Scarleteen

Hello!

Okay so I was pretty stupid last night and went out on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. I was having fun with him and we were being flirtatious and we ended up making out and he put his hands a lot of places (my butt, near my anal area and under in my vaginal area). He asked first and I was completely okay with it but I realized this morning (and after some stories he told me about drug use and an encounter with a prostitute) that I could have put myself at risk for an STI. I felt tender in my vaginal and anal areas, like there had been some ripping (which would mean I potentially had an open wound when he was touching me) We were deep kissing and I had open cuts/sores in my mouth (I chew my mouth a lot and am prone to canker sores). I also noticed that he had touched his genital area before touching me down there and on my face, around my body, etc. He was also kind of rubbing himself against me through his clothes and I was rubbing back. I'm just kind of confused about how much of a risk there was of me contracting something from him. I have HSV1 (and am waiting on test results for HSV2) but I didn't have any external cold sores that I could recognize at the time of the encounter. Did I put myself at risk for something?

Let's perhaps find language besides stupid, eh? Self-talk like that only tends to make people feel bad, make people feel stuck, and not actually help anyone move forward to choices they feel better about. Perhaps we can go with just talking about you having made choices that you worry didn't protect you from risk at the level you'd like?

I'm not clear on what sexual activities were involved here: if you can fill me in more clearly, I can fill you in on what risks and levels of risk those can pose. It sounds like you're asking about kissing (which doesn't really expose us to any STIs, but always can expose us or others to a host of infectious illness, like HSV-1, colds or the flu), manual sex (which can pose risks of some STIs, but if people are washing their hands before and after, and most civilized folks will, just like before eating, STIs are highly unlikely) and dry humping (which doesn't pose any STI risks at all), but I want to make sure I have that right.

No matter what, though, vulval and vaginal tissue is stretchy, so no one should feel any ripping during any kind of sexual activity, nor should there be any. That only tends to happen with sexual assault or abuse, or with consensual sex where everyone is being too rough or hasty, and in those cases, that will feel very painful. With any anal entry, again, ripping should not be happening when people are doing what feels good and using lubricant): if it has for real, be it anal or vaginal, that's an injury that needs address from a healthcare provider. I assume that you were not feeling a lot of pain with any of this or you would have told this person to stop, right?

It was kind of a strange encounter - he had not washed his hands prior. He was kind of pulling at my anal area and getting very close to it, I have thin skin and tend to tear rectally very easily with constipation and other things, and the pain this morning felt similar to that. I am planning to get tested (also, how long should I wait to test) just for peace of mind, but in the meantime, do I need to worry about my blood or sneezing or accidentally spitting on anyone I'm around? Could I be a risk to someone else? I'm becoming wrought with worry and sterilizing everything I use especially after going to the bathroom but it seems excessive.

Oh - and part #2 - I am also worried because I know I have been exposed to genital herpes in the past and am waiting on test results. When my date got done touching me down there, he had some vaginal fluid on his hands. He then held my hand and I touched my things (my keys, phone, wallet, apartment door, etc.) - if it turns out that I do have HSV2, which is very likely, could tracing that around put people that touch those items at risk? Or if I touch something that had my vaginal fluid on it and then touch someone, does that put that person at risk? These questions feel ridiculous, but I'm really worried about infecting other people.

Okay, so sounds like -- if you want to -- we should probably talk about how able you feel to communicate and ask for certain things in sexual encounters, especially if this isn't a first time you haven't felt able to say, ask a partner to wash their hands or tell them to stop doing something that doesn't feel good to you.

HSV is something that is most often contracted vis direct contact with an active sore, not indirectly, or when there is not an active sore or one becoming active. But let's save any big discussion about that for when you get your test results back, okay?

In the meantime, just as part and parcel of general health, we want to be covering our mouths when sneezing and not bleeding on people: sneezing or bleeding on someone always poses potential health risks. But in the event you did so by accident, worrying wouldn't change anything, so nope, I don't advise you worry about that, just that you do the usual basics when it comes to keeping our fluids off and away from other people's bodies.

What if I brush against a towel or dirty underwear or clothing of mine that has vaginal discharge on it that is still moist and have that on me and transfer it to another person? Is that a risk?

I think what Heather said about not focusing on what ifs (and especially not focusing on them until you get your test results) is a good plan here. If you want more information on how specific STIs are transmitted, we have pieces like this one that might help you out:
Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?

Would you like to chat about communicating wants and needs around sex so you'll feel better able to do so next time?

Sorry, I was referring to the risk of passing on genital herpes through contact with those items,(I'm very sure I probably have HSV2)

Like Heather said, HSV is generally contracted through direct contact, rather than something indirect like what you're describing.

I think some self-care might be good right about now, since it's sounds like you're feeling some stress around this:
Self-Care a La Carte

Thank you. Yeah, I'm really stressed about everything right now. I also have a lot of excessive vaginal discharge which often goes through my leggings and I'm really worried about someone's hand or something rubbing up against me and contracting it that way. I'll read the article on self care in just a bit.

Sounds like a plan. In fact, once you read it, it can help to take a break from reading or thinking about STIs for the rest of the day, to help the self-care stick and give your brain a break from the worry.

Hello!
So I have been able to calm down quite a bit. I do have a question though - so when he had his hand under my underwear, he was both in my anal and vaginal areas. I had had a vaginal exam earlier that day that I felt a little tender from and I also have issue with hemorrhoids and tearing in my rectal area with bowl movements, so it's quite likely I had openings in my skin at least in the rectal area. My issue is - I will get tested, and that's not a problem, but in the meantime, am I a risk to other people or my friends? Should I not be sharing towels or cooking food for people? Or if I accidentally get blood or mucous on something is it a hazard to others? Just wondering how worried I should be until I know for sure.

Again, worrying isn't something that protects anyone from anything or increases anyone's safety. For everyone, including people with HSV of either type, all you need to concern yourself with, now and anytime, are the basic ways we can protect our health and that of others, which is just things like handwashing when you're cooking or serving food, keeping your own fluids off of other people (and they don't creep around on their own, so that means things like covering your mouth when you sneeze or not sharing eyeliner), and having people use their own washcloths and towels when possible.

None of those things are special things to do, or things only someone with an infectious illness needs to do: they're just basic health and hygiene practices.

Clearly, you're at a point where you've got yourself at a level of anxiety that's got you not thinking soundly or rationally. Can you give yourself a day this weekend to just take care of yourself and chill out?

Hello,

Yes, I've been taking some me time. I'm just paranoid because there are things all over the apartment that he touched and I touched after he touched me and now I'm scared of people touching anything (especially things that remain damp, like towels). I'm scared of transmitting to other people both anything he could have given me and the hsv2 (because I had my vaginal fluid on my hands and touched lots of things). If someone could tell me whether or not it is rational to be that paranoid, I would be able to set my mind at ease. Because it is a complete mystery as to if he could have given me anything, I don't know what to think as far as keeping things super clean. I also worry about things that I touched with my vaginal fluid - if it's dry, can it hurt anyone? I guess I am thinking of situations where I wipe myself and then pick up my backpack at school before washing my hands, or if I accidentally hit the wall with toilet paper I just wiped myself with before throwing it in the toilet.

I've already done the best I can to reassure you in the way you're asking. If that's not cutting it, I'd figure that's because seeking reassurance like this is something known not to help with anxiety, as logic or facts just don't tend to stick when someone is freaking out.

Paranoia is never rational, btw, it is, by definition, irrational worry or fear.

So, my best advice, once more, is just to engage in the same basic kinds of hygiene you always do, and to do what you can to focus on this less - which will include not asking about it - and just put your energy into other things until you talk to your healthcare provider again.