i used to be in this bad relationship where my ew would constantly be the one to sort of take the lead, and i would usually go along even if i wasn't that enthusiastic about where we were headed. for example, he would always try to push our low key make out sessions into a more sexual territory, which i was not 100% comfortable with since he was my first boyfriend and i had no experience at that point. it was just a generally bad relationship in all aspects, so i broke it off with him, and now im seeing this really amazing guy who i really like.
the thing is, i started seeing this guy fairly recently and he's going to be leaving for college in a week. i really REALLY like him so i want to make the most of what little time we have left, but the thing is im his first real relationship. so the other night we were kissing, and i started taking the lead since i knew more of what i was doing, and i'll admit i was getting a bit handsy. and i just got really worried that now im in the place of my shitty ex and im pushing him to do things he's not ready for yet. despite the fact that he's older than me and gender stereotypes blah blah blah, im worried im possibly taking advantage of his lack of experience, if that makes sense?
thanks in advance for any advise!
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am i being too pushy?
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Sam W
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Re: am i being too pushy?
Hi Noa,
I think the most sound decision to make in this situation is to have a talk (if you haven't already) with your partner about boundaries around sexual stuff. That way, you'll both be talking explicitly about your desires and boundaries, so nobody is having to guess if they're pushing someone too far. Have this conversation at a time where kissing/other sexy stuff is not happening or about to happen, so that it won't be a pressure conversation for anyone. Be open with each other, and be respectful of the boundaries once you know them.
Then, when you're in the midst of sexy-times, make sure you're communicating and checking in with each other. If you want to do something, ask "I would like to try X, does that sound good to you?" If it does, then try X. If it doesn't, then respect his wishes. Would you like some info on talking to your boyfriend about each others desires and boundaries?
I think the most sound decision to make in this situation is to have a talk (if you haven't already) with your partner about boundaries around sexual stuff. That way, you'll both be talking explicitly about your desires and boundaries, so nobody is having to guess if they're pushing someone too far. Have this conversation at a time where kissing/other sexy stuff is not happening or about to happen, so that it won't be a pressure conversation for anyone. Be open with each other, and be respectful of the boundaries once you know them.
Then, when you're in the midst of sexy-times, make sure you're communicating and checking in with each other. If you want to do something, ask "I would like to try X, does that sound good to you?" If it does, then try X. If it doesn't, then respect his wishes. Would you like some info on talking to your boyfriend about each others desires and boundaries?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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noa99
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Re: am i being too pushy?
thanks for the feedback Sam! we talked today and its all good 
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Sam W
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10320
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 33
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Coast
Re: am i being too pushy?
Glad to hear it
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.