Anxieties and Scares

[ConcreteJoe]

Before I begin my post, I'd like to thank you for reading. I've been a 3 month lurker almost 4 before I decided to sign up and further educate myself on one of life's most complex issues: sex.

Okay so here's my issue(s)

I dated a girl for about a year and we broke up in May of this year. A couple of weeks after we broke up she decided that she wanted to have a sexual relationship with me and I was on board with that. A friend of mine, who doesn't know this girl at all other than what I tell decided to say that the only reason that this girl is having sex with me is for her to trick me into getting her pregnant so I would have to stay in the city I am in (currently in the process of moving at the moment) and that I would have to pay child support for the rest of my life. This on top of the girl I am having sex with buying the condoms made me increasingly paranoid and skeptical and riddled with anxiety.

I stopped having sex with her, and the last time we had sex was one July 3rd. Since then I have been panicking about issues relating to pre-ejaculate since there were was manual masturbation, the time that I ejaculated on her chest and the thought of her putting that on her hand and inserting it vaginally, the possibility of holes being poked in the condoms that she provided and in general just freaking out at the thought of her being pregnant even though:

She spent the night on July 17th only for me to find a used feminine product on the 18th soaked in a large amount of blood.

She told me her period for August was one day late due to prednisone medication but seemed to be regular or than that.

I try to maintain a clear head and not panic or get anxiety, but I learned about implantation bleeding and decidual bleeding and spotting and I am sure as you know a metric ton of sites dated almost ten years ago everyone in agreement that they got their period all the way up until the child was born and then some.

As I cannot force this person to take a pregnancy test, it's safe to say she's not pregnant right? And that I have some serious sexual issues and insecurities to overcome?

Once again thanks for reading this, I have been freaked out since July 3rd because no one really has an open ear.
And she came over to visit me the other day and had to use my bathroom and I found another feminine product that was moderately bloodied from use, as she had to use the bathroom and switch.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, Joe.

Really, as a person who can't get pregnant, even if you COULD contact her, it'd be pretty out of line to ask her -- let alone "force" her! -- to take a pregnancy test, IMO. Again, it's not you who would be pregnant. What's for you to do as someone having any kind of sex that could result in someone else being pregnant is to a) only engage in sex you feel good about, including feeling comfortable with the fact that, basically, should pregnancy ever occur, it's really outside your hands at that point (as again, it should be, since it's not happening in your body), and b) use what methods of contraception you can for yourself. And, perhaps obviously, to only choose to be sexual with people you feel you can trust.

And, to be smart and not listen to people like your friend, who not only sound pretty bonkers, but also like they're not being a very good friend to you. Friends don't try and create fear or anxiety for their friends.

So, what it sounds like you need to do for yourself now is to manage the anxiety and irrational fear you're having, either by DIY-ing it -- which certainly includes stepping AWAY from Google -- or by getting professional help. We make clear in our registration agreement that we can't help users with anxiety or other mental health issues, as that is simply outside our scope and our expertise. Can I help you seek out either those DIY sources or a mental healthcare provider?

[ConcreteJoe]

Thanks for the reply and advice, Heather!

I just want to make it perfectly clear, that the reason I used the word "force" is that I myself know I cannot make anyone do what they do not want to do and would never ask such a thing.

I guess you can say I have never felt comfortable with having sex then, as it requires a lot of trust and that is something I don't have with anyone. There were several instances in my teens and early twenties were I missed the cue for either experience or growth as a sexual person due to negative upbringing or relationships. There was even a moment in this past relationship were it was pushing my comfortability zone and which is why I found your site.

Maybe it's also too that I am seeking confirmation of a lack of pregnancy in this scenario and am seeking advice and input on that.

As far as the mental healthcare provider, I have plans to see one as I move and have therapy on a semi regular basis to address these issues.

[Heather]

I can't be a pregnancy test, and I'd advise that you actually do what you can to let this go. Trying to figure out if someone is pregnant or not is just, I think, a red herring here. Again, the ship has sailed in terms of sex you already have had. If any of it had resulted in pregnancy, and the pregnant person wants something from you, you'll hear from them. But since you haven't, all we can figure is that they most likely didn't become pregnant (given the scenario you gave, that's what sounds most likely), or, if they did, they don't want you involved.

Long story short, staying focused on that not only isn't going to help you manage your anxiety, it's also not going to give you anything.

I think what would be productive is to go ahead and seek out that mental healthcare. If a move isn't something happening in the next month, I'd not wait: you sound pretty distressed, and there's just no need to go without help if you have access to it, you know?

It also sounds like something else that would be productive, especially if you also don't feel you can trust your current partner, would be to talk about how you can go about your sexual life now that fits with where you're at, and what you can start doing to better build trust before being sexual with someone else, and have your sex life go at a pace that works better for you when it comes to that. For sure, no one is going to be able to have healthy sexual relationships with partners if in the back of their head, they are thinking things like that they may be engaging in reproductive coercion (which is a very serious abuse, and which earnestly "tricking" someone into pregnancy would fall under). Catch my drift?

By the by, am I getting it right that you were brought up in ways that you feel have been very problematic to your own sexuality and interpersonal dynamics? If so, and you want to fill me in a little more, I could probably suggest some good books to get started with around that.

[ConcreteJoe]

Thanks for the real talk, Heather. I greatly appreciate it as that is the reason I came to this forum.

As far as my own sexuality goes, I never really until this past year got the chance to "advance" sexually like a healthy human being would and even then it's not really a growth. I had several instances of deception and trickery by girlfriends, or girls that I tried to be involved in which led to my lack of trust I believe. It's not helpful when you know that even if you meet a real honest and good person that you still don't trust them. As far as my interpersonal dynamics, I'm usually just a depressed person who leads a fairly normal life but this past year has been the worst so I am slowly working on a way to improve myself and one of those ways was to stop having sex until my mental health is where I want it to be.

[Heather]

So, am I getting it right that you have:
a) emotional abuse in your history (manipulation is a kind of emotional abuse)
b) depression paired with (new?) anxiety

And that you feel like part of the issue here may be feeling like a late bloomer? I don't know what you mean when you talk about "advancing sexually like a healthy human being would," because I don't know what you mean by advancing and because human sexuality and sexual lives are so diverse that the term or idea of any kind of common or universal "normal" is rarely sound.