how to deal now that i’m alone

[CButcher95]

So I have always be super close to my sister. She is my best friend in the world, my twin, and just like my other half (even though she can drive me straight up crazy).
A couple months ago she moved away because she was transferring to university before me. Ever since she’s been gone I feel like I can sense the sadness coming in waves. Sometimes I’m totally fine and am happy to be alone (because i do enjoy being alone at the end of the day) but other times i just feel depressed. Even when I know that I have such a good life I feel like i’m just sad because a piece of me is gone with her. I feel like this sadness is can be so intense sometimes also because I see her being happy and some of my friends being happy with other people but suddenly its just like I’m alone with nothing going on. How do I get over this sadness that has become a part of my life.

[Sam W]

Hi CButcher,

I think the first thing to remember is that it's okay to feel sad about this. Someone you're close to has moved away, and that's hard and will take some getting used to.

The first thought I have about what you can do is to concentrate on the other relationships in your life, like those with friends, as well as your relationship with yourself. Spending time with people you care about, or doing fun things and meeting new people, might help you feel less alone as you adjust to her being gone. What is your social circle like as of now?

[CButcher95]

two of my best friends have also moved away.
So now i occasionally meet with some good friends from high school whenever we don’t have homework or something that is more important.
I think i’m feeling the emptiness so much because a lot of the time that i used to spend with her is now hard to fill up. We hung out a lot at home and on the way to do errands.
I do like the idea of finding myself and being okay with that but I’m not really sure how to fully explore my relationship with myself and being okay with being alone since we’ve been apart of each others lives for so long.

[Heather]

Can you fill me in on how you two are keeping in touch now? Like, have you set up some rituals or routines with things like video chatting or sending each other letters or care packages?

[CButcher95]

We don’t really have a set way to keep in contact because are schedules are so different but we will usually talk maybe once or every other week late at night after we’ve been texting and see that we’re free at the same time. Sometimes we text each other on and off, but it feels mostly off to me because i’m not embarking on a new chapter in my life where i’m meeting new people and doing lots of new things.

[Sam W]

Do you think she'd be willing to set something up that is a little more regular for you two to chat? I think it's sound of you to recognize that the texting will be a little irregular, since her schedule is probably quite different from yours. Maybe something like Skype, if that's an option? That way you can see each other in addition to talking. Having that regularity, even if it can't be as frequent as you might like will help you feel as though you two still make time for each other and view your relationship as important.

[CButcher95]

Thanks for the suggestions! I talked to her yesterday and we figured out a way to talk. A question I still have though is figuring out how to be by yourself and okay with that. What do people do to become their own person? I want to try and find myself but this is my first time actually separated from my sister - so i’m sad to say that I really don’t know how to go that process.

[Heather]

I'd suggest you view it as an adventure, like going to somewhere you know a lot about, but haven't yet had the chance to really go spend time in and explore to your heart's delight. Really, no one needs to or can "find" themselves: you're right here, after all, and have been all the time. And who that self is will not be the same through a lifetime: it's more about just meeting and exploring who you already are.

Just like you'd do with actual travel, you can start by checking out some places you've always wanted to see: things you know you are curious about doing or trying, in this case, and then you go do or try them, and see who you are in them, and what they do -- or don't -- give you. One of the cool things, I think, about having more time to oneself is being able to spend time doing things that you'd prefer to do alone, or might not feel as comfortable doing or trying in front of other people, so it really is a very wide open road, this.

I also think journaling is a really great tool for times of life like this (and anytime, really).