This might be a really ridiculous question to ask, but...

[MusicNerd]

I saw the "What's in Your Safer Sex Kit?" thread and I didn't want to derail the conversation with a question over there, so I figure I'd post my question related to the topic here: does it seem like it would make sense to prepare a safer sex kit even if I'm currently not/have never been sexually active? I don't really see any partners in my near future, but I also am not planning on being celibate forever (at least, I hope not forever... but like I also can't guarantee that, so.... ). idk if it would be a good investment or not to even put one together. so yeah, that's my basic (and super embarrassing) question.

[Snorkmaiden]

I don't think that's a ridiculous question at all.

I'd think about it this way: what are the pros and cons?

Cons are, as I see it:
- that you might buy some condoms or other barriers that will not be used before they expire.
- ???

Pros are:
- that you might feel better / more at peace knowing that you are prepared for whatever may happen.
- that you are taking an active interest in your own sexual health, which is super great.
- that you'll already get an idea of what kind of stuff you want, how it works, and where you can get it. That may come in handy, some day.
- that it may help you feel that sex is something you have agency in, and get to make decisions on, not something that may or may not happen to you.

What do you think of that list? What did I leave out? What would your list look like?

[Redskies]

Also doesn't sound at all ridiculous to me!

Personally, I think "partnered sex maybe at some point, but not right now" is a great timeframe to start thinking about a safer sex kit, precisely because it gives you space to think about it without it being stressful or rushed, and totally avoids any potential for getting into any specific situations where you start wondering when the exact right time is to put a kit together and whether you're being presumptious and getting ahead of yourself or whether you're risking finding yourself unprepared Really, I think the best metre is your own feelings: if it feels like a good idea, it probably is.

Too, safer sex is a part of some kinds of a solo sex life: for example, anyone using toys needs to clean them correctly and/or use barriers to avoid infection; and experimenting with different brands of lube to find out which feels best.

It doesn't have to be a massive investment: you might want to have a small sampler pack of different kinds of barriers, for example.

[MusicNerd]

Hey Snorkmaiden and Redskies, thanks for your non-judgmental responses! I really appreciate it.

I see what you're saying Snorkmaiden, but I guess I was wondering if you could clarify this part of your list here for me where you said, "that it may help you feel that sex is something you have agency in, and get to make decisions on, not something that may or may not happen to you." 'Cause I get that sex is about agency, but also to give some context: 1. I'm not the kind of person that people ask out/express interest in in that way (unless they're creepy old men, and I'd really rather not count them) and 2. I can't really control who does or doesn't like me, so how can sex not be something that might or might not happen? Like, there's no way I could know that it'll happen since that depends on what other people want and are looking for in a partner/relationship, and statistically-speaking I most likely will not fit that.

Mm, I see what you mean Redskies, and I think this part of what you said really struck a chord with me, the part about how there are situations where some "start wondering when the exact right time is to put a kit together and whether you're being presumptious and getting ahead of yourself". Like, I think that's what makes me kinda stuck about this is that it does feel pretty presumptuous to me, and then I'm just kinda like "hmm, I'm getting pretty ahead of myself here, aren't I?"

[Snorkmaiden]

" I can't really control who does or doesn't like me, so how can sex not be something that might or might not happen? "

Well, it IS something that might or might not happen, but you get to have a say in that. You can't decide single-handedly that sex with another person is definitely going to happen, but you can certainly decide that it isn't, and you can also decide that it's something you are interested in or want to happen. So you are not a fully passive party in that: you are in fact one of the people who decide whether or not it happens.
And taking control of your own sexual health can be something that indicates that, if only to yourself, if it has that effect for you.
Does that make my meaning clearer?

[MusicNerd]

mm, I guess I kinda get what you're saying. Like, I get choosing not to participate in sexual things with someone (like I choose not to take up those creepy old men on their "offers"/displays of power and entitlement to try and make me feel uncomfortable), but I guess I'm kinda confused by what you're saying since it implies that people are even making those passes at me... which they're very much not. lol

[MusicNerd]

hmm, maybe I'm just overthinking all this and this shows I shouldn't do it. okay, nevermind anything I asked then, thanks anyway. lol

[Redskies]

For my part:

what if there were some duets you really liked and hoped you meet someone who played the other instrument and also liked them and wanted to play them with you - would you feel like it'd be presumptious to get the sheet music before you met such a person? If this situation feels different to the safer sex supplies one, how is it different?

[Redskies]

(Too, for what it's worth, if you're having thoughts and feelings about this, it's worth talking about if you want to. Of course, if you want to drop it, that's fine too.)

[MusicNerd]

oh man, Redskies, you shouldn't have brought the sheet music analogy into this, 'cause now you've really got me thinking-- as is apparent in my username. haha

i guess for me as a musician with the sheet music example it feels different, 'cause: 1. i've played many, many duets/group pieces with people before and feel pretty comfortable about my abilities, 2. i have musician friends i could reach out to who'd be pretty happy to play some duets with me, so i know i'd have some folks around me interested in playing with me and 3. finding a music-jamming buddy is a lot less complex than finding someone to sleep with (at least from my perspective). like, there are a lot fewer factors that need to be considered (like desirability isn't really a factor in duet-playing, IMO). basically, as long as you can play an instrument, the other person likes the piece you've picked and you're not a jerk, most people would be interested in playing duets with you. lol

[Redskies]

So, that'd feel comfortable for you because you feel confident about the likelihood of finding a duet partner and it going well for the both of you? Would it make a difference if there was a piece that used a really obscure other instrument, or that was a really obscure style that next to nobody usually wanted to go near - what would it mean to you in those situations to have that music on your shelf?

[MusicNerd]

So, that'd feel comfortable for you because you feel confident about the likelihood of finding a duet partner and it going well for the both of you?

yup, basically!

Would it make a difference if there was a piece that used a really obscure other instrument, or that was a really obscure style that next to nobody usually wanted to go near - what would it mean to you in those situations to have that music on your shelf?

well, if it was a really obscure other instrument and I had the piece on my shelf, it would be more for collectible purposes-- as in, "I don't expect someone to play the viola de gamba, but I think baroque music is really cool and this sheet music looks awesome". and I think in that situation it wouldn't say anything about my abilities as a musician, since I still think I'd be good at what I do and it's still something I'd enjoy looking over (even though I'm a little rusty at the moment lol). but I can't feel that way about putting together a safer sex kit, because I feel like I can't detach myself from that the way I could with sheet music.

as in, I can very much not take it personally when I think "no one's playing this sheet music with me, because barely anyone plays this specific instrument anymore in this century," whereas I can't be like that with sex, because it's like "no one's using any of these things in the kit with me, because..... well, people still have sex in this century, so it's more because no one is interested in doing that with me". which is like, fine, obviously since everyone is entitled to sleep with whomever they want and it doesn't have to be with me. but "not using what's on my shelf", so to speak is also something I can't detach myself from as easily as I can with unused sheet music. idk if that makes any sense, but it made sense to me as I was typing it. haha

[MusicNerd]

EDIT: made some edits in the last paragraph to make my thoughts a bit clearer.

[Heather]

IMO, I think you're overthinking this when it just comes to having safer sex items or not having them for now.

I'd say that if it feels good to you -- good meaning fun, exciting, interesting, happy-silly -- and/or makes you feel more confident just being prepared, start crafting. Most items you'd put in it have shelf lives of a few years, so it's not like anything is going to go bad. If not, hold off until it does feel any of those ways, or when you do have sexual partnership nearby on the horizon.

You also can put something together that starts off with things that can be used for masturbation and partnered sex, like lube and latex gloves, for instance, and then build as needed.

[MusicNerd]

hey Heather! yup, I always do overthink things, so not surprising I'd do this here either. lol thanks

[Heather]

If anything about this feels like pressure to you, and sends your mind into a bad spin, I say leave it. You've got an incredible mind, based on what I've seen of you during your tenure here, so by all means, filling it with anything that doesn't feel like a good use of it, or like it takes away from it's positives? Meh: ditch, I say.

[MusicNerd]

aww, thanks Heather! that's really sweet of you to say about me/my mind mm, I wish I could just easily ditch those things, but it's hard sometimes. maybe I'll get better at it in time, who knows