Scarleteen

So I made a post two or three months ago talking about the end of my two year relationship with my first "love".

While we were going out, he was friends with a girl, let's call her Jess. Jess and my boyfriend won the same scholarship, so even though they live in different parts of the country they would meet up every now and then. My boyfriend talked to Jess all the time on facebook and phoning each other. I told him she made me jealous and I didn't like her. He told me to quit being stupid, he only loved me.

This happened for around a year. I stopped bringing up that Jess scared me because I didn't want to seem like I was worrying over nothing / not trusting him when he'd done nothing to warrant that mistrust. Eventually I begin pushing him away because I can't tell him why I'm constantly sad. Four months before he breaks up with me, I try to break up with him. He cries and begs me not to leave, so I don't. Next four months, still unhappy. The week before we break up, he asks if he can go visit Jess on his holiday. I say yes and burst into tears simultaneously. He holds me all night saying he only loves me, he's almost crying too.

After that week, he comes back from Holiday, says things have been "off" and before he gets the chance to say it, I say we're breaking up. The night of breaking up I ask him if Sam likes him like that, he says no. I ask if he has feelings for her and he still says no.

After the breakup we don't talk a lot. A few messages. I get a weird feeling about a month in.

I ask my now ex-boyfriend and I's mutual friend, let's call him max, if he would tell me if my ex was going out with Jess.

He said he wouldn't, especially if my ex specifically told him not to.

Eventually he says up front that the two are together. I block my ex off of everything before he gets a chance to try and explain himself.

This sucks on two levels: The ex's lying. The fact he made me mistrust myself and think I was being cold or jealous when all along I was right to worry about Jess. That he wouldn't let me leave when I was ready, but dragged us through another four months and betraying me. I gave him a lot of opportunities to be honest - I even told him I don't mind if he falls in love with someone else because that's human. The only thing I wanted was honesty and I didn't get it.

The next level is my friends. I live on a TINY island. Ive only been here three years. My ex and all his friends (my friends) have grown up here together. Some of them knew about Jess and didn't tell me. Now that everyone knows what happened, they're saying they'll support me but won't stop being friends with my ex, which i understand. But it feels terrifying that my "support group" says they'll be there for me at the exact same time as hanging out or chatting to my ex? It's making me nervous and paranoid. Everywhere I go my anxiety levels are through the roof because I don't want to see my ex. I've seen him twice since finding out about Jess and he avoided going anywhere near me. I'm trying to reevaluate what all of these last two years actually meant. I can't trust my friends but I am craving having someone to trust. I'm paranoid if I walk outside my house and I have no money to get off this island. I'm in a really bad place.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. And I'm very sorry that it seems your ex may not have honored an exclusivity agreement with you. I say seems because what I hear you say is he is with her now, since you broke up, and that's what you were told. Is there something I'm missing?

One thing I'm also not getting -- if I have this right -- is why you feel your friends can't be supportive of you, your friend, AND be friends with your ex. can you clear that up for me?

Those are things I feel like I need to know to weigh in on much of this.

But it does sound like one thing that's clear is that, for whatever reason (and you don't even need one), you feel very uncomfortable seeing your ex, to the point that you are worried about leaving your house. Want to fill me in on why you feel so unable to handle that possibility, and what you think you might need to change that so that this doesn't limit your life so much and make you feel so upset or scared?

You're correct that he became Jess's boyfriend shortly after we broke up. The betrayal was around finding out I was right all along about being so scared of this girl that I was told time and time again was "nothing to worry about" etc.

RE the friends scenario: It just feels a bit alien to me that they know what he did was wrong, but they don't address him. I know it's not their baggage, it's mine, but it's still a little alien to me? How you can say you support someone while being friends with the person that hurt them a lot. I get that that kind of mentality is very black/white and petty but knowing that doesn't make it less confusing to me. I can't even fully explain why it feels so weird. I guess if I can gain some clarity towards that myself it'll be easier to face the issue head on.

I guess seeing him is a trigger into paranoia over just how much was i actually /lied/ to? I am scared of seeing him because I know he wants to talk to me and apologize, but as far as I'm concerned I don't want to hear from him ever again. Nothing he can say can justify or help heal what he's done to me. He had brief conversations with me while Jess was his girlfriend and again, didn't tell me they were together. Because I'm naturally anxious and paranoid, it's just giving my brain fuel to make up all these hypothetical situations of what else he/my friends are or are not telling me, whether it's in their opinion "in my best interest" or not. I just want people to be straight with me.

I think the thing about your first statement is that it kind of presumes you or your ex to have the ability to see the future. In a word, it may well be that you were feeling some chemistry or attraction between them. But those things don't ever tell us what people will do with them, nor do they compel anyone to get involved.

So, for sure, I hear that you felt uncomfortable. And by all means, our partners should do what they can, within reason, to comfort and support us in hard feelings. But while I get you feel betrayed here, I'm not actually seeing anyone betraying anyone else here. Your ex didn't dishonor any agreements he made with you while you two were together, and again, I'm not going to figure he could have seen the future, you know?

That given, I think it's sound for us to talk about how you are feeling here, not so much about the idea your ex betrayed you by now dating someone you felt insecure or jealous around when you were together. Make sense?

I also don't think we can fairly ask our friends to pick sides, or suggest they can't be our real friends if they're friends with an ex of ours. For sure, this gets murky when we're talking about being friends with an ex who abused or assaulted you, but just feeling or being hurt, not so much. It's really a given that people will feel hurt by each other by the time breakups roll around. I assume when you say you feel they should call him out about what he did to you, you mean call him out for dating someone now when you two aren't together?

Again, I'm feeling confused about the part where you're saying he lied to you. I see that he didn't tell you he was dating someone new, but I'd say it's very common for people who have recently split not to share their dating life with each other. I'm not seeing him lying to you anywhere in these posts though. Am I missing something?

That all said, you get to choose not to want to interact with an ex again: everyone does. But, of course, if we live or move in small communities, we are likely to see exes. What you can do around that is just set the limits and boundaries you want and need, like by just contacting your ex to let him know that you don't want to have any continued relationship, wish him well (as we do anyone), and then just treat him the same way you do anyone if and when you see him out and about, where you're polite the way you are to people you see, but don't engage.

Let me provide a tiny bit more context (I'm on mobile so I apologize for lack of legibility!)

I am also very nervous about bumping into Jess. I only found out very recently that she's already been on the island to spend a week with my ex. My friends knew and didn't tell me and I understand it might have seemed insignificant to them but it was a big, scary deal for me. I don't know what I'll do when I accidentally bump into the girl that was my biggest nightmare for a year of my first ever important relationship.

The other thing is normally I'm very extroverted, so this lack of being able to trust my friends or welcome their support is fundamentally against my character, which aids the alienation.
I'm going to stay with my friends that don't live on this island for a day or two this week, just to get away from the fear it's making me feel.

It was difficult to hear that Jess has already been over because it makes her relationship with my ex more genuine than "a rebound", which again feeds my insecurity about what was happening while my ex and I were together. I'm frustrated that Jess flirted with my ex and that my ex let her while he and I were together. I wish she had just kind of waited her turn. While I'm glad we broke up, I do blame her for a part of my ex and I not working together anymore.

I think he and Jess were already open about intimate feelings for one another while I was still with him. But I don't know for sure. i feel very strongly that it was betrayal, but I'm not so sure whether it is now? Thank you for talking this through with me.

By all means he should move on. This makes me sound very possessive over him. It's the fact that it was Jess that makes me feel bad, even though he may or may my have actually betrayed me. My friends knew my anxieties about Jess while my ex and I were still together. I don't know why it feels so bad this is also the first time someone is explaining it as my ex not doing anything wrong - even my counsellor said I was justified in feeling betrayed - so I thank you for the new perspective. Fresh eyes right?

This kind of thing can be tricky, for sure. I have to head off for the day, but just want to respond to your last couple replies. I'll be back tomorrow, though, and am happy to talk more then if you like.

The thing is, people will have feelings of sexual or romantic attraction and interest in others frequently even when in sexual or romantic relationships they love and are totally happy in. Plus, feelings are never a thing we can control, so we can't really betray someone with our feelings. And even if we have those feelings about another person while with one, and even if we share them with that other person, we may not choose to share them with our partner for a whole bunch of good reasons, like protecting their feelings, realizing we wouldn't want to do anything with those feelings now anyway, or just from our own sense of discretion. We also don't ever owe anyone we're in any one relationship some kind of primacy where they get told all the things, even if and when that might mean not keeping things private about ourselves or someone else. Obviously, I can't say, especially since neither you nor I can know what conversations they did or didn't have, what his motives were with that choice if he actually did do that.

By all means, if your boyfriend and Jess were talking about pursuing a relationship with each other, in action, at any point past a friendship, while he was still with you, it certainly would have been -- IMO -- a thing for your ex to share with you as part and parcel of being honest with partners that we're really invested in as people, and in relationships we care about, even if and when they're changing. On the other hand, by the time people are getting close to breakups, communication has usually broken down so much that people aren't likely to share much, let alone any exit strategies they may have, or thoughts about who they may want to date after a breakup.

Perhaps the big feelings of betrayal here -- just food for thought -- are actually about him not being a great FRIEND to you, especially after (and I'd say if you were feeling pretty okay about the breakup until you found out about who he is dating now, this is more likely)? In other words, as a sexual and romantic partner, and certainly as an ex, I don't see betrayal here (which isn't to say I am questioning or dismissing your feelings: I'm talking about actions). On the other hand, I can see us talking about your friendship, and you feeling betrayed as a friend, and as a friend you figured HE valued. But so many people, especially when they're new to romantic or sexual relationships, tend to kind of forget the friendship part, or just compartmentalize it so much they both often stop acting like friends. And if and when they feel like their romantic and sexual relationships require they not share things like we would with a friend -- like attraction to others, for example -- then it all gets pretty tangly.

But I think the big thing here is seeing what you can do -- just for your own peace and resolution -- to remember that more people than not, when breakup time is starting to loom its head, just stop communicating, and that's usually less about keeping things from each other, and more about the fact that if a breakup is on the horizon, it's often in large part BECAUSE communication has broken down or is. Too, people tend to start to pull away and stop sharing when they know or think they may be getting ready to break up. There's a book called "Uncoupling" you might want to look at if you're curious about these kinds of common dynamics.

I'd also see what you can't do about trying to just let go of your feelings with Jess. I hear how you're feeling, I do, but really, she wasn't part of your relationship, and someone flirting (or not flirting, but just having chemistry with someone or liking them) really doesn't make anyone have to do anything, nor does it compel anyone, like your ex, to make different choices than he would otherwise. I think it might also help to realize that you probably wouldn't have wanted anyone to stay with you just because they don't or haven't seen anyone better on the horizon, or because they don't have feelings for anyone else: when you want someone to stay with you, you'll want it to be because of YOU, and because of all their choices and all their attractions, you're who they want to be with. Make sense?

But I think a focus on Jess -- now, and maybe also in the past -- is a red herring. This isn't about her, and if it was, what would you do about it anyway? Really, it's about you, and about your ex. And really, it's about your feelings, which I think are probably what are most productive to focus on, particularly since they're not likely to feel resolved if instead of focusing on them, your energy is put into trying to figure out if your ex and Jess did or didn't do anything wrong, which a) is going to be pretty subjective, and b) probably isn't even a thing you're going to ever be able to know, since it would involve things like somehow knowing what kinds of conversations they did or didn't have when they were alone.

Alright, a lot of what you said makes sense. I'm trying to rewire my thinking as "two terrible people" as just "two people moving on" and trying to not hate Jess and my ex. If I'm focusing on my feelings, they're just very hurt. I feel sick whenever I hear a friend mention my ex or mention meeting Jess. I don't want to know about them at all, I just want them to not exist to me.
I see my ex sometimes on the boat commuting to and from university. We avoid eachother, but it still feels awful. Yesterday I was a few seats behind him and i was trying to look at him and imagine that he is thesame person that held me close almost every day for so long? He smiled at his phone and it just reminded me that he's with Jess. He's obviously allowed to be, and because I don't think he ever actually valued me a lot I don't want him back and definitely do want him to move on, but it still just hurt. I don't really have a person to talk to about all these feelings, since all my friends are my Ex's friends. I'm also so confused as to whether he ever loved me or not, which i know doesn't actually matter anymore. I'm just swamped with feelings right now. It's been almost three months and I'm annoyed that I'm not over seeing him. Again, when we immediately broke up it was fine to see him. It didn't hurt and I didn't feel attracted to him. Now after the Jess thing, I hate seeing him. I know he wants to talk to me and apologize, but I never, ever want to hear from him again. An apology is just so he can feel he's done the right thing, I don't think he actually cares very much that he hurt my feelings otherwise he would've not happily pursued Jess. Maybe that's incorrect. Either way, I don't want his apology. I just want him to continue leaving me alone. It's vicious, but I want him to be hurting about me too and I know he's not. I don't want to think I mattered less, but I probably did.
I'm a very vivid thinker, and even though I'm getting very good at roping back my thoughts whenever they stray on the ex or Jess, I can't help but have these split second images of what I've heard about them. I can't compute that who my ex is right now is who I loved for so long- and i guess he's not. i'm definitely not who i was at the beginning of the relationship, either. I'm also still trying to understand why some people are going to leave you and why someone will stay.

Sorry, that's a massive wall of wondering. I'm evidently a massive over-thinker. My body is also not at a stage where I'm feeling attraction to anyone - again, I was happy and searching before I found out about the ex and jess, it's since then that physiologically my body isn't "connecting" or being attracted to anyone. This is kind of good, because I don't really mind being by myself. But I also wonder if finding someone new to care and have all this extra thought processing being able to focus on would/could help me. I'll stop now!!

Hey, bigbywolf. I'm sorry you're still having such a rough time. I hear that you're annoyed that it's taking you so long to get over this, but everyone deals with breakups and exes moving on in their own ways and in their own time, so while I get that you want to just be done with it already, try not to be too hard on yourself about it, eh? This kind of stuff takes as long as it takes, and it can be especially tough to move forward if it's the first time you've had to deal with a breakup of a relationship that was big and important to you.

I'm also hearing that his moving on so quickly might be contributing to you feeling like he didn't ever care about you, that you didn't matter to him. But looking back at the things you've said about him here in the past, I don't see anything that suggests that's the case (I don't know him, obviously, so I could be wrong, but it sounds like he was a pretty decent guy, one who may not have behaved ideally but certainly not someone who didn't care about you). Often after a breakup people have a tendency to wonder if the whole relationship was a waste, or like you are, to wonder if they really knew the person at all. The idea that a relationship is only good if it's lifelong or forever is really prevalent, but it's not true: just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it didn't have value or wasn't good for the time it lasted. But you're right that people change over time, and just because someone chooses not to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with us anymore, it doesn't mean that they never did, or that the whole thing was a lie. Very few relationships last forever, and it's not so much about some people being "leavers" and some people being "stayers" but about people doing what is best for them at the time, something that's hugely variable and changeable. Even relationships that last decades (good healthy ones, not ones where people stay together because they feel they have to) are really about the people in them deciding over and over that they still want to be in that relationship, recognizing that that could change someday.

I know you've said that you don't feel like you can talk to your friends about this, and it can be tough when your friends are also your ex's friends. But that doesn't mean that they've picked sides, or that you're not allowed to go to them for support when you're feeling down. I'm also wondering if you have anything to occupy your time and take your mind off things when you're on your own - are there any hobbies or activities you really enjoy?

my frustration with moving forward is twofold in that my weird anxiety has me constantly accidentally thinking about him, telling myself i need to not, and feeling afraid of running into him because of how exhausting it is when i see him physiologically. The second aspect of the frustration is that I'm currently getting counselling. Uni gives six free sessions, but I really feel I need more. I'm literally paying hundreds of dollars that I don't have because of my frustration and upset at what happened. And then i MISS the guy who all these terrible thoughts are fixated around. It feels so bad. and it's again feeling like he never cared even though i know that's not true.

I've recently been employed at a cute cafe on the island, and I am applying for acting programs so i can get back into what i actually love doing next year. It's just getting through these next few days before that promising next year can happen. And even the cafe is loaded with apprehension about my ex and Jess. What if I see them outside? What if he and his family come inside? I still love his family, I don't know if they know that I am really hurt by him and dont want to speak to him or see him. I know that seeing him CAN'T hurt me, the biggest damage is done, but for some reason I still can't combat the intense anxiety about seeing him. When I see him my legs shake so violently I feel like I'm going to pass out. I am so sad that these reactions are towards the same guy that was meant to care about me. It's really weird and I wish i could just leave this space entirely.

I just had a reread of what I wrote and I'm embarrassed at how self centred and whiney I sound that was really not my intent!!

If you don't mind me butting in here, bigbywolf, you don't sound self-centered and / or whiny to me. You sound upset and hurt, but if you're in the middle of a breakup, that's not very surprising. Neither is missing your ex even though you have a lot of negative feelings about him right now.

It sounds as if you are already beginning to move on, finding a job, making plans for yourself on your own, so that's good. And you seem to be quite good at recognizing and identifying your feelings, that's good too if you have something tough to deal with. I think your feelings deserve to be taken seriously.

In my experience, the fear of something happening is rarely as bad as the thing itself, so maybe if you do run into your ex or his family, it won't be as horrible as you imagine. But I am not you, so maybe I'm wrong.

It may take some time for you to get over the end of this relationship, but I think chances are pretty good that you will in time. And in a long time, your ex may just be another person you once knew. Time does amazing things for us. (Though if you should be impatient, like me, it's often hard to accept that time needs, well, time.)

Take good care of yourself, 'kay? And feel free to come back here and talk if you want to, don't be afraid of what you sound like.

Just two quickies:

1) None of this sounds like you overthinking it to me, but like you just processing and giving voice to your feelings, which is always the way forward with the hard stuff. So, that's a good thing.

2) If, and probably more likely, when you see them? You'll deal. And what's most likely to happen is that you'll come through that with way less anxiety because things are usually a lot less scary in reality and actuality than they are in our anxiety and our imagination whipped up BY anxiety. And then you'll also be through it, so you can kiss all this dread goodbye!

Hi again!

I hope it isn't a frustration that I've been keeping this thread fairly active - it has just been helping a lot.

I have had the same recurring nightmare of trying to shout at my ex, even slam his face into gravel trying to get him to listen to me about him hurting me, and he just doesnt respond. It's something that I can deal with - but is this something that normally happens / will it eventually stop on its own?

It's been three months since the initial breakup and about a month (maybe less) since finding out about Jess. I don't remember what my libido was like before finding out about her, but it's subsequently been completely non-existent. I guess this is almost good in a sense - my body isn't letting me do something sexual that i will regret later. I tried going on a date today and it was aaaaawful! Luckily i wasn't constantly comparing this potential person to my ex - but it was still a bad date hahahaha. I guess it's kind of good that it was bad. Because if i'm honest, the motivation behind meeting this person was the potential of casual sex. I don't like that my ex is the only person I've been intimately involved with. While I am absolutely surprised at how much less I miss sex than I thought i would, I feel like regaining a sex drive / having more sexual partners will help me put away anxieties about my ex. But I do worry that that is not using the right motivation to try and find sexual partners. As for romantic partners, while I know that love happens naturally and in surprising places, I can't help but worry I've let go what will be the closest to a "right match" that I will find in a long time. I know these are all natural thoughts, is there any way to reassure myself?

Hi bigbywolf,

I would say that a lot of what you're describing is pretty normal in the wake of a breakup, even the recurring dream. Sometimes, if something has been occupying a lot of emotional or mental space, it will turn up in our dreams more frequently. I imagine those dreams will go away as this starts to feel less raw.

As for the dating, it's not uncommon to be afraid that the person you're no longer with was the best or only match for you. And you're right that it can be really, really, hard to believe all those ideas about how their are plenty of people out there in the world who will be a good match for you romantically. One thing that, in my experience, helps reassure people in those moments is to focus on things other than romance or dating. This can feel counter-intuitive, but taking time to focus on yourself or on your platonic relationships helps you feel more confident, and keeps you from spending too much time in the "but what if they were the only one" brain space

I know they're normal feelings.. I've definitely tried to spend more time with platonic fairness, but it's difficult because most of them are my exes friends. Whether they mean to be or not, theyre a link closer to him than I want. Is complete abolishment of sex drive also normal? I'm sure it is but I hate not feeling anything and like I said I haaaate that he's the only person I've had sex with.

If and when your sexual life has been very attached to someone else (and a lot of women are socialized to be that way from a very early age, rather than seeing and learning to conceptualize and experience sexuality as something mostly about them, not someone else, so I'd say that's particularly common with women), I'd say that's awfully common, yes. Too, I think that you might want to remind yourself that it really has only been a short period of time for how big a deal this relationship was for you and how long you were in it. Expecting to get through and past a big breakup in any respect is something folks should figure will often take a good deal of time, often more than just a few months, especially when a relationship lasted longer than that.

It sounds like you're having a hard time feeling like you can connect to friends because they are also friends with your ex: do I have that right? If so, perhaps this is something we should brainstorm around a bit? You live in a close, small community (I get it, both by virtue of often being in queer communities, which are small even in big cities, and now living on a small, rural island myself, so I see how this goes for people), so unless you move from there, it seems to me like having shared friends is going to just be a given, and something to figure out how to manage.

Just a reminder, too: he can't be the only person you've had sex with, because you have also had sex with yourself, both with him and, I'm assuming, on your own with masturbation. If him being your only sexual partner so far has got you in a big stink -- or a big stuck -- it might help to remember that. Too, often reclaiming sex or sexuality after a breakup can tend to be easier to do when you put a lot of focus on sex with yourself versus sex with a partner.

Shared friends is definitely something that will just go with the territory, so it'll be good to learn some ways to be more comfortable with that

I am glad that this is a normal part in the process of getting over someone. His ease back into another initiate relationship sometimes makes me feel that I didn't cope "as well as" he did but I'm starting to change my mind. I'm just coping differently, and in a way that I feel honours the relationship that we had more than what' he's done - but even that's faulty because it's still comparative.

I almost forgot I'm my own most favourite sexual partner, that reminder helps a lot . Thank you so much for helping me through this.

I think I've already mentioned this, but in case I haven't: it's very typical for someone who is breaking up with someone (especially if a breakup hasn't involved both people communicating about it from the get-go, and eventually deciding to do that together) to start thinking about that a good white before they actually decide to do that. So, as they do that, they basically are getting a head-start on processing, grieving and moving forward the other person usually didn't have unless they, too, were thinking about breaking up.

So, some of this difference may just be about your differences, but some of it may also about him going through some of what you are ahead of you.

I would strongly suggest you try and focus just on you, and not compare how you two are each coming out of the relationship, either by thinking about how he's too fast and you're too slow, or how he rocks at moving on or you suck, or his process dishonors the relationship while yours honors it. For one, things are rarely that simple and plain, and certainly not that mutually exclusive. But I also think that if you want to move on from someone, staying focused on them is the surest way to sabotage that: to move forward, it's really you and your feelings, and not in relationship to his or him, to put you focus on.

This doesn't have much to do with anything but I guess it's a learning curve for myself: four months before my ex officially broke it off, I had tried to break up with him. Lots of tears and begging me to stay. So I think you're right that he was planning for a while to break up. I think he knew the relationship wasn't stable and created a backup plan for himself before choosing to jump the already sinking ship. Again! This isn't necessary to think about! It kind of just is still a good reminder to me that when I want to end things because of my own feelings, I should do it, no matter how the other partner feels.

I utterly support you in that. And I also wouldn't be surprised if some of your anger and upset with this breakup is about that. Having someone refuse to accept a breakup then doing it to you is certainly a pretty maddening scenario.

i just saw jess and my ex on my bus ride home. They were being very happy. It absolutely broke my heart. I'm so sad at the thought of him sleeping with someone he promised me he'd never love. I'm angry because if she's staying on the island that means shes staying with him - something i wasn't allowed to do during the week because he "had so much uni work to do." I'm annoyed that Jess doesn't feel nervous being on the island when the last time I heard she was here I couldnt breathe and felt like i needed to get off straight away. I know i cant predict what my ex feels but oh my god, this feels awful. I feel so unwanted and like such an idiot and I don't know why he doesn't miss me. Obviously, I don't know if he does or doesn't - but i don't think he does. I feel distraught. I don't know what advice this can gain because its almost purely emotive. I hate this. I hate that he gets to move on and have a body to love and hold and my sadness over him is still blocking me from being able to get the same. I hate that if i go three days without crying ive done so well. I want feeling like this to be over and i know it eventually will be.

Hi bigbywolf,
I'm sorry that seeing them brought all those hard emotions up again. That can really suck, especially when you're still in the midst of healing from the break-up. One thought I did have is that it might help to build yourself a small self care plan for when you see/run into them That way, you have something in place to help you address the tough emotions you might feel.

What could a self care plan entail? Right now I'm just
letting myself cry if I'm at home.. But most of the
likely times I will see them I will be on the mainland and just have to "suck it up" and feel crummy for the rest of the day.. I had such a nice day before seeing them, too. I got callbacks for an important school and travelled for an hour with a friend to find a lost pair of glasses. It makes me sad that the end feeling of that day was so violent and hollow when it was a good day until those last few seconds! I also don't like the anger I feel when I see them - I'd rather it just be sadness instead of this massive desire for someone to shout at them or hit them? My mind is not a nice place right now, I just wanna be back to me.. Things I normally like doing which could count for the self help is drawing, singing and walking. The walking currently makes me anxious though because it gives me a higher chance of running into them.