I started dating my partner when I was 21 and he was 33. We were together for four years, lived together most of that time, have shared finances, pets together, etc. At the age of 36, he started having sex with an 18 year old we knew without my knowledge. The teenager was someone we'd already known for a couple years... we had been supporting this person by giving xir a place to stay whenever needed, helped xir through leaving an abusive parent, and have been there for every crisis and major life event since xe was 16 years old. I thought we were helping this person out as a young member of our queer community because xe needed adult support. Obviously my (probably now ex) partner saw it differently and somehow feels that they are peers.
The sexual relationship between the two of them has been going on for at least a year and a half (I just found out around 6 weeks ago). They have both made it very clear that they do not want to stop and will not stop. My (ex) partner is now almost 38 and the other person turned 20 recently. My partner doesn't think he has done anything wrong except lying to me, or that this sexual relationship is inappropriate in any way. He also feels that it is justified because they started having sex during an incredibly emotionally challenging time where I had another long-term partner (we are poly) who lived with us, and at the time he felt totally abandoned by me and turned to this young friend for emotional support.
I believe to my very core that it is completely inappropriate, maybe even verging on predatory. Since neither of them agree with me about this, is there anything I can do? Since the younger person is an adult now, obviously xe can legally consent. Xe thinks I am treating xir like a kid and taking away xir agency by being concerned. My (ex) partner won't listen to me about anything and thinks I am being controlling by trying to stop this sexual relationship. I don't know what to do. I have made some steps towards "moving on", like signing a lease on a new apartment for next month, but I can't get past my feelings about this situation and feeling like I need to *do* something or fix it all somehow.
age differences
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Heather
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Re: age differences
I'm so sorry you've been through this. I tend to find it particularly rough, myself, when people in poly or other open relationships are still dishonest about other partners, despite agreements that would allow them that so long as there's honesty.
I can't speak to what is or isn't appropriate or predatory here, but it does sound like your ex has a habit of dating people considerably younger, as you were yourself, so the fact that he's with someone much younger doesn't seem surprising to me. But by all means, if and when someone is in a position of rescuer to someone and then the relationship is one that becomes sexual, there can most certainly be some big power imbalances and some problematic dynamics, so I can see where you'd have concerns.
However, I'm not sure that there's really anything for you to do here, or where it seems sound, to me, for you to get involved at this point. Both these people are now legal adults, and this person he's dating is probably in a space as similarly sound as yours was when you got involved with this guy. I get your concern, and I trust it's genuine, but I also think that you're probably the last person who should be trying to intervene here since you really can't NOT have your own feelings and stake in all this, unless you're just not human.
Because I don't really see that there's anything for you TO do, and both people have made clear they don't want your intervention, I think all you can do is respectfully back off and leave this. If and when the person he's dating wants your help or intervention, it sounds like you've given a clear message you probably would help. I think that's really all you can do here -- walk away and leave this, acknowledging that there's nothing for you to do and probably nothing you should, even just for your own sake, but certainly when people are saying they feel mutually disrespected by your actions.
If you find, for yourself, you still feel very stuck around this in another few months, this is the kind of stuckness that a good counselor can often help with a lot, so that may be something to stick in your pocket as a thing you can do down the road for yourself if you'd like.
I can't speak to what is or isn't appropriate or predatory here, but it does sound like your ex has a habit of dating people considerably younger, as you were yourself, so the fact that he's with someone much younger doesn't seem surprising to me. But by all means, if and when someone is in a position of rescuer to someone and then the relationship is one that becomes sexual, there can most certainly be some big power imbalances and some problematic dynamics, so I can see where you'd have concerns.
However, I'm not sure that there's really anything for you to do here, or where it seems sound, to me, for you to get involved at this point. Both these people are now legal adults, and this person he's dating is probably in a space as similarly sound as yours was when you got involved with this guy. I get your concern, and I trust it's genuine, but I also think that you're probably the last person who should be trying to intervene here since you really can't NOT have your own feelings and stake in all this, unless you're just not human.
Because I don't really see that there's anything for you TO do, and both people have made clear they don't want your intervention, I think all you can do is respectfully back off and leave this. If and when the person he's dating wants your help or intervention, it sounds like you've given a clear message you probably would help. I think that's really all you can do here -- walk away and leave this, acknowledging that there's nothing for you to do and probably nothing you should, even just for your own sake, but certainly when people are saying they feel mutually disrespected by your actions.
If you find, for yourself, you still feel very stuck around this in another few months, this is the kind of stuckness that a good counselor can often help with a lot, so that may be something to stick in your pocket as a thing you can do down the road for yourself if you'd like.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead