Scarleteen

I'm 19, have never been in a relationship. I kissed a guy, once, and it was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. (I hardly knew the guy, and he wasn't even that attractive.) I'm sure kissing someone you love would be better, but still the same gist.. I mean you're just smashing your mouths together. (Who comes up with these ideas?? "Hey I got this cool idea, let's swap spit! It'll be fun!") Kissing that guy was way more intimate than I imagined (I mean, watching other people do it, it looks so romantic and fun), and I almost started crying. (wtf is wrong with me >_>) He could tell I didn't like it, and kept apologizing, which made me feel bad.. yeah... I was just like "forget boyfriends, this is too weird" for a long time after that.
I've never been a huggy, hand-holding type of person as it is, and the idea of getting physically intimate with anyone, no matter how attractive they are or how much I love them, absolutely freaks me out. Sex? Ha. Pretty much anything would be less terrifying.

There's this guy I've been dating for a month, and I love hanging out with him. Even snuggling on the couch watching movies is fun (about as physical as I get without freaking out, though if hands get too close to my boobs, I get nervous.) I trust him way more than I should. I'm sort of panicking, because last time we went out he basically dared me to kiss him (not literally, but he was definitely suggesting it.) I would like to become closer, but at the same time, it freaks me out and I want to run away and hide. Emotional intimacy I am totally ok with.. but yeah.
Am I ever going to get over this fear/dislike of getting physical? Am I going to be all "no don't touch me" my entire life? O.o
I don't think I'm asexual or anything, I do have, erm, sexual urges, but...?? I'm just confused. Extremely confused. My friends all have boyfriends/girlfriends, some are even getting married, and everyone except me seems to totally dig this stuff. Did they all grow up and I just got stuck in the land of 13 year olds?

Hi, Jlh96. I'm sorry you're struggling with this. (For what it's worth, this isn't about your maturity level - there are people of all ages who aren't that into physical contact/sex of any kind, so it's not like you're 'stuck' or haven't grown up.)

It does sound like your reaction to being touched or the possibility of being touched is pretty extreme, though, so I'm wondering if you've ever considered talking to a therapist or a counsellor about this? There's a difference between not being a touchy-feely kind of person and actually panicking when someone touches you, and a therapist will be able to help you figure out, if not the why of this, at least some strategies to make it less panic-inducing.