How to Get Over the Sex that Wasn't

[moonlight]

So, I almost had casual sex with someone. He initiated the conversation, we set up a time, a place, and then he just backed out of it.

It's totally his right to do that and I'm glad he did that rather than having sex he wasn't comfortable with, but I'm left feeling totally bummed out.

I've only ever been sexual with one person, so I was really excited to get more experience. And casual sex is something I've always wanted to try, so I was feeling excited to try it.

I'm also left feeling hurt: after the conversation he unfriended me (on Facebook). I guess he was embarrassed or something because he did say some pretty risque stuff he seemed to regret after.

So how do I get over this sex that wasn't? How do I get past feeling hurt, bummed out and wanting to still have sex with him?

[Heather]

Is this also a first time for you when it comes to having an opportunity for sex you wanted than someone else didn't?

Too, you talk about feeling hurt, and being unfriended in social media by this person: was this someone that you'd known for a while and had another kind of close relationship with?

[moonlight]

In my past relationship there were times where I wanted sex, but my boyfriend didn't, but they were easy to handle because I knew there was always time for sex later. In this situation, there won't be sex later (probably not anyways) so I'm finding it harder to handle.

I lived on the same floor as this person in university. I wouldn't say we were ever friends, but we did hang out a bit in groups. We didn't have a close relationship.

And one thing that sucks is that I have no idea why he backed out of this. We were talking Facebook messaging, not face to face so I got no idea of what kind of emotions he was feeling, or when he started to change his mind. He went from enthusiastically agreeing to meet, to saying never mind and asking me to forget this had ever happened.

[Heather]

Okay.

So, I think that this piece might be a good one for you: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... ts_in_a_no

Specific to this situation and kind of deal, I'd add a few things.

Really, one of the deals with casual sex and being okay with it includes, I'd say, being pretty comfortable not only with rejection, but also with a lot of not knowing. In other words, whether sex is something people wind up doing or not, the casual part of all this includes not being very attached to outcomes or any kind of ongoing contact (so hey, maybe you dodged a bullet here, because if that kind of not knowing is hard for you without the sex, chances are good it would have just as hard, if not harder, had it happened).

I'd say the same goes with not often having a lot of processing about people's no's, yesses or maybes. Who knows why this guy decided on a no, including if it had anything, or much, to do with you. It may have, it may not have. It sounds to me like you're presuming it must have, and perhaps that if it did, it had a lot to do with you, otherwise it seems like this probably wouldn't be hitting you so hard.

Can you consider, perhaps, that his reasons could have been anything at all, and also try and accept that they're actually not really for you to no? I'd say that one of the reasons casual sex can appeal to people is often because even in nixing it, they get to just nix it and walk away without having to fill a potential partner in on their whys or have any other interactions. This may also have been the why of his unfriending you, because not having moved forward with this, he just didn't want continued contact because -- like sex was your central interest, assuming it was -- the same was true with him, and once that was off the table, he just didn't have any reason to stay connected, you know?

You ask how you can deal with still wanting to have sex with him, and what I'd say with that is that it probably won't be that hard. We're not talking about a major love affair or intimacy here, so typically, when we have sexual desires for someone and that's basically it, they tend to come and go pretty quickly without hanging on for long -- especially when we don't explore them together -- just by the passing of time. And it's not like we can't deal with having sexual desires for someone who doesn't want to pursue them with us: we can handle that, just like, say, we can handle having interest in a temporary job that just didn't pain out.

I will say, though, that in my experience, women often aren't socialized in a way to be prepared for sexual rejection, especially from men, so can sometimes have a harder time with it, particularly if they had the idea that if they were a go, a guy who was at a maybe would of course be at a yes. There's a lot of cultural messaging out there that says men are always at a yes when women are, so that can be an easy message to internalize, even though it's a false one.

What feels like it took the big hit here: your self-esteem? If so, what things do you know you can do for yourself that help you prop that up when you've had something happen that make it temporarily lower? If not your self-esteem, want to try and get and give me a sense of what the core of your hurt right now is about?

[moonlight]

By the way Heather, thank you for replying to me so quickly, I really appreciate it and I know you are super busy.

One of the things that really resonates with me about that article is the statement that “No really does mean just No”. Because I have been attaching a lot of other things to his NO.

One of the things I’m still hung up on is the fact that neither of us ever actually said “Do you want to have sex?” We went about it in a more round about kind of way where it was suggested, but not said outright. So I can’t help wondering, did he even know I was suggesting sex? Should I ask him using those exact words? Or should I just leave it be since he probably knew what I was asking and even if he didn’t he unfriended me and that’s a pretty clear signal that he doesn’t want to have anything more to do with me, whatever he thought our last conversation was about?

I guess it's partly my self esteem that took the hit. I wasn't feeling hurt until he unfriended me. I wasn't hurt when he changed his mind, mostly confused since he was the one who brought up sex in the first place. But now that he unfriended me, I feel hurt.

When my self-esteem has taken a hit, I try and think about the things that make it go higher. The things I'm good at, the people who love me.

[Heather]

You're welcome, and it's always good to see you, and I'm happy to give you my time.

Again, the thing with casual interactions like this is that we can't know what he did or didn't think, or did or didn't assume. I'd do what you can to just work on letting those unanswered questions go, rather than trying to analyze them, because you're not going to have the information you need to do that with soundly. Those kinds of questions really sound mostly to me like brain weasels running amok because your confidence took a hit (understandable), and IMO, you don't want to feed those. You want to starve them out and just take what you can from this to figure out what might work better for you -- for yourself, or with other potential partners in the future -- moving forward.

I do, personally, think it sounds like maybe the realities of casual sex weren't a thing you were that prepared for, and maybe aren't such a great fit for you right now. After all, had you two had sex, and then he didn't contact you, if he unfriended you, if he didn't give you any kind of feedback, etc, you'd probably be having an even harder time right now, you know? This kind of non-attachment isn't for everybody -- or for everybody with just anybody, or for anybody at a given time in life -- and it does tend to require an awful lot of self-confidence and a pretty easy acceptance of "who knows what will happen," which can always include "nothing."

He did seem to make pretty clear he wasn't interested, and closed contact with you, so no, I don't think you should come back to him asking again. To me, that'd be not respecting someone's no.

I would remind you that people can bring up or initiate sex and then change their minds, people of every gender. I know you know that, but it sounds like maybe, because you're feeling stung, it seems confusing, even though you know it's a given, and that bringing up something as a possibility but not making it an actuality, or even initiating something but stopping in the middle, for any number of reasons, is just a thing that happens with people, whether we're talking about sex, a road trip or seeing a movie.

You've been around for a long time, and it's always been clear you're pretty damn awesome, so I do feel like I can say that if you're feeling like this went this way because maybe you aren't, even if it's more challenging to do in this moment, you can put that worry to bed.

[moonlight]

Those kinds of questions really sound mostly to me like brain weasels running amok because your confidence took a hit (understandable), and IMO, you don't want to feed those. You want to starve them out and just take what you can from this to figure out what might work better for you -- for yourself, or with other potential partners in the future -- moving forward.

I love the idea of starving out those "brain weasels". Because yeah, it's only doing damage to my psyche letting these thoughts perpetuate themselves.

I do, personally, think it sounds like maybe the realities of casual sex weren't a thing you were that prepared for, and maybe aren't such a great fit for you right now. After all, had you two had sex, and then he didn't contact you, if he unfriended you, if he didn't give you any kind of feedback, etc, you'd probably be having an even harder time right now, you know? This kind of non-attachment isn't for everybody -- or for everybody with just anybody, or for anybody at a given time in life -- and it does tend to require an awful lot of self-confidence and a pretty easy acceptance of "who knows what will happen," which can always include "nothing."

Yeah, I certainly haven't actually taken the time to consider the implications of casual sex so this is a pretty good wake up call to consider those implications and then decide if I can handle it. And I need to try and be okay with it if I cannot handle casual sex right now.

He did seem to make pretty clear he wasn't interested, and closed contact with you, so no, I don't think you should come back to him asking again. To me, that'd be not respecting someone's no.

Yeah, this seems to be the same conclusion my logical brain keeps reaching on this. My emotional brain, however, keeps reaching a different conclusion.

You've been around for a long time, and it's always been clear you're pretty damn awesome, so I do feel like I can say that if you're feeling like this went this way because maybe you aren't, even if it's more challenging to do in this moment, you can put that worry to bed.

I'm not really clear on what you're saying there, could you please rephrase it?


Thank you for all the help Heather, I'm starting to feel a bit better around all of this.

[Heather]

Sure: what I meant to say was that if you're feeling like what happened here is some kind of evidence you're not awesome, I feel like even just from what I know of you, there's so much evidence to the contrary, that you can toss that idea away. It might take you a while to do that while you're stinging from this right now, but do make it a long-term goal.

And I've been so glad to help: you're welcome.

[moonlight]

Thanks for the compliment Heather. I'll try and bear it in mind.

[moonlight]

I still can't help thinking: what if I had said this or that differently? Would he have not changed his mind? I know that is a thought I need to starve out, but I don't know how.

And I am still fantasizing that he will change his mind and contact me on Saturday (the day we had agreed upon).

How do I kill these thoughts?

[Heather]

I think if you get stuck there, what it might help to focus on is this, "What if you had, and then he did a lot of what he's doing now?" In other words, it sounds like you're assuming that if you two had sex, he wouldn't have nixed contact with you, when that still may have happened. or that you'd not be having a self-esteem hit when who knows how that sex would have gone, so you might still be, and perhaps even a bigger one.

But it also might help to figure that someone saying yes to sex with us is rarely just about us asking in the right way. In fact, I think it's fair to say that when we really want to have sex with someone, how they invite us to do that often doesn't matter much at all, and we'll often be at go for even the most mucked-up of invites.

It sounds to me like even if he did change his mind, honestly, you've gotten some big clues that casual sex might not actually be a good thing for you right now, because you clearly feel ANYTHING but casual about this. So, were I you, and he did contact you, I'd actually be the one saying no because I'd have gotten a big whack with the clue stick that I lack the kind of non-attachment and, well... casualness about this that'd be required for casual sex to have a chance of being something right for me at this time.

I wonder if it might help to talk through the appeal of something casual to you, as something general, not just with this guy? My sense is that some of what it involves actually doesn't appeal to you or feel like something that works for you (again, the non-attachment, the being okay with uncertainty or lack of explanations, the being okay with possible non-contact after), so I'm curious about why you were (and from the sounds of it) still are interested, and what about it IS appealing to you. If we can suss that out, it would likely certainly help you moving forward, but it might also help you now.

[moonlight]

I guess part of what I want and like about casual sex is that I don't have to do all the work around setting up a relationship. I can just skip straight to the physical part of it.

But if I'm really honest, I want the relationship part of it too.

I guess I just wanted casual sex because it ended up on the table and it felt good that someone wanted that with me.

And I know that if he does contact me I really should say no, but being totally honest, that isn't what I want at all.

I guess part of it is that I'm just feeling ready for any kind of relationship with people that is non-platonic and I'm tired of waiting.

Ive had some serious mental health issues lately and so I've really missed out on major parts of university. I haven't really made friends, haven't really dated or had sex. I guess I've missed the whole social side of university along with major academic parts of it. Now that I'm mostly healthy, I'm ready for the stuff I missed out on and I'm tired of waiting for it.

I know that, at where I'm at, dating or casual sex are probably not a good thing to bring into the picture, I should probably focus on making friends and academics. But I'm just so sick of waiting.

[Heather]

So, here's what I'm hearing (or what it sounds like to me, anyway):

1) You'd perhaps like an ongoing sexual -- and maybe also romantic, friend-based, etc? -- relationship that starts physical quickly, rather than taking time to become more gradually sexual.
2) You want sex! With someone! Now(ish)!
3) You feel like there's a socio-sexual aspect of university that you've been missing out on.
4) You want to feel sexually desirable to others and have them express that to you in some way, ideally in the way that involves having sex with you.

Does that all sound right?

[moonlight]

Yes that all sounds right.

[Heather]

Okay! I have to head into a meeting in a little bit, but if you'd like, I'd be happy to spend some time -- like, over the next few days, even -- working together to come up with strategies for you to seek out this totally valid list of what you're looking for here. I think there are ways to go after that with more success than you've just had here, particularly success getting all you want, not just pieces of it (for example, that list doesn't sound so much like casual sex, in the kind of classical sense, is the right fit).

If that sounds good, I'll start by popping back in a couple hours with some initial thoughts.

[moonlight]

That's sounds great Heather! Have a great meeting.

[Heather]

Sorry to be late coming back!

So, just going to toss some fairly random, initial thoughts at you, then see what your feedback on those is, and we can take it from there!

One biggie I'm having is just learning to really pursue what you want as directly as possible. So, for instance, if and when you meet someone you do have a sexual interest in, but also don't really want ONLY that -- and the big possibility of total non-contact after -- you develop some sort of general script for yourself that goes something like this: "If you're interested, I'd love to go home with you/have you come home with me for some sexytimes. But I do know about myself that I'm not really down for that being something where there's nothing but that ever after, so what I'd really need for both of us to want to go have that fun is for you to also be cool with -- and ideally want for yourself, as well -- maybe going for breakfast or a late night coffee after and getting to know each other more to see what else might be possible for us. I know I'm not cool with total non-contact after, so if that's something you might want, I get it, but then that won't work for me."

One thing I do want to say about that, though, is that you'd want to have a big think about if you really ARE okay with saying you want to shut the door on either of you just saying buh-bye after sex, because it may turn out you have experiences where you'd actually want to and find out even in the sex you SO do not want to repeat the sexual experience, or even any experience. But we can refine that as you and I talk, and that can also be something you sort out from the front by taking *some* time to get to know the other person before having sex with them.

There also are probably some good half-steps here, like meeting someone and being quick to go to the makeout, even some kinds of sex, but not going whole hog, as it were, right from the start. That way, you get some of that sexy stuff you want sooner rather than later, but you don't enter one-night-stand land, which it sounds like isn't in alignment with what you really want.

I'd also suggest not planning for casual sex. I mean, you can't really, when it all comes down to it, but what I mean is talking up some kind of big sex plan with someone you don't know well before any of that, at all, even happens. Especially since clearly, you have a rough time if and when it doesn't pan out.

In terms of the desirability piece, I wonder if that might be met by simply putting yourself in flirting situations more, where they may or may not lead to sex, but just the mere interaction of flirting back and forth with someone can give you that oh-sweet-they-are-so-super-into-me rush. (Honestly, sometimes you can get more from that stuff with certain people than you'll wind up getting it in sex with them, so.) That might also start opening more doors for you to all of this, too.

How direct do you feel comfortable being with someone you know, but not all that well, when it comes to putting out what you really want? Are there parts of what that all is you feel more comfortable being very candid about and other parts where you feel less so?

[Heather]

I forgot to ask what your queer circles are like: how involved are you in the queer community in your college?

One of the reasons I ask is that obviously being bisexual expands your sex and dating options (whoohoo for that perk!), but queer communities can also be places where kind of exploring like this let you sidestep some of the pitfalls or issues that are more common in Heteroville.

[moonlight]

...develop some sort of general script for yourself that goes something like this: "If you're interested, I'd love to go home with you/have you come home with me for some sexytimes. But I do know about myself that I'm not really down for that being something where there's nothing but that ever after, so what I'd really need for both of us to want to go have that fun is for you to also be cool with -- and ideally want for yourself, as well -- maybe going for breakfast or a late night coffee after and getting to know each other more to see what else might be possible for us. I know I'm not cool with total non-contact after, so if that's something you might want, I get it, but then that won't work for me."

While this script sounds great, it also sounds like a giant monologue that I can't imagine I'd never get interrupted in the middle of. And I can't imagine being that forward with someone I barely know. I like the idea of doing half measures in terms of sex, like making out instead of having manual/oral/vaginal sex right from the get go.

A script that would be a bit more in line with what I'd be comfortable with is: "This might be a bit forward, but do you want to go makeout and maybe grab a coffee after?" It's short enough that it wouldn't feel like remembering a speech and it's in line with what I would want out of a first sexual encounter with someone. For now anyways. Or I also like the idea of asking someone to grab coffee and then asking them to go makeout. Not sure which order I like better.

I also want to make it clear I'm not opposed to going on a date or two with someone before getting sexual with someone, in some respects I like that better, in others I don't. Maybe doing a bit of dating and a bit of the other stuff ( making out first, dating after) would work? I'm not sure.

I don't really know much about the queer circles at my school, it is a major goal of mine to go to the queer centre for some of their weekly events this year. I went once before and it was a really welcoming environment. Indeed it was an environment where I can see all of this going positively. I can see people in the queer community not being totally put off by the idea of me asking them to makeout when I barely know them. In heteroville, however I can't see that going so well. Indeed I can only envision it ending horribly in the hetero community.

How do I go about putting myself in flirtatious situations more?

The big obstacle I'm having with all this is I just can't envision where I'm supposed to meet all these hypothetical people I'm asking to makeout with or have sex with.

[Heather]

Sorry for the lapse, was off camping yesterday!

If it helps, a script like that (or whatever variation feels right for you), probably WILL involve answers or interruptions. It's just that those are the things you'd communicate as you're going back and forth with both of your limits, wants or needs some -- just the basics for now -- and the basic things you'd want to communicate, per making clear what it seems like you want and need.

That said, I would say that if you feel like you can't be that forward with someone you barely know, casual sex just really probably isn't a good fit for you. Because you really have to be for it to go well for everyone, IME, and being sexual with someone is actually more "forward" than that, so if you can't do the less forward part of being direct and clearly communicating, it's probably not a good idea to move into something that asks that even more of you, if you're actually going to be an active participant.

But if a half-step, like communicating less from the front but also engaging in ways of being sexual that are also more gradual and less big-deal, sounds good, maybe it can be good for you at whatever that level is for you. And I think your sample script for that sounds great, and I presume the makeout or coffee first would just depend on a) how you feel about wanting more or less time with that person first pre-makeout, for any reason, and about how urgent the desire for makeout vs. caffeine was. But if the dating once or twice sounds best, then maybe just the coffee without the makeout invite yet (and maybe the makeout is a thing you both do anyway, so obviously if that's how it goes and that feels good for you, then it does!)?

It sounds like getting more involved with the queer group is what you want anyway, so why not go for that? That probably will also provide windows for just flirting with people more . FYI, flirting always sounds a little vague and loaded to me, it's never worked for me as a framework of thinking about this. In the event it feels the same to you, I think about it as being around people you feel sexual desire for and just letting yourself feel that without keeping it all locked in, so it's probably just going to express itself in your interactions without you trying too hard. I think that happens pretty naturally if you do just let yourself feel it, and when that's not happening, it's because we are just putting effort into keeping it all in, if that makes sense to you.

And that queer group participation -- and then whatever additional social things happen or get opened up to you because of that, as they likely will -- is where you start meeting all of these people, as one place to do that.

[moonlight]

Yeah it is sounding more and more like casual sex is just waayyy too much for me with where I'm at right now.

I'm going to try getting involved in the queer center at my school. It will also open up some basic socialization opportunities too which are something I really need. Now all I've got to do is wait for summer to be over. Yay school!

[Heather]

Yay indeed!

[moonlight]

Well, he messaged me again and changed his mind back. (Like, he asked me if I want to have sex with him. And btw, I said probably). And I really, really want to have sex with him. I know, Heather, that you're probably going to tell me that it doesn't sound like I want casual sex and so it's a bad idea to have sex with him. And that's the part that really gets me about this. Because I respect your opinion so much and you've been right before when I just didn't want to hear it. But I really want this sex with this guy on these terms.

So, assuming I'm going to have the sex, because I'd really regret it if I didn't, what should I do to be prepared? About casual sex. About going this far with sex (the only sex I've ever had is manual sex). About this sex with this guy.

So here's what I'm thinking:

Condoms, an absolute must and also the only form of contraception that I have time to get before school starts again and this sex is a possibility.

The copper IUD if we decide to make this sex a casual thing, and maybe even if we don't because then I'm prepared. (The copper IUD is the one available in Canada, right?)

I need to be okay with him possibly changing his mind again. And I think I am okay with that. Because even though it would totally bum me out, I can handle being totally bummed out.

Talking, lots of it needs to happen. About condoms. About what kinds of sex we want to have. About what kind of relationship (or not) we want to have. About lube and the fact that we should use it.

About lube, I'm kind of silly afraid he'll think I can't get wet enough and that's why I want to use it and I don't really know how to bring lube up. Does anyone have suggestions?

I need to be prepared that he might want no contact after. And now that I'm thinking about it, I am prepared. It would suck, but talking about it on the front end would let me know and let me make any decisions accordingly.


So, is there anything else I need to consider? Am I making a stupid decision to have sex with him? I really, really want to. I'm excited and it makes me happy to think about. But it's also distracting me a lot. Perhaps because I'm bored and perhaps because this is literally the most exciting thing to happen to me all summer.

[moonlight]

And I just want to add: this doesn't mean I'm ditching the plan to go on a few dates with people at the queer centre, if I find anyone who wants to go out with me.

[Heather]

I can absolutely assure you that I am not always right about everything. And with things like this, where it's really about figuring out what you want, and what's best for you, I always think the thing to do is gather the information you need to make a choice, get whatever outside perspectives you want and respect, and then you take all that and consult yourself and just go with your gut.

So, if you strongly feel that you'd feel better exploring this opportunity than not after all that, then I think trusting yourself and your own feelings is the way to go.

Per your smaller questions:

1) You have more than one IUD option in Canada. Here's a good info page from one of my two favorite Canadian sexual health orgs: https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/ ... tions/iuds

2) With lube, I think it helps to remember that this isn't something extra, and using it isn't anything to be ashamed of. Even when a lot of people don't NEED lube, they want lube, and using extra lubricant with condoms is part of condom proper use, anyway. So, all you need to do is bring your lube and pull it out to use as wanted or needed, just like say, you'd ask for or just make a physical adjustment during sex if you were getting a leg cramp, or ask a partner to move their hand faster or slower because that felt better.

One last thing I'd suggest is that you consider, in your talks, letting him know a bit about how you felt last time, and asking for what you need around that. By all means, anyone gets to change their mind anytime when it comes to sex, but it is okay to always ask for some more communication if and when someone does.