense :) So, have you and your partner already discussed some ideas for how to go about stopping entirely? Is that something you'd like us to help you with here?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
Top
Robinjen
not a newbie
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2014 4:58 pm
Age: 27
Awesomeness Quotient: Hair
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She
Sexual identity: Female
Location: Pasco, Washington

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Robinjen »

Anything sexual would happen at my place, so we've decided that it would be better to stop hanging out here and hang out somewhere else, like the park, the mall, etc. but is this a good idea?
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Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 10320
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Sam W »

I think that's a great idea! It helps you two stay connected and spend time with each other, but in a space where anything sexual is not an option. I'm also going to give you this article, in case you need some more ideas on how to be intimate with someone without sex:
Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
Top
Robinjen
not a newbie
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2014 4:58 pm
Age: 27
Awesomeness Quotient: Hair
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She
Sexual identity: Female
Location: Pasco, Washington

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Robinjen »

Thank you for the article and everything else!
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Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 10320
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: Ashamed, but can't stop

Unread post by Sam W »

You're welcome :)
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
Top
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