He's Older...

[the-lefty-clan]

-and I have a myriad of questions. I'm a 17 year old girl. I have had sex, but have never felt much in my limited experience. Perhaps it's the age old statement that a high school aged boy can't get a girl off.
1) My main concern isn't the fact that I don't get off, but every time I have vaginal sex I bleed a little. That can't be normal, right?
-Continuing with my story, I don't have a lot of experience with sex.
2) I don't feel sexy... I don't feel desirable, even when someone is clearly interested. It's as though my body is simply going through the motions.
-I had a medical problem, and thus took a hiatus from sex. However, it seems to be clearing up. I am re-acclimating to a health life. I've never really had a long term boyfriend, and I'm okay with that. Lately, my colleague has been insinuating a sexual relationship, but he's 25... I got a bit caught up and gave him oral sex. I'm not ashamed of it, but I think I want to have vaginal sex with him.
3) I meet the age of consent in my state, yet I still have apprehensions. That being said, I do have a bit of excess anxiety on normal occasions.
-All in all, I feel physically healthy, but still wonder
4) Should I disclose all of this to the colleague in question?
5)My last concern, my parents and I have never come close to discussing sex or relationships, and given that it's summer- I have been detached from my friends (they are my main support system) Should I make a decision like this without weighing the options with 'my people?'

Thanks, any help would be great

[Mo]

I wouldn't say that no high school boy can please a female partner, although younger people tend to have had fewer partners and less experience in clear communication during sex, which is a vital part of enjoyment. If you aren't enjoying sex that you're having, I'd certainly encourage you to speak up and do some talking and experimenting with a partner to find if there are sexual activities you do enjoy, and that if you are finding things to be painful or even just not that great that you take a break from those things altogether. We have an article about talking with partners about sex here, if you want some tips: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

Bleeding during sex can be a sign that there's not enough lubrication being used. Are you making sure to use plenty of lube, and to only have vaginal sex when you're feeling relaxed and aroused already? If you're finding that sex in general isn't feeling great, then you may have difficulty feeling aroused and relaxed enough for intercourse to feel comfortable.

Are you also up on your sexual healthcare, including recent STI testing? Bleeding after intercourse can also be an STI symptom. If you aren't up to date on testing, or haven't been following safer sex practices, that's something to look into as well, in case that's the issue.

If you feel like your anxiety or any other health issues might have an impact on sex, those are things you could bring up when talking with this potential partner; if that feels overwhelming you really only need to talk about things that will directly impact the situation and don't necessarily need to talk about why. For example, I have a wrist injury that flares up sometimes so I can't hold a lot of weight on that hand, or move it in certain ways, and that might be something I mention to a partner, but really all I need to say is "oh, I can't do this with my hand, let's find another way to make this work" and move on. And if you need a certain kind of emotional support or response during or after sex then that's something to bring up too - and I think any of this is a good idea to include in the general conversation you might have about sex with a new partner or potential new partner, when you're talking about things like sexual boundaries or safer sex practices or birth control.

In terms of talking with the people you're close to when making decisions about sexual activity, that's a personal decision that's up to you. Some people find that discussing this sort of thing with family or close friends beforehand feels like a great way to get support and advice from loved ones and others feel that it's something personal they'd rather sort out on their own, and either way is fine. We do have a great article about assessing readiness for sexual activity that might be a good place for you to start, though: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

You mention being over the age of consent in your area but one thing you may want to check up on is if there's a legal or adminstrative issue with relationships between colleagues in your particular job; that will vary from one employer/industry to another but in many places there could be repercussions for one or both of you.

[the-lefty-clan]

thanks Mo, that was all quite helpful and set me a bit at ease, and I have been tested for STIs- completely clear