Am i normal wanting to get sterelized aged 21?

[Confusedwoman12]

Hi,

so this post is about wanting advise on sterilisation or knowing young people who want to be child free like me.

So I have been doing research about getting tubes tied, and apparently you have to be at least aged 30-35 and preferably to have already had children before you'd even get considered for it, and getting tubes tides can had some bad sides effects so I may consider some other form of sterilisation. (I still doing some research)

I don't understand why you have to be in your 30's before you can do it. Doesn't it make you mature that you'd already know that you don't want to be a parent? The only reason I could think off on to why you can'#t get your tubes tied until you're older ,is the side affects and thats why you have to be older.

I know im young to want sterilisation/ to not want to be a parent. but I know it's what I want.

I have never wanted children to be honest, I've known about sterilisation sinse I was 14 and my decision about not wanting children hasn't changed.

It annoys me when people say "you'll change your mind " "your going through a phase"...if it was a phase, I would have said I wanted children by now.

The thing I am worried about is that I feel like i'd let my family down, especially my sister (even though they'd be completely supportive, I get on with my family we're close). She really wants to be an auntie. Its not like my parents won't be grandparents because they already have a grandchild. I'm worried that I will find it difficult to find a man who doesn't want them either.

I love my nephew and get on with other peoples children, but the beauty of that is I don't have the responsibility for my own child .

But I am not going to bring a child into this world if I am not ready to be a parent or don't want to be a parent. I wanted to know if there was any young people that feel the same way? Ive watched videos on youtube, the majority of people are older who discuss about being child free / being sterilised.

It wouldn't be fair of me to bring a child into this world if I didn't want a child. I truly feel that a child deserves to be loved, and cared for and although I am a loving, caring person, I don't think I'd be able to support a child, especially financially.

Please can people get intouch if they feel the same way, or could give me any advice about sterilisation and their experiences.

Thank you x

[Redskies]

Hi, Confusedwoman12.

There isn't really one "normal", as you probably know. But you certainly aren't alone in feeling that you don't want children, and sadly, you also aren't alone in experiencing challenging or dismissive reactions about it from other people. I think there's often very much a double whammy effect of people refusing to respect or believe a choice to be childfree, at any age, And the dismissive stereotype of young people not knowing what they want.

To make sure you feel heard and respected at least somewhere, I'll say: yep, there are people who know with their whole selves even in their teens or early twenties that they never want to parent and/or never want to be pregnant, and who continue feeling that way their whole lives. It's a real and legitimate thing, and if this is you, it's absolutely okay. I know we have some community members who feel this way too, so on this very site, you're not alone

I don't think anyone is letting anyone else down by not having children. I see how it could easily feel that way, with many of the social narratives and assumptions about having children, contributing to a family, what a family is, what being part of a family means. There's a different way of looking at things, though: children really, really gain from having other guide-figures in their lives than their parents. Particularly if you like being around children and being a meaningful presence in some of their lives, you're bringing in something immensely valuable for both the children and the parents - something which the world could do with a whole lot more of. As for your sister wanting to be an auntie, there are other ways of doing that than biologically. There are some awesome and much-beloved aunties who are actually "mum's best friend auntie" or "distant cousin auntie". There's a whole range of options and opportunities for your sister, and there's certainly no shortage of both children and parents who could really, really do with gaining an auntie.

I so, so agree about wanting every child to be wanted (not the same as planned ) and loved, and I know all my colleagues here do too.

Regarding the sterilisation part of this: realistically, it's unlikely you'll find a doctor who's willing to do this procedure while you're still in your early 20s. Some of the why of that is, indeed, about unfairness and bias against youth, but some of the why is also about caring and caution. While I made clear above that I'm So on board with people knowing what they want, it's also true that occasionally, some people change their minds. It's very important that anyone being sterilised is certain that no matter what circumstances change in their life - including huge or unimagineable ones - they would still not want (any more) children. Big, unforseeable life-changes can happen at any age, but they're quite common still throughout one's 20s, because that's when we're still figuring out who we are and who we want to be, and the brain is still developing. So it's natural for a doctor to be especially cautious about an irreversible procedure on someone who's in their early 20s than, say, someone in their 30s or older. No doctor would want to feel responsible for a person who later wanted to have children not being able to, particularly when there are long-acting, reversible, nearly goof-proof contraceptive methods available. That said, I do think that it should be you who gets the final say in what happens to your body, and I'm genuinely sorry that something you want is likely not available to you, or at the very least, very difficult to access.

For the practical parts of this: have you contacted Brook? They're young-people specific, so they're the people I'd start with: http://www.brook.org.uk Next, if it turns out that sterilisation isn't available to you for the moment, do you need any help from us about your alternative not-getting-pregnant options? We'd be very happy to talk them through with you and help you find your second-best choice; just didn't want to launch in if you're already all good with that part

[Atonement]

Hi, I just wanted to chime in that you're not alone.

I don't know exactly what age, but from the time I fully understood the role of a parent, I have never wanted to be one. I was probably in my mid-teens when I figured this out. Now I'm 25, and nothing's changed.

Like you, I get people telling me that I'll change my mind. I usually her this from near-strangers whenever they find out. I am lucky that all of my loved ones are supportive.

However, I've never really felt too badly about the fact that sterilization isn't an option, even if it is somewhat unfair. I'm happy with my birth control and think I might even keep using it when I am old enough for sterilization. For me personally, maintaining a birth control method is more appealing than having to undergo a surgical procedure, mainly because of the whole pain factor and also because a tubal ligation won't have any effect on controlling my periods.

If you're interested in this, what about one of the long-term, low failure rate options like an IUD, Implanon, or even a Nuvaring (what I chose).

But, to answer your question, you are absolutely not alone.

[Confusedwoman12]

Hi both of you

Thankyou so much for replying it really means alot

I am going though a complicated situation where, I managed to take an emergency controceptive pill and i have had a bleed like a normal period, however because I took it the Dr wasn't sure if it was a hormonol bleed or something, rather then it being a period and they told me to use a 21 day pill and come back and do a test. I genuinelly think it is a period but Im going to double check anyway that I am not preganant . I was careful and used a condom but I think his pre cum might have gone inside so it does worry me. Especially sinse I am careful and want to have a sex life without having to worry about pregnancy

I am also more for getting the inplant and finding way to stay protected because my best friend has just found out she's pregnant and she is getting an abortion. I am going with her for support but I never want to be in that situation myself and I have been told the implant is good for protection

Can you get a five year inplant or is it just three? ...Id have one for the rest of my life if it meant that i didn't have a baby

[Redskies]

I'm sorry to hear you're currently going through a pregnancy worry. If it helps to know, that bleed you had makes it enormously unlikely that you're pregnant. (I'm not quite sure what you or the doctor mean by a "hormonal bleed", because bleeds are caused by the hormonal changes in the menstrual cycle or by hormonal contraception, and hormones-causing-a-period are also hormones-because-you're-not-pregnant.) Given that you really don't want to be pregnant, the doctor is probably just making super-super-sure by asking you to do a test.

Were you previously taking the pill, or is this a new method the doctor gave you? It sounds like it's new for you, but wanted to make sure I have that right.

It's also sounding like you're not feeling the pill is the method you want. Do you feel like the doctor did a full contraceptive consult with you where they explained all your options - if not, did they let you know how to get that consult?

We can certainly talk about contraceptive options with you. For sure, if sterilisation is not available to you, the first methods I'd suggest would be super-reliable long-acting ones:
- the Contraceptive Implant (Implanon) a progestin-only hormonal implant in your arm. Yes, this lasts 3 years, and there's not currently a longer-lasting version available.
- Intrauterine Devices (IUD, IUC or IUS) These last 3, 5 or up to 12 years, depending on which kind of device.

You can also go through our Birth Control Bingo! if you want to start from the beginning with all options on the table.

[Confusedwoman12]

I use to be on it a few years ago and then I came off it because I wasn't sexually active but I am again now and althought the pill is good, I do worry about forgetting it and my periods are painful which is why I want to go on the implant so even though they mess up a bit, I won't have to worry too much about my periods

But I wasn't taking it before they put me on the pill yesterday

and yeah I don't think I'm pregant. I am a bit of a Hypercondriac worrying about my health etc, I always like to make sure I am okay

[Redskies]

Okay! So, when you go back to see this doctor, you can let them know that the implant is the method you want the most, and you'd like an appointment or a referral to someone who can discuss that with you and, provided everything's good health-wise in that consult, fit it for you.

[sexpositivity94]

Hi Confusedwoman12,

You are absolutely not alone! I have never wanted children, and as I get older, the feeling doesn't go away- it gets stronger! I am 21 also, and I have been thinking about sterilization for several years now. I actually made a topic on this message board asking about it- similar to yours! I know I want to wait until I finish college (about 3 more years) but I am almost positive that this is the right decision for me. Yes, I too get quite frustrated when I hear people discredit my decision. It's either "You're too young" or "You'll change your mind" or "You'll regret it if you do it now" or something to that affect. This frustrates me for many reasons. It has a lot to do with women's perceived role in society. They are supposed to want to have children, do all they can to make that happen, and then love it when it does. It is your experience, your body. I think it is ridiculous that a consenting adult cannot decide what she does with her own body. Some people I know that are telling me to wait had kids at an older age and when they were younger they thought they never wanted kids. I get that it comes from a place of caring, because they don't want me to miss out on an experience that meant so much to them, but that is them. Everyone is different. I can't say for sure that I don't want kids or won't want them at some point in my life. However, I know for a fact that I will not want to HAVE them- meaning being pregnant, carrying the pregnancy to term, and raising an infant of my own. I have found myself more interested in fostering children- years and years from now. I also don't think it is fair that this option (as well as adoption, etc) are not considered equally valid parenting choices. But, I digress. Now is the time to live your life for you. I am sorry that you cannot get the procedure you want when you want it. I know some long term birth control options that you can keep in for up to 5 years (hormonal or non-hormonal IUD) until you are old enough. If you have any questions, or just want to talk, feel free- I'm a pretty open book.

[Heather]

By the way, do you want to talk about how to seek out the sterilization it sounds like you ultimately want? Being 21 isn't a total no-go for that procedure, it just can take some calling around and careful screening to find a healthcare provider to do that for a younger person.