Lonely and Frustrated

[RedRoses858]

I am 21 years old and have been attracted to gay men, gay male relationships, and gay male sexual relations since I was fourteen years old. And I am afraid that because of this I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life. I want to experience young love and I would really like to have sex at least before I'm 25. Which is something that I've never really had before. For a long time I thought the solution was simple-that I could simply be with a bisexual guy. That's what I really want. However when I discussed this with my psychiatrist several years ago, he said that there were very few truly bisexual men, that most men that say their bi are just gay men in denial. I was devastated. And even though my therapist disagrees with him, I can't shake this feeling of being with someone that I will never get to be with. Honestly, what I really want is to be with a man who has sex with other men, but at the end of the day wants to be with me. I also wouldn't mind being in a polyamorous relationship with more than one bi man. However, I'd prefer the former, rather than the latter. I think to myself that if I end up with a straight man, I'd be lying to myself. On the contrary, if I end up with a gay man who's in denial I would be asking him to lie to himself. And I just can't do that. I truly feel like the only options I have are: become attracted to straight men (too bad attraction isn't a choice), end up with a gay man and end up getting my heart broken, or learn to be content living alone for the rest of my life (which I don't want to do and don't know if it's even possible for me.) I also have a tendency to get extremely jealous of straight men, because they get to be with bisexual women and I'm pretty sure I'll never get to be with a bisexual man. I also feel as if my life is completely pointless and worthless if I don't get what I want, and believe me this is what I want more than anything in the world. I know I would be much happier if I accepted my situation for the way it is. And despite some people telling me that I can have what I want or that yes, plenty of bisexual men really are out there. It's very difficult for me to believe them, mostly because I fear that if I believe those people and they turn out to be wrong I'm going to get my heart broken. I really need a fresh perspective. What do I do?

[Heather]

Can we start here: how does having the idea that what you want being possible (which it is) differ, in terms of possible heartbreak, then believing it's not possible and thus, not trying to pursue what you want at all?

I mean, the way I see it, you just digging in and deciding you can't have what you want, so there's no point in looking sounds pretty much like guaranteed heartbreak to me, in terms of basically settling on a life you don't want. On the other hand, you working on accepting the reality that what you want is something people have (I'm a bisexual person myself who has had people have what you're describing with me, so even if I didn't know that others have had this, which I do, I am sitting right here and have been part of relationships like this, so it's not up for grabs for me or only theoretical that it's a real thing), and thus, have found before, and thus, could also be found by you, and going after what you want sounds at least like only maybe heartbreak.

And, of course, intimate relationships tend to include heartbreak of one kind or another, pretty much inevitably, so anyone pursuing and getting involved in any kind of intimate relationship is always risking that. Another of course is that how much or how little, and in what ways, someone who has other partners (whatever their gender) in a poly relationship wants you involved will vary, so if, for instance, something you want in this is to be part of sex with a male partner and his male partner, that's something some people would be all over, and something others don't want, and where that isn't the way they or their partners want to do poly. But things like that are part and parcel of any kind of poly relationship.

There's also always going to be privilege imbalances to deal with and manage in any relationship where one person is part of an oppressed group (like being queer) and another person isn't (like being straight). But that's the case in relationships between men and women, period, or with things like differences in economic status or race.

Can you fill me in on how you feel about this, and why -- if I get what you're saying -- you think denying reality and real possibilities and not going after what you want at all beats the alternative?

P.S. What your psychiatrist was voicing was typical biphobia. One of the most common stereotypes involved in biphobia, or being part of bi invisibility, is the stereotype that those of us who are bisexual aren't really, but are "really" straight or "really" gay. And making that about bisexual men being gay is one of the most common, lazy and ignorant forms of that whole trope. So, if nothing else, throw that stuff out, and don't sign unto that stuff yourself. It's based in bigotry and ignorance, and regardless of what you do or don't pursue with someone bisexual, those ideas really hurt queer people a lot, particularly those of us who are bisexual or pansexual.

[Heather]

I do also want to add that if someone feels their life literally has no value or point unless they are in ANY kind of sexual or romantic relationship, that's usually a strong cue that person probably isn't in a good headspace for any kind of intimate relationship. To have healthy intimate relationships, we need to have a real value of and with ourselves without those relationships. So, it may be you've got some of your own work to do with and for yourself first before pursuing intimate relationships is a good idea, period.

[RedRoses858]

Thank you for responding to my question. I do feel a bit guilty now, because being bi-phobic is something I never want to be. And I do apologize and I definitely have some work to do. I guess one of the reason's I've also chosen to believe what I believe is because, my psychiatrist is a very smart man, and in a professional position, so it' a lot easier to believe him. Also from reading your comments, I've discovered that I'm deeply insecure, probably more insecure than I thought I was. It's funny, I remember a time when I didn't want this. In junior high, I remember wanting to be with a straight christian boy and I also remember thinking that I might never get what I want. I was majorly depressed over this (literally.) And I thought life would be pointless if I didn't get this type of relationship. Again, I do apologize. I guess before I didn't think my beliefs were prejudiced, I just thought they were reality. You are right about everything. I definitely needed a fresh perspective, thank-you. And you're right about the fact that right now is probably not a good time for me to be in any kind of relationship. But I truly don't know how I'll ever get over the idea of desiring or wanting a relationship, it drives me insane. I also fear that again I won't be able to experience "young love" or "young romance." I want to have that before I turn 25 and certainly before I turn 30. I do admit that I have an obsession with the very idea of wanting to be with a bi man. I hate to admit this, because I know this is neither good for me, nor bisexual men for me to think this way. I definitely do have work to do. And again, thank-you for the response. This is exactly what I needed to know.

[Heather]

Well, that's a whole lot of big self-awareness and insight to bounce back with so fast: how awesome are you?

I'm certainly happy to talk with you about any more of this you'd like as you sort through this (including the idea that "young" love or romance is somehow intrinsically different than it just being new for someone of any age, another idea I'd challenge).

I wish that being smart meant that people weren't bigoted or ignorant. Alas, there have been so many incredibly intelligent people in history -- including people who instigated or drove most of the genocide that has happened in the world -- who prove that not to be true. Bias is unfortunately something much more emotional than intellectual, so smarts are often not as good a suit of armour as one'd think or hope. Your psychiatrist being smart doesn't mean he doesn't have bias and bias he's choosing not to develop an awareness of and correct. If that is someone you're still seeing, it might be a good thing for you to either make clear to them that you feel they have bias in this area, so it's not something for you two to talk about anymore if they're unwilling to correct and manage that OR to ask for a referral to someone else. If you asked for someone LGBT-friendly in asking for that referral, you're more likely to get someone who doesn't have and hold those kinds of biases.

[RedRoses858]

You are right about the fact that I need to challenge his bias. However, I still live at home and I don't think my parents, my mom especially would be that keen on me changing psychiatrist's. She will make the argument that it's her time and money. And in all honestly I'm not that crazy about seeing someone else simply because, he's the sixth psychiatrist I have seen over the coarse of seven years and although he's biased when it comes to bi men, he knows a lot about medication. He may not be the easiest person to get along with either, but I'm really skittish about changing considering the fact that I've had much worse problems with past psychiatrists. But it is something I'd love to challenge him on, and in all honesty I've always wanted to ask him, "Is this based off of research that you've done or your own personal experiences?" Because there really is a world of difference. However, I am seeing a therapist who is very LGBTQIA+ friendly. And that's a good thing. I also tend to get along with him and he's a lot easier to talk to when it comes to any subject at all.

[Heather]

I understand. So, sounds like the best answer for now is just -- unless you want to challenge him -- not going to these places in talks with that psychiatrist, and saving them for your therapist.

[RedRoses858]

Your also right in saying that young love isn't different from any other type of love. It's just that I would really like to experience this before I reach a certain age. I think I would feel insecure and embarrassed to admit to potential partners or soulmates in my thirties to say, "Well I've never really had sex before and I've never really been a relationship where the person was truly in love with me and I with them." I hate to admit this, but I'd almost feel like a failure if I don't get to experience love or sex while I'm in my twenties at least. (Yes, that's the insecure part talking again.)

[RedRoses858]

And you're right about not getting into talks like these with him, that's where I slip up most of the time. My therapist is a safe bet. And I'll save other important issues for my psychiatrist 'cuz there is other stuff going on that I won't get into. Thank-you for all your help.

[Heather]

You're welcome.