Was I Abused? I think I was, but often wonder.

[HsurNiarb]

Hi, I am a genderfluid human. I don't want to be terribly explicit with stuff, but these things have weighed on me for two, to five, to as long as twelve years, and I don't know for sure if any of it really counts as abuse. There were two accounts.

One was a short lived purely text based relationship. I loved this individual like I had never loved anyone, and I was young, maybe fourteen. We did a lot of sexual roleplay, and while at first he made it clear he had no romantic attraction to me, he later pretended to love me so that I would do more with him. After maybe three months of this, I had done all I could, I hated myself for it, but I had done all he wanted. At this point, he told me he was done with me, and he didn't speak to me ever again.

Also turns out he had been smut rping with my best friend, too. At the same time.


Another instance, an ex who was actually kinda abusive all along. We hung out in this hall pretty frequently, and it was not very private at all. One day, we had been kissing, and I told him I would allow some breast play. The next day, he took me up on the offer, but started to go further. I never said no, but my discomfort was clear. "What if someone sees us?" and an interrupted "I don't think thi--" passed my lips, but then his hand was...places. And I faked moaning and stuff cuz I just wanted it to be over, but it was clearly pretty forced moaning. It hurt, a lot, and he was very, very rough. I bled just from tearing of external stuff, let alone internal. And for crying out loud, it was in public, at school, on a scratchy hallway carpet by lots of windows and the gym where working out was happening. I felt nasty, but...

I didn't say no. I pretended to like it. Do I have any right to be mad at either person?

[Sam W]

Hi Hsurniarb,

Those are both really cruddy things to have to go through, so I'm sorry you did. I want to say that, ultimately, the only person who can label these experiences is you. So if they felt abusive, then you get to call it that. And, you get to feel the ways that you feel about what happened. So if right now you feel angry, then that's okay.

That being said, the first instance definitely sounds manipulative and like there was pressure and deceit involved, which checks a lot of the red flag boxes. And the second instance, even though you didn't say no, you didn't give an explicit, enthusiastic yes, which is what we consider consent. So if you weren't consenting, then this was assault. Plus, it sounds like your discomfort was obvious, and a respectful partner would have acknowledged that and backed off. But this person didn't, and disregarded you comfort to boot. And I think you absolutely get to be angry about that.

[HsurNiarb]

Thanks... I dunno I just feel really guilty being mad because I am still friends with the second guy, and in both scenarios I could have stopped things, but I didn't... This friend is a good guy (usually), so being mad at him feels wrong, and I feel like I should have gotten over it by now.

[Sam W]

You're welcome. The reaction you're having is normal. People who do abusive things do not do them 100% of the time. They can (and usually do) have qualities that make us really like and care about them, and want to see the best in them. But those good things don't cancel out the harm they cause. You get to feel angry about being hurt, and you also get to feel conflicted about that anger.

It's also pretty common to feel like you could have done something to stop what happened. But something we know about abusive people is that they continue to pressure their targets. Or, if you'd said a different "no" they would have ignored that too. You could have said "no" or "stop" in a million different ways, and there is no promise that any of those ways would have made them stop. Because they made the choice to keep going.

I want to ask, since you're still friends with the second guy, do you feel safe? Or do you think there's a chance he'll do the same thing again?