Casual sex?

[FanndisTS]

So I put a topic similar to this out about a year ago, but now I'm revisiting it, as I'm a year older and a whole lot less ashamed.

At what age is it socially acceptable for me to have sex? I know that's not a good question. It's different for everyone, depending on the situation and the community and a whole lot of other things, but the thing is - I'm a thinker more than a feeler. I feel like I want to have sex, to explore someone else's body and have them explore mine in turn, but right now it's just a hypothetical. When I think of it from my viewpoint, I want it - there's no doubt in my mind. When I think of it from an outside viewpoint, like if I were looking at someone else my age, I get totally creeped out. I'm 16 and in college; most of the people I know are in their early twenties. When I think of someone in their early twenties having sex with a sixteen year old, it creeps me out. When I think of someone I know (or don't yet... as I said, it's a hypothetical) having sex with me, I don't see any drawbacks, really.

I mean, obviously there's the possibility of gossip. There's the fact that I don't know anyone I trust yet. There's the fact that I'm sure as hell not ready for a romantic relationship... but I'm pretty sure I'm ready for sex. That's where casual sex comes in. It'd be weird, right? I'm too young. I know I've hit the age of consent in NC, which is where I lived for most of my life, and I'm only three months short of the age of consent where I am now, but it still feels weird. How would it even work, anyway? I go to a Baptist college. It's not like I can go to a bar and pick someone up (not that I would anyway, because I personally would not trust someone I could pick up in a bar, seeing as I'm sixteen and look it). It just seems hypocritical to me.

Also, (and this point is related, I promise) I tell my mom everything. She even knows about the vibrator and condoms my ex-nanny/biology teacher/"sister" got me (shh). She's even cool with me being bi (mostly). She's only really told me not to do one thing, and that's to have casual sex. She's not particularly religious, but she still thinks that sex is... not quite sacred, but special. I'm not sure I agree. I don't want to disappoint her, though, but I'm really pretty sure I want this.

Would it be okay for me to have casual sex? (In three months, of course, after I turn 17 and get my last HPV shot...)

[Sam W]

Hi Fanndis,

I have a few thoughts. One is that I do think it's sound to wait, unless you can find someone your own age, since there's a legal concern around someone who is underaged and someone who is a legal adult having sex. I also think these two pieces might be helpful for you in figuring out what you'd be ready for and comfortable with in terms of sex: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

As for telling your mom about having sex whenever you choose to do so, that's up to you. I will say that, even in close relationships with a parent, there comes a point where we start to keep certain information from them. Not because that information is shameful, or because we don't trust or love them, but simply because it has nothing to do with them. That's why many people keep at least the details of their sex life away from their parents. They figure it's their concern, not the concern of their folks, and that while they may let their parents know that they're sexually active for purposes of advice or support, they won't go into the details.

[Heather]

I do want to pitch in that the idea it's "weird" for anyone of a certain age to have sex in a certain kind of context is pretty busted.

To be clear, casual sex is just about people being sexual without having any kind of ongoing commitment to continue to be sexual, and/or an ongoing romantic relationship. That's it. And more times than not, that's actually the case for most younger people when it comes to sex: young people's sexual interactions and relationships tend to wind up being much shorter than expected, and young people don't tend to make big commitments to each other. Casual sex also doesn't mean people meeting each other in bars: people who have casual sex meet each other in all the ways people can meet each other.

Now, that piece Sam gave you can fill you in on if this kind of sexual context feels like a fit for you or not, but if it turns out that it does, that isn't about being weird or not being weird: it's about a certain sexual interpersonal context feeling like the right one, at this time, for you as an individual. Our sexual lives are custom-made, and we're all so different that there really is no normal or weird when it comes to this stuff.

I also want to add with the parent piece that most people aren't sharing every detail of their sexual lives with...well, just about anyone, really, save whoever their sexual partner is at a given time, and even then, people choose to keep some things to themselves. In terms of not sharing all the things with parents, one piece of that is just about healthy boundaries and separation. Your parent probably isn't sharing every detail of their sexual lives with you, after all, and again, that's usually for good reason: it's so you both can have some healthy boundaries and some places in your lives that do have some separation so you can avoid becoming enmeshed, which is basically about people being so hyper-involved that they don't get to really feel like separate people.

[Carmen]

Hey Fanndis,

In respects to your relationship with your mom, I went through a fairly similar experience. My mom is also someone I tell almost everything to. Growing up my mom taught me sex was a very sacred thing that we should only do with people we love. Once I started college, however, I also felt a draw to experiment with casual sex for the first time. I actually told my mom about casual sex as a hypothetical situation even after I had done it for the first time to see what her response would be and she told me she didn't think I should have sex with the guy before I knew him better or was more invested in the relationship (oops! haha). A day or so later I called her and told her that I had actually had sex with him but that it was very consensual and respectful and ended up being a very good experience for me - and she was supportive!
I think, especially for young women, casual sex has had a big stigma in this culture. However I think it is becoming more and more unstigmatized within younger (often college) cultures - but for our mothers, it may still be the dangerous, bad-reputation building, women-getting-taken-advantage-of situation that they perceived it being when they were our age.
I can't promise your mom will react the same way my mom did but I think our parents can get stuck in the idea that casual sex will be a situation that has only negative outcomes - that is not to say it ever won't or will. But having the support system to talk about experiencing casual sex for the first time - whether it is with your mom, a close friend or a mentor - is really important