Scarleteen

I haven't been in a relationship since early 2012. Since then I have started college and have had a series of non-relationship relationships where my interaction with a guy will be very romantic but we never labeled it. One of these NRRs really hurt me worse than any person I've ever encountered and for a while I really had a hard time trusting guys. Now that I have moved on from that I'm ready to put myself back in the dating game but so far I've been stood up twice, the guy that I liked rejected me, and it feels like everyone around me is getting into relationships. It has all been very frustrating.

I kind of fluctuate between "happy singleton" and "single lady crying into a box of animal crackers". I really want to meet someone who I can connect with on a physical, emotional, and intellectual level but I feel like that is almost impossible in this hookup culture that is very prominent in college. I've tried to be cool with hookups but they don't satisfy me. I'm putting myself out there and making myself look appealing but I'm still over here dating Netflix. I've tried Tinder and other dating websites but I end up getting matched with guys who are the absolute worst.

What am I doing wrong?

Hi a-day,

Dating is tricky, so it's not really that you're doing anything wrong. If you're finding that things like tinder and other dating sites aren't working for you, it might help to instead just focus on meeting people in activities or clubs that you enjoy. That way, you end up meeting new friends, and some of those friends might turn into people who you want to date and who want to date you. It can also help to remember that, even if it feels like most people on campus are looking for more casual interactions, there are probably plenty of people who want a relationship more like the one you want. It just takes time to find them (and there's not doubt that can be frustrating)

Too, know that the idea that college is all hookups has been found by many studies to be based in pluralistic ignorance. In other words, the idea that's all that is happening and what everyone wants is false, but so many people believe it that they will often, as you have, do that even when it's not what they really want, and not be clear about what they really want.

So, know it's rarely as common as it seems, and stick to going only for what you really want, and communicating what that is to anyone you want to date (that's a much better use of emotional energy, and a better strategy, than "trying to look appealing."). If we don't put what we really want out there, the chances of us finding it are very slim.

I suspect there's really nothing big that you are doing "wrong", it's just that relationships can't really be forced. The desire to find a mate is so strong that this can be very hard to accept, but in my humble opinion, the kind of emotional connection you seem to be looking for is to a degree beyond our control.

I have a suggestion. Feel free to reject it, of course, but I would like to put it out there.

Maybe, instead of putting so much energy into finding dates which end in frustration, you could use this time alone to build a really strong relationship with yourself. This could potentially be helpful in several ways: The more contented you are being alone with yourself, the easier this phase of being single should be to bear. The better your confidence and self-worth, the more likely you are to attract a decent person and protect yourself from any not so decent people who might approach you. And when you do find a relationship, you will be a better partner.

I don't mean to say that I think you aren't confident or can't be with yourself. Please don't think I am trying to judge you. I am just trying to think of stuff you could do for yourself independently of others.