advice for next step??

[Kela]

hey scarleteen.
a relationship i was in for five months has broken down. it was coming for a while but was still a shock when it happened.
i need some advice on my next step..i was sexual with him, regularly throughout the five months. i am still having counselling for my anxiety.
i still have the nexplanon and we used condoms every time. one time it failed but he did not ejaculate and the only tear was a way down, not on the tip, i checked countless times so i can be sure that was the only tear.
i took two pregnancy tests at the beginning of this month, a few days before i started bleeding which lasted over a week and was period-heavy.
the relationship broke down on friday night and by saturday morning my head was all over the place, so i bought some more pregnancy tests, a two pack.
i took them both, and on both there was a very faint line where the positive line should be.
i was confused and scared, i told a colleague who took me to the doctor to whom i explained the situation and who performed a pregnancy test the same day, in the afternoon. that was clearly negative and the doctor even looked at the tests id taken and said they were negative and im not pregnant.
there was definitely faint positive lines, and i looked again today at them and the line on one has got darker and more obvious. im very scared and confused..i have the implant, have not taken drugs which may interact, used condoms which i checked religiously every single time, and i had two negative tests earlier this month and a bleed inbetween.

what do i do? what should be my next step? should i believe the doctors test?
i need some advice because i dont know whats best to do now.

[Heather]

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, Kela, I hope you're okay.

We've gone ahead and made clear, specific lists of next steps for folks in pregnancy scares with our Pregnancy Panic Companion.

If you go through it, you'll see that your next steps are on this page: http://www.scarleteen.com/the_pregnancy ... s_negative

By the way, most tests will state clearly in the instructions to throw tests away after you see the result, because after a relatively short period of time, the test may not accurately reflect your result anymore. That's why your test looks different today.

[Kela]

thanks. i just genuinely didnt know what to do. youll probably be quite proud of me though, my first thought was get to a doctor, and TELL someone. i was going to call my counsellor and see if she could come, but my boss who has been through similar things herself came with me.
the doctor was fantastic, she told me she does countless implant insertions and was so kind, she spoke to us for nearly an hour. i told her i had anxiety and she was very kind.
my next step will be to see if i can get in to see my counsellor tomorrow, i have already dropped her an email and i hope she can see me.

as for the relationship...it was good. i took an chance and im glad i did. things felt right and i can manage my anxious thoughts alot better now. he has been feeling low for a while now, he is incredibly stressed with work and an exam he has to do later this year, not to mention his mum isnt well at all. i tried to be a supportive partner but i know i failed..and i think thats what hurts the most. he cried and cried when he broke up with me, and i cried too. i just wish i could have put my past experiences aside and treated him how he should have been.

[Heather]

I'm so glad to hear you're doing so much, so proactively, to manage your feelings and anxiety, and have gotten so much better at seeking out help in person. I know that's been a rough road for you, and has been some hard work: well done!

[Kela]

would you recommend going back to a doctor and having another test done given the fact I had two unclear results on HPTs, or do you think one negative test performed by a doctor is enough?

[Heather]

If that was needed, no doubt the doctor would have suggested it.

Did you look at that list of next steps?

[Kela]

im not 100% the doctor listened to my concerns..she, like the nurses i spoke to a few weeks ago about an increase in bleeding on the nexplanon seemed more concerned with whether i wanted it taken out. i explained both times that as long as its not an underlying medical cause, i am happy to deal with it and keep the implant as, well, i thought it was pretty effective. thats why i was so taken aback when it appeared i had a positive result on both tests i took, when i know i have the implant and we used condoms which i checked, and, youve spoken to me enough times to know if i check something like a condom, i CHECK it, you know? it just doesnt make sense to me?? can you shed any light on what happened with the tests i took myself? part of me thinks the test the doctor did would show positive aswell if i was, after taking two earlier the same day?

the only thing the doctor seemed really concerned with was the possibility of an STI causing my bleeding, so she supplied me with a chlamidya testing kit which ill do tomorrow and send off the pack.

I did read the article, thankyou for providing me with that info. I know everything on there is the correct way to handle this, but with the breakup and now this my head is a bit all over the place at the moment.

i have arranged a counselling session for tomorrow.

[Heather]

A doctor running a pregnancy test doesn't have to pay any attention to patient concerns to give them an accurate result on that test. All they have to do to do that is run the test, and report the results to the patient. Pregnancy testing simply is not, at all, a complex thing.

I still am not seeing that you DID have a positive result on your tests, and don't see you even saying you did until this reply. Rather, I hear you saying you had a faint positive line (maybe) which is, at most, an ambiguous result, not a positive one. And no, I can't tell you why that happened, since there are so many possibilities -- you not taking the tests right or reading the instructions properly, faulty tests, the works.

So, unless I am misunderstanding and you DID have a test with a clear positive, let's stick with reality, okay? You have NOT had a positive: you had two maybe ambiguous tests, and then one negative at the doctor's office. The only result, in fact, you have NOT had were any positives.

Honestly, you attaching yourself to the idea you had a positive result when you didn't sounds like anxiety talking to me, and, as you know, we can't reason with anxiety, because it is inherently unreasonable and doesn't give two shits about logic or facts.

So, if you find you now are back in a big pregnancy scare, not trusting doctor's tests, I'd say your best step isn't to seek out more tests, it's to check in and work with your therapist with your anxiety, which is probably the biggest thing driving this. Make sense?

[Heather]

Just as something that might be helpful to bring to your therapist -- in the case that you yourself aren't already aware of this -- I want to share a pattern with you I recall around these things.

That's this: as you know about yourself, you struggle a lot with not being in a romantic or sexual relationship, and tend to have had a pattern of feeling pretty afraid not to be in one. And to my recollection, there's been a bit of a pattern with some of your scares which has centered around the scares either happening (or happening more) when a relationship is clearly going south, or after a breakup. And my sense is that probably has a lot to do with the anxiety you feel about being single, and with that headspace people can get in, consciously or unconsciously, where part of them is wishing for a pregnancy to keep them tied in some big way to someone they don't want to leave, or to keep them from being alone (even when on the whole, pregnancy feels like a scary thing you don't really want).

If you disagree with me about that pattern, by all means, feel free to dismiss me. And hopefully what I just said here doesn't feel out of line, but by all means if it does, please feel free to tell me to back off and I won't throw ideas out there at you like that again without asking for your permission first.

[Kela]

im sorry if i wasnt very clear: no, the results were not clearly positive, but there was definitely a faint line where the positive result should be on both tests i did myself. i did initially think i was imagining it given my propensity to overthinking and imagining things in my head. but no, there was definitely a faint line. the doctor looked at them and said, just as my friend who came with me, that it wasnt a positive result, they both struggled to see the lines at first.
truthfully im too scared to take anymore tests, at least till ive seen my counsellor tomorrow. she knows weve broken up but she doesnt know about the pregnancy tests so itll be a long session tomorrow.

i appreciate your input, and your view of my emotional feelings around pregnancy are spot on, something i have come to realise through my counselling ive been having for about seven months now. i also have come to realise i have major self-esteem issues, which manifest themselves as a need to be liked by everyone, and a fear that my now-ex will turn everyone against me and say horrible things about me. i admit 100% i wasnt there for him when i should have been, i let my past interfere with my present and this is the result. but i did, and do, care for him and am worried for his emotional state at the moment.

[Heather]

Right, but that is NOT a positive result. What that is ambiguous, most often, as I understand it, that's due to either a) not taking the test according to directions, b) faulty tests, or c) using a test with a lower sensitivity level (which is the case with some of the cheaper tests).

But again, you took the next step (and have you looked at any of those yet? I've asked twice now with no response) and got a test from a doctor, so your NEXT steps are in that link I gave you. And if you wanted something super-personalized, I offered you that: knowing you as I know you, I think your next step is to talk about this with your counselor. Even if you were not afraid to take more tests, I'd not suggest that, because you have your answer already, so I'd just see that as both a waste of money, and as something that keeps you distracted from the real issues and focused on pregnancy, which both isn't the real issue and we know, with no doubt, is a giant anxiety trigger for you.

Those are some big truths you're dropping, and my biggest respect for you for getting there. I know how hard it can be.

What I'd also add to this is that you might also consider that when relationships end, it isn't always because anyone did anything wrong or failed anyone. Particularly when we're younger -- though feasibly, at any time of life -- many relationships end because they've just run their course, and one or more people in them simply are in a life stage of rapid change and growth, so what they wanted or needed changed, making the relationship not a fit anymore.

In other words, what I'm trying to get across is that you consider that it's absolutely possible, and even likely, that your relationships ending is NOT because you suck, you failed, you're broken, or anything is wrong with you. Like many relationships, especially romantic or sexual relationships, and especially when you're younger, plenty of your relationships may have ended as romantic/sexual relationships simply because they were over.

[Kela]

so i had my counselling session and we addressed everything i have dicussed here. I think the biggest thing for me right now is not blaming myself and accepting that its over.
we talked about the pregnancy scare and while we agreed that it might be for the best to get another one done, it wont be one i do myself, ill go back to a doctor. ive started bleeding again, and while it might be stress related, i think i should face my fears and just get it checked out, just to discount any serious health problems.

[Sam W]

Hi Kela,
Those all sound like very sound steps to take, and I'm glad to hear that the counseling session was productive .

[Heather]

I just wanted to be sure and say that I've been feeling so proud of you seeing you here again, and hearing about all the work you have done for yourself. It's such a big deal, and I know what hard work it is, and how challenging it's been for you to get yourself here. I hope you're at least as proud of yourself as I'm feeling. Biggest, biggest props to you!

[Kela]

thanks Sam W, and thanks Heather!
although i havent been here for a while, i often think of you and my past experiences with you, and think of how far ive come. i know right now im experiencing a minor setback, but i have come leaps and bounds with managing my anxiety through my counselling, and i know that one day, perhaps not soon, but one day, things will be okay.

[Heather]

That's so awesome.

[Kela]

I've asked a friend if they can come with me on Friday to get another test done at the young peoples clinic where I had the implant first inserted. Heather, I know you said it probably isn't a sound idea to have another test, but I really feel its the best next step for me.

[Kela]

i had another pregnancy test done today at my local young persons contraception clinic, it was negative. the nurse said i was welcome to come back if i was still concerned, but hoped it would put my mind at rest. she wouldnt let me take it with me, saying that it would only cause me more panic if i was to take it and it was to change because it was left too long, which i think is fair enough
my chlamydia test also came back negative.

[Karyn]

Excellent news. Glad to hear it!

[Kela]

I hate to bring this thread back up but I am struggling again...:/ I have spoken to my counsellor every week for the past month or so about this, but things have just got worse for me in recent weeks, I feel like I have no one who is a friend I can talk to.

I have to be honest, I had a sexual relationship with the guy I've mentioned in my other thread, who was in the army. Its become clear to me he's most likely only used me for sex, I haven't heard from him for about a month and have no expectation that he will contact me again.

Of course I regret what I did, I didn't truthfully feel comfortable at the time, I saw him three times and had sex twice. All times, we used condoms because I insisted, although there was brief genital contact at times, it was never while he was inside me, for all sexual intercourse we used condoms. I checked them and none of them had broke. There was never any ejaculation during intercourse either.

I went to the Drs to get a pregnancy test 47 days and 21 days after the sexual encounters. I explained that we used condoms, there was no ejaculation during intercourse, but genital contact (she then called it outercourse) and, of course, I still have the implant, I have just under a year left on it. she looked at me like I was crazy but did the test.

This is where my anxiety has come back...she left the room to do the test, and came back in and said 'it's looking negative at the moment' and I think, although I cant remember, she showed me the test before placing on the corner of the sink to wash her hands. She pressed some antibacterial soap onto her hand and, as she took her hands away, hand gel dripped right down onto the test that was perched on the corner of the sink. typical, of course it happened to me and my test she seemed not to think it was an issue, she gave me the test to take away and as she gave it to me pointed out the hand gel and said 'that's just a blob of hand gel on there' she didn't seem concerned at all.

I've tried and tried to get it out of my head, I've still got the test and I keep looking at it and staring for ages expecting to see something... there is a very clear control line, and a purple splodge where the hand gel dripped. but I'm terrified its actually a positive test and the hand gel messed it up :/ I really really do not want to go back and get another test, I've put myself through that too many times and I am so done with pregnancy anxiety I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from with my worries again, but I really just need a friend right now.

i just want to say I am getting help with this: I've got a friend who does biochemistry at Uni and learnt all about pregnancy tests and pregnancy, she looked at the picture I took of the test after I had it done and said yeah its negative, my counsellor looked at it and said its negative, but the anxietys just building again

[Heather]

As you know, we just can't work with something that is ultimately about someone's mental health issues, like chronic anxiety. This isn't personal -- it's not about not wanting to talk to you, specifically -- it's our policy for everyone, based on what we are and are not qualified to help with. So, this is something you'll need to bring to your mental healthcare provider and work on with her.

Just FYI, though, pregnancy tests should not be looked at a while after they are given like you're doing, as the results they show at the time sometimes change over time. And if you have concerns about your test, the right person to contact is the clinic or provider who ran it for you.

[Kela]

i really really want to trust what ive been told by the doctor, by everyone really i know the pregnancy isnt the actual issue here, rather issues to do with my self esteem and other personal factors. but i really wanted to get over this pregnancy scare this time. i think i pushed myself to believe it was negative too soon, and ive come crashing down after peaking too soon. I felt really awful after I spent the night with this guy the first time, then managed to convince myself the second time everything was fine between us. I just cannot believe I've been used and then dropped. Behaviour like that shocks me, I could never treat anyone in such a way, it baffles me how others can do it.
The test definitely hasnt changed since it was done, I know i should have just got rid of it and i wish she'd refused to let me take it. I tried to throw it away once, but got it back out the bin because i was just gripped by fear. I know the bottom line is, and i can hear your voice in this Heather, because I often think 'what would Heather say to me in this situation?' if the nurse had any doubts, she would have told me and redone the test if necessary.

I just want to say, thankyou for instilling in me the thought 'what would heather say?' when situations like this arise. It makes me feel heaps better, and I am learning to trust more what people say.

[Heather]

Heather would probably start whatever she's saying with an f-bomb, just so you can keep that voice in your head real.

I think something you can see pretty clearly, that's common for anyone with anxiety, in your reply above is this thing where you're focusing your mind on probably irrelevant facts or potential situations/disasters that just aren't real, and on something else than what is really under all this right now, rather than on your feelings.

A focus on facts, and staying away from those feelings, says that this is about pregnancy and tests and risks.

A focus on your feelings says this -- and IMO, I think this has probably been something big under all your pregnancy scares since you've been here -- is about you feeling hurt by this last breakup, and your sense of how this person felt about you. You're probably also feeling hurt because you had your hopes in another dating relationship that didn't pan out again, and hurt because what you keep hoping to find in these relationships (some of which is possibly findable from them, some of which is only stuff you can really give yourself) keeps being something you don't. And you're probably feeling hurt, because your esteem feels so low.

So, what I'd suggest is you do all you can to shift your focus on your feelings, and really just let yourself have them, even if that means three days of crying or yelling at a wall and having to call into work so you can do that. Even if you just try doing that -- just really being in all these rough feelings and letting yourself have and focus on them -- for a few hours, you'll probably experience, to some degree, the anxiety dialing down, and the focus on pregnancy going away, and your tougher, deeper feelings coming out and feeling bigger, and the focus being more on what is TRULY going on. Because it's not a pregnancy or any real risk of such. If it was, things like clinical tests and knowing you didn't have a condom failure would do the trick and put this worry to bed.

I'm also certainly happy to talk with you about those feelings. I hope you know there's no shame, truly, in even making choices that are part of some crappy pattern we have, and wearing your heart on your sleeve because you want love and affirmation so bad. I've been there in parts of my life, and I'd wager anyone who has lived a whole life in this world has, too. And there's no shame in feeling the emotional fallout of that, or of any disappointment when it comes to intimacy, either.

[Kela]

There's a couple of things regarding how people's feelings towards me.
One of those things is that I have been brought up to respect people, treat people how I want to be treated, and to never be mean to anyone. I guess part of my feelings about this is that I just cannot understand how someone can be so heartless as to just use me and then drop me, not even all at once, but gradually- he basically just spoke to me less and less until communication just stopped, but I've seen things on social media involving him and another girl. Everyone I've ever been with has had, ultimately selfish reasons for breaking up with me, and then they just move on like they don't care. I'm the one whose left with all the hurt, guilt, and anxiety. they leave with nothing, and I suspect never give me a second thought. I was brought up to value people and their feelings, I would never treat anyone the way I've been treated time and time again. I do worry about pregnancy, in part, because I want to remain connected to that person, and telling them I was pregnant would make them feel some of the hurt I do about them breaking up with me.
The second thing is, most of the time, I don't know what I did 'wrong'' to make them fall out of lust/love/infatuation with me. I think I am a nice person, not totally bad looking, but still, even though I give them everything, my time, attention (they become my sole focus, I get very attached very quickly), and body, and, still, its just not enough.

You just can't treat a person that way. I know you will most likely say, and something I hear quite a lot, the fact they left me doesn't make me a bad person, or them a bad person, its just what it is. But that doesn't stop the hurt and confusion and dagger to the heart when I find out they've just moved on with their lives and are happy, or, in the case of this latest guy, most likely involved with another girl, when I'm left with the emotional fallout and crying myself to sleep some nights, barely able to function, and feeling physically awful some of the time recently.

[Sam W]

Hi Kela,

Yep, I would say that growing up with that kind of mindset can make break ups sting super hard, because it conditions you to always blame yourself for things that were either not your fault or things that were mutual.

I know we've talked in the past about taking time to focus on yourself and your relationships outside of romantic ones, especially in the wake of the break up. Do you feel like that's something you've been able to do? Or is it something you still struggle with?