Fixing myself?

[Atonement]

Lately, life has been this bizarre combination of great/new/exciting and scary/isolating.

I am finally in the last semester of my education, which for my program means that I only go to clinicals and not classes. So, I’ve been working 40-45 hours a week, but I no longer get to see any of my friends with any regularity. Ad since I was assigned nights, that’s made it even harder.

Also, because of similar logistical issues, I haven’t been able to see my therapist since late July. First it was exams, then it was an illness, then it was crazy “beginning of the semester” stuff that made the office unreachable, and now it’s being nocturnal.

The last time I talked to my therapist, we examined my feelings about relationships, and it was kind of a breakthrough session. About whether or not I this ‘not having sexual or romantic relationships” thing was something I should continue.

According to my therapist, I have compartmentalized this aspect of my life to deal with the abuse I lived with in my childhood and teens. But now that I’m in a safe, healthy life I don’t need those walls anymore. And that it might be time to start slowly and carefully taking them down.

The thing is, that is as far as we got. I left, tasked with the project of being more platonically friendly with guys as a start, and I haven’t seen her since. I’ve really wanted to, but life got in the way.

This separation from my friends has been kind of difficult on me. I feel like I made all these great, positive connections, only for everyone to move on with their lives. And I haven’t really made any progress with the “assignment”. I mean, there have been a few times where I have been more conversational with some of my guy friends with this in mind, but no real progress.

And, I don’t know. I don’t really feel ready to deal with meeting guys at bars or online or any traditional kind of dating. But at the same time, I find myself craving connections and a lot of stress at the seeming impossibility of ever making progress.

Also, I’m tired of still looking at my life and seeing how all that stuff in the past still affects me. I’ve been away from my parent’s home for 4 years, and I’ve made a lot of progress in a lot of ways, except in that area. I haven’t s much as kissed a guy in 5 years, and I feel a lot of feat that I’m never going to make connections again, and also a lot of anger because I am this way.

I don’t want to find “the one” or get married or anything. I’m not on any sort of timeline. I’m just afraid that nothing is ever going to change, and that I don’t know how to make it change. I just want to have some kind of honest connection with someone, with ideally some physical stuff too.

I know I should go back to my therapist, but those things are all scheduled during the stretch of time that I’m supposed to be sleeping. And her booking isn’t so accommodating that I can really depend on her as a regular thing in my life. And I can’t really go to anyone else because money…

So, any advice, recommendations, books, ect? I’m not expecting an overnight results, but I’d like to be making progress.

[Karyn]

Hey, Atonement. It does sound like you've got a lot on your plate right now, and I'm sorry you're having a rough time with it. Transition periods like the one it sounds like you're going through now - finishing up school, shifting to a career, dealing with your friends doing the same - can be really exciting, for sure, but they can also really throw your whole life for a loop. Even when all this new stuff feels really great, that can be a kind of stress in itself: adapting to new situations even if they're awesome and what we want, can take a lot of energy, and it can be easy to forget that we need to make sure to do extra self-care during times of stress of any kind.

I'm also hearing you maybe putting a bit of pressure on yourself here, even though I know you don't have any timeline for dating or relationships or any of that. I totally get being sick of thinking about how things that happened in the past can still have an effect on your life, angry about it and just wanting to be over it, but unfortunately that's not really the way it works. To a certain extent, our past experiences will always be part of who we are in the present, and dealing with that isn't so much about making it go away - we can't erase those experiences - but about accepting that yes, our past is part of us but it is not ALL of who we are. You mentioned in your post the idea of taking down walls, and I can see where your therapist was going with that, but in my experience, dealing with those walls isn't as much about taking them down as it is about finding ways to put in doors and windows, or go around them. Those walls might always be there, but you can do things to make them a little bit less fortress-like. For example, you might never feel ready to explore dating online or by going out to bars, but that doesn't mean you can't date, by any means. There are plenty of ways to meet people, and there are probably ways to do so that are more comfortable for you.

I'm wondering if it might also be helpful to think about this idea of "progress" and how you're evaluating that. Your therapist gave you an "assignment" the last time you saw her, but what if you didn't look at it so much as an assignment but an opportunity to explore connections with other people? In other words, rather than aiming to be more platonically friendly with guys or engage in more conversations with your guy friends because it's something you feel like you have to tick off a list of tasks, what about approaching it as a chance to have a good conversation or spend time with someone you think is cool? It doesn't have to be one of your current friends either; you're in a (from the sound of it) relatively new working environment with presumably new coworkers, so what about just saying hi to one of them and asking about their weekend, for a start? (Or something along those lines.)

I'm sure some of the other volunteers and staff members will hop in with some suggestions too, but hopefully there's some stuff here you can work with.

[Atonement]

I guess you're right in a lot of ways.

I just feel like it's bene 5 years, and if I don't do SOME small, gradual steps towards "building a door", nothing is going to change. For the first time, I feel like I have quite a bit of time to be properly introspective, but a lot of that takes place when I'm stuck in my apartment in the middle of the night on a night off.

But that really resonated, what you said about working around the walls rather than getting rid of them entirely. It seems a lot more realistic, really

Unfortunately, the making connections at work thing is a little more complicated. I work in a field that is very disproportionately female, so it's rare that I even see a guy in passing in another department, and I haven't worked with any yet. Also, I only have 2 more shifts at this facility before I move to another. I'll be there for 2 weeks, then at another for 2 weeks, then at another for 4. Then I graduate.

My current guy friends all have monogamous partners, so I feel like I have to be very careful about not crossing any boundaries there. Hanging out isn't something we do unless everyone gets together, and that's been a lot harder lately.

How do people even meet people, except for at bars and online? I wasn't even sure people met each other in person anymore, lol. But those options seem too high pressure to me.

[Heather]

Just a quickie: have you discussed struggling with ways/times to make therapy work with your therapist? Like, really sat down together with both your schedules and worked to find something that DOES work? If not, I'd suggest you at least try doing that before writing therapy off, especially given your desire to do so much digging in and your need for support.

[Atonement]

Not really, to be honest. Maybe it's worth contacting her to see, though.

The way it typically works is that we make appointments during the student health clinic. And about half of the appointments I've managed to make so far have been cancelled by the office to make room for people with more acute issues.

Also, I only get to keep my student status for less than 3 more months and I'm on my own again. I'm kind of worried about finding another facility that I can afford again.

[Sam W]

Hi Atonement,

Then I would definitely say talk to the therapist directly to see if you two can work something out. As for what happens once you're no longer a student, have you looked into any clinics that offer mental health services on a sliding scale to see if there is one that you could use?

[Atonement]

I need to start looking for one, or get a referral, or something.

To be honest, though, a big part of me wants to sort of fix things myself.

And not from a "I don't need anyone and do't need help" sort of way but more of an "I'm sick of my progress being at the mercy of awful doctor' office availability" sort of way.

I'm just so tired of everything being put on hold...

[Karyn]

That's totally understandable, and even if you do manage to start seeing a therapist regularly again, it doesn't hurt to seek out resources on your own. Unfortunately, I'm drawing a blank but I know Heather has had some good book suggestions in the past along these lines, so I'll leave her a note and see if there's anything she'd recommend.

In the meantime, have you thought about doing some journaling, just to sort of get some of these feelings out? I know you had some interest in the journaling space we set up on the boards here, and although we had to shut that down because it just wasn't getting used, journaling is still something you can do for yourself. My earlier suggestion about striking up a conversation with someone at work still stands too: I know the idea can feel really intimidating, but sometimes if we've gone a while without seeing friends or really spending any time with anyone it can help just to have a moment of connection with another person. (Many people meet their partners through friends or acquaintances too, so in a sense, connecting with a new person is potentially connecting with other people they know, if that makes sense.)

[Atonement]

I'm back.

Thankfully, I was switched back to days unexpectedly for a couple weeks, so I was able to get an appointment with her for thursday. Hopefully for at least part of my session we can talk about options for when I leave school.

I actually did do a couple posts on the journal, but to be honest, I missed having feedback. I analyze things on my own in my head all day, so I guess taking the time to write it all down but not having anyone to bounce ideas back at me was kind of unfulfilling, personally.

Ever since I switched back to day shift and to this new hospital, I've been a lot happier. But, I still want to get stuff figured out. Also, I have to go back to nights in a couple weeks.

Heather (Or anyone else who has any), do you have any good book recs? I've done a few searches, but from what I find, it seems like no one writes abut my situation...

[Heather]

Have I recommended "What You Really, Really Want," by my friend Jaclyn Friedman for you yet? If not, based on these posts and some previous conversations we've had, I think that's one book that would be a really amazing fit for you.

You might also want to take a look at "Outdated: Why Dating Is Ruining Your Love Life," by Samhita Mukhopadhyay. It's one that's outside my orbit generationally and in some other ways, but that I think is great, and has some good things that a lot of younger women now could really benefit from.

I am also a huge, squealing fan of bell hooks in general, but "all about love: new visions" is, I think, extra amazing.

Lastly, I think that "Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame," by Beverly Engel could be great for you.

[Atonement]

Thank you so much! I will start looking for those books now!