I'm disabled and my partner is too: Some questions

[koopins]

Hey everybody,

I was wondering if you guys could give me a little help with a few questions I have, but first I want to give some background:

My boyfriend has Autism and I have spastic Cerebral Palsy. We have been together about 4 and a half years now Overall, our entire relationship is fantastic, from the amount of sex to our friendship; I just want to make our sex life as good as it can be, especially in light of the fact that we will be moving in together in and getting engaged in about three months

So, on to the questions:

Does anyone have any ideas on how to make cheap sex pillows? I have trouble staying upright in the heat of the moment, but I love positions where we are both upright facing each other. We have tried multiple types of regular pillows with no luck.

When we are in missionary position, my boyfriend will enter, but say he feels like he's hitting a wall after a few strokes. The way he remedies this is to go to a standing position at the edge of the bed and scoot me over there to continue. Now, I do not mind this all that much and sometimes it can be sexy, the problem is that it's becoming the only way we have sex when I want to lay on my back. I would love to have sex skin to skin. How do we compromise on this

For most of our sex life we used condoms as birth control...Condoms made PIV sex super painful no matter the amount of lube due to the amount of friction , even when I had no infections. Now that I am on the minipill, we have been able to go without condoms and I am finally having good PIV sex. Is there any brands of condoms I could try in case the bcp fails? {Note: We've tried One, trojan, and durex]

Finally: I am really turned on when my boyfriend tells me what he wants in bed or moans in pleasure over something I do. The autism makes it very difficult for him to tell me what he wants and I know that, but I am still a little disappointed when he doesn't take the lead. We have talked about this multiple times and he tries, but he tends to go slient when we get to the bedroom. Any ideas on how I can make my desires workable for him?

[Heather]

Going to just try and answer the questions you've got here pretty basically first. If you want to dig in more, by all means, do!

Per the pillows, have you tried stuffing more than one pillow into a pillowcase? The more pillows you can get in one, the firmer a pillow you'll ultimately have. Alternately, depending on what kind of medical insurance (if any) you have, have you asked any of your healthcare providers about if they can get you coverage for things like this that you need? Sometimes that is an option.

With the intercourse position issues, when he says he feels like he's "hitting a wall," is this at times you are very highly aroused or not? I'm just trying to get a sense of if this is or isn't about your vaginal canal being shorter than it can be with full arousal.

With the condoms, Trojan and Durex are perfectly good brands, but there are better out there when it comes to feeling. Why don't you take a look at our condom shop -- http://www.scarleteen.com/condom_shop -- and consider grabbing a sampler pack or two from there to explore some new brands and styles? You can also take a look at the site that sponsors that shop (whether you buy from them/us or not) to get an idea for other options. There's a link to them near the bottom of that page.

Per your last paragraph, has he had any ideas about ways he'd feel more comfortable communicating with sex, whether he's initiating or not? It might be that words aren't the way to go for him, or that he might feel more able if some of the pressure to do that was taken off. By all means, you get to want what you want and feel how you feel about your sex life, but if he's worried about you being disappointed if he doesn't "take the lead," then it's going to feel harder to do that because that puts pressure on the situation.

[koopins]

Okay, lets dig in:

1. Well, I have quite bit of trunk control normally, but during sex I tend to get all floppy near the base of my spine I haven't really talked to my insurance about that since im covered by my dads insurance and I really don't want to open that can of worms right now lol

2. My spasticity really effects how my muscles stretch and loosen, so even if I have a mind blowing orgasm I sometimes will tent very little. This also could deal with the fact of how my partner penetrates me...like he kind of separates my flaps all the way down with his fingers before inserting his penis. I have told him frequently that this feels wierd to me, but despite trying everything, he just can't seem to slip it in without "unfolding" me first. Height could also be an issue, since he is 6'2 and i'm 5'3.

4. I think a lot of it has to do with how uncomfertable he is in his current situation...he comes from a household where just talking about sex was considered sinful and he never really got to explore himself sexually until our relationship. Until he finishes this semester, we have had to basically creep around to hotels or my house if we want to have sex. The stress plus the sneaking around I think is whats causing some of it. That being said, I tried everything from talking to asking him to dirty IMs to no avail. I try to keep the pressure off at all times, but its difficult for me because he is so giving in bed that by the time I want to give back he'll have no idea what he wants

[Heather]

Okay! (Numbering like you did for easy reference.)

1) You have some options here that don't have to involve talking with your father about sex if that's not part of your relationship (and you don't want it to be). For one, just asking a healthcare provider if this is even an option doesn't involve talking to your Dad, just to them. At least you can know if it is or isn't: if it's a no, then you know you need to explore alternatives. If it's a yes, then you can ask about how you can do that. For instance, covering sexual helps doesn't mean that's what'll show up on an insurance bill. And whether you had something covered or not, the same kinds of props that tend to help with physical disability and sex also help with physical disability and sleep. (I know with my own pain and nerve condition, the stuff I've had for sleep has certainly done double-duty in that respect sometimes.)

So, for example, if you got (again, whether it's covered by insurance or not: these are cheap) a foam wedge made to go below the back and under the knees, a common thing for people with pain or a reactive nervous system for sleep, can also be used for sex.

Alternately, if it's your lower back where you lose control, what you might try and DIY are those stuffed pillowcases like I mentioned, and using firm and stuffed ones mixed with regular ones to find a configuration that works for you.

Doing that -- and all of this may not be news to you, so pardon me telling you anything you already know or have ways of managing -- is something you may have to do during sex, and for sure, that can mean it taking a little while to get things set up or to make adjustments sometimes. And some people find it hard to stay excited while they're doing that. If that's the case for wither of you, you'll just want to get creative and explore ways of keeping the sexytime going when you have to do that, like talking about what you're excited about out loud, still touching body parts, fantasizing, etc.

2) It's not atypical for partners (or oneself) to move aside the inner and/or outer labia for sexual activity, so this isn't just about you and your partner. Often, that's necessary to keep the inner labia from winding up inside the vaginal opening. So, it may just be a practical part of those kinds of sex for you to get used to, that's all. On the other hand, if it's really not necessary, then what needs to happen is that you ask your partner to please not do that because it doesn't feel good to you, and you offer to do a little detective work together to figure out alternatives if he seems to think he has to do that. Make sense?

4) So, it sounds like he just may need some real time -- months or years, maybe -- to more gradually feel more comfortable. (Of course, you may also want to check in that he feels comfortable with everything you've been doing: if he doesn't, not only will that be part of the problem, but perhaps obviously, you also want to stop, since sex someone doesn't really want or feel okay with just isn't a thing we want anyone to be part of.)

Too, does he WANT to do things like share sexual IMs or "take the lead?" Because I get that you want it, and that he's tried to do some of this, but what I don't know is if he, himself, wants any of this or that dynamic. Can you fill me in on that?

[koopins]

Here's the deal: Short answer was that he did; long answer is that he still does, only under very specific conditions

I met my boyfriend when he and I were both 18. When he said he didn't know much about sex, I was really naive about the kind of help he would need. I grew up in a household where sex wasn't talked about, but I was able to learn what I needed through books. So, I kind of threw books at the problem til we both realized that wasn't going to work. Still, we had regular sex and liked to get creative over texts and IMs when we were apart.

About a year and a half in, on a school break, his mom snooped and found some racy texts we had sent each other. She called my BF filthy and shameful for texting each other stuff like that. When his dad come he threatened to disown my BF if I ever got pregnant. For the rest of the break they filled his head with untrue ideas (I must've had an STI because I asked him to get tested, I only wanted him for his money, oral sex was dirty and only done by people who wanted to pass diseases etc) He said he didn't believe most of it but the damage was still done. After that, we had about six months of sex where he would zone out or get really emotional, causing sex to stop. Then he disclosed some abuse that was done to him and went into counseling through our school to try to work some things out. I also went during this time to try to work out some issues of my own and learn how to handle a relationship like this. BF was in counseling for about a year and while it helped I don't think it really dealt with issues of the level he was experiencing.

As the years passed, BF's relationship with his parents steadily got worse (they stopped teaching sex ed to their other children and expected BF to answer all the questions they had; repeatedly stepped over boundaries, especially when I was in his house etc) that we decided together to go low contact once he graduates and pool our money together so he can go to a therapist full time and move on with his life.

When we had sex, he would only let me know if he is actively hurting, otherwise he would say nothing or that he's fine. We have tried everything that has been offered to us by counsellors, from abstaining ( eventually he will get aroused and find me to have sex, but will fall into the same pattern when it comes to receiving from me, which stops sex again) to mutual masturbation (he only recently has been able to get hard during that and never stays that way; he can only masturbate with me) and on and on. I honestly love him so much that I feel that I can honestly deal if our sex life is never normal, I just want to be with him.

Recently, however, we have made a breakthrough of sorts. If I go super slow over a couple of days, I can get him to open up and talk more about his needs. It takes a long weekend and basically no distractions, but our sex life is getting better. He calls it "safe spacing". My real question is how can I help him bring the safe space from, say a hotel, back to our bedroom?

[Sam W]

I have a thought about the safe spacing (and hopefully other folks will have more). What if you tried playing sex as a really long game. So, plan a day when you'll have space and time alone,and then for a week or so in advance, see if you can build up that same openess and feeling of safety. Does that seem like something you'd be able to try? (also, I am so, so sorry that his parents put him through all that. That was incredibly unkind of them)

[koopins]

Also, I know what I just wrote is likely way beyond the scope of this site, it just felt really good to write it all out

In fact, since I have wrote it all out I have a feeling its a sexual control issue. The fact is, when we go to a hotel, he really can separate himself from all the stressors that he is having. Usually, only my parents and my attendants know where we are during those trips. I am hoping when we move into the apartment together, he can start to build a safe space with me, but I also know it will be a lot of work

[koopins]

@SamW: Yeah, it does..honestly it looks like he will have a long break from school next week, so we are planning on traveling and looking at apartments in our desired area as long as the weather permits, he sounded really excited about it when I talked to him about it :~)
,

[Redskies]

Hi, koopins.

For sure, that's some big and complex stuff of your boyfriend's - and consequently, of your shared sex life - that you're asking about. Big and complex doesn't take it outside our scope, though - after all, it's sex and relationship things you're asking about Thank you for the thoughtfulness around that, though. The only thing I'd say is that pretty obviously, one or a few conversations on a website can't provide a whole or magic answer to someone's deep personal stuff; what we certainly can do is offer insights, support and suggestions for possible ways forward.

It does sound like you - that's you personally and the both of you - have done a pretty great job so far at approaching a challenging situation with real care, compassion, patience and realism.

I have a few questions about your boyfriend's situation that'll likely help us figure out how to best help you, if you're comfortable answering them. Does your boyfriend still live with his parents, and how much does he still rely on them for any kinds of emotional, practical or financial support/connections? If he doesn't live with them now, how long has he been moved out for? I can see you wrote about the intention to go low-contact, but I understand that as something you're both planning for the future and that hasn't happened yet - do I have that right?

The counselling your boyfriend had - do you know if that was with someone with particular interest and training in dealing with sexual issues, and/or with particular training around abuse? Did he also feel like that person was competent at meeting any needs he has around his autism? When you mentioned suggestions that have been made to the two of you, are you referring to each of your individual counselling, or have you both had any couple's counselling?

[koopins]

Currently, my BF is living at college, but he would come home to his house every break. Once he graduates in about 3 months, he is going to move in with me and we plan to go low contact. Until he graduates he relies on his parents to pay his tution and is on his parents health insurance , but otherwise pays his own bills. As far as emotional/practical support he receives a call once a week from his mom that seems to stress him out more often than not. He tends to come to me or my family for support

About the counseling: I really don't know if BF's counselor had any special training or interest in autism or the abuse issues. The counseling department at our school was really better suited for short term issues than what my BF was going through. I remember one of his biggest issues with center was the fact that he would never be able to get a week to week appointment with the same doctor, he was kind of shuffled between three different counsellors at the school and would have to sometimes explain his situation to, despite his counseling file, which ate up precious time during his appointments.

All of the suggestions we were given were out of each of our individual sessions. Our school never offered private couples counseling, only group counseling for couples, which neither one of us felt comfortable going to, since a lot of his issues are and were intensely private.

[Heather]

I'm out doing outreach today, but just wanted to suggest a book for him that does a great job at helping people get an awareness of, and work through, sexual yuck learned through families. It's called "Sex Smart," and is usually very easy to find.

[Redskies]

Okay! Thanks, I think we're well filled-in now about your current circumstances and the kinds of assistance you've both already had.

From what you've said, I think the biggie here is his current connection to his parents. When a part of our life is still based in their house - even if we're not there physically at a given time - and when there's still a very meaningful tie or reliance like tuition money, a lot of our mind can still really think and respond very much as the mind of their kid in their house, even if we don't want it to and we're trying to be as separate as possible. It's typically quite hard anyway to remove harmful attitudes and voices of our parents from our minds - or at least to limit their impact to something healthily manageable - and that usually becomes somewhere on a scale of Herculean-to-impossible if we're still in any kind of parent-child relationship with them And they're still saying harmful things.

I'm really glad for him and for the both of you that he has a plan and is able to change his situation with them in the near future. I think that making that big change is very likely to create changes, and space to make changes, in his experience of his own sexuality and his sexual relationship with you. Those changes do take time, and how it plays out is different for each person, but I do think he and the two of you will be working on a different landscape once he goes low-contact. It's a little like, at the moment you're both trying to grow plants on barren land that his parents keep dumping more pollution on; when you're able to move to new land, you might both find that you need to learn a lot about plant-growing and you don't yet have some of the tools you need and the land needs a lot of working first But there is the potential for many tall, bushy, healthy plants, with time and the right tools and guidance.

So, I think there are some inbuilt limitations to the situation he has at the moment. Literally getting away from everyday life sounds like an excellent way of getting around some of those limitations; if you both can find elements of that that you can bring into your own bedroom, that's great. If you find that there's not a lot of those, that likely has very little to do with anything in the two of your daily life and bedroom, and a lot to do with his current wider circumstances with his parents.

Obviously there's a great deal more to be said about all of this. In this conversation with us, would you prefer to focus on strategies for the next 3 months, or on the overall picture between you into the future, or a combination?

A two-parter, here. 1) Would either of you like or benefit from further information or support about abuse and/or abuse recovery? If you would, we can suggest a range of good-quality resources, possibly including some free or low-cost in-person ones if you wanted that. 2) Have any of both of your counsellors offered information about how family/parental attitudes and behaviour can influence a person's sexuality, and if not, would that be helpful to either of you? - Heather's suggestion would fit that bill well.

[koopins]

I think our focus would benefit if it was a combination of the next three months and the overall picture, because right now BF and I are just preparing to move.

I would also love more resources about abuse recovery and the way parental attitudes affect someone's sexuality.

@Heather: I will be sure to pick that book up.

[Redskies]

For the resources, have you seen the ones on our site? If not, they're a good place to start - perhaps with Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault

I'm wondering where your boyfriend is at at the moment with things. Obviously, it's you who's having a conversation with us here, so it's harder to get a handle on his perspective. It's pretty clear that he thinks everything with his sexuality and your shared sexual relationship isn't fine and dandy and that he'd like it to be different; can I ask you to move back for a moment and consider whether he's currently in a position to really be seeking, pursuing and driving his own changes and development in this right now? Because those aren't the same thing. It's totally possible - and it happens more often than most people realise, I think - for someone to be unhappy with a thing and wish it was different, but not have the emotional bandwidth to tackle it, or have other priorities, or just to need more time. Is he also taking steps to seek solutions or improvements right now, like you are here?

[koopins]

oookay this took me a little while to answer and my thoughts may be a little scattered, but I will try to answer as coherently as I can:

Yes, I do believe he is seeking improvements to better himself (and by extension us), but they may not be what needs to be at the top of the priority list. Right now, he has gotten back into exercising at the gym regularly, which has done wonders for his confidence levels and he is starting to make it priority to talk about his wants and needs with me, both sexual and non-sexually. He is also reaching out to friends more, so im not his only source of support

Now, does that deal with a lot of the problems he's going through? No, not really, but it is enough of a baby step that I feel confortable with it until we move into our place and begin to start our life together

After the move in, his list is going to look like this according to him:
* Get a full top to bottom exam to make sure he has no health issues moving foward
* Find a full time therapist that will fit his needs
* Find a job (if one hasn't been found already) (he has at least three months rent saved up just in case)
* Find out the cause of the nightmares he has
* Find out the cause of his near-constant heat exhaustion
* Figure out sexual issues (basically what we have discussed)~

One quick note: BF has given me permission to talk about this

[Redskies]

No worries, seems pretty coherent to me; and thanks for taking the time to think so carefully about your boyfriend's position and priorities.

Okay. What really comes over to me from reading that is that for your boyfriend, now is just not the right time for him to be really digging into his sexual issues and trying to resolve or work on them. Did it speak like that to you too, or did you get something different from it?

I think a big thing here is likely that he simply needs more time. If he's not able to take the lead, if he's not able to communicate much or communicate/identify his wants, that's probably because he's just not ready for those things yet.

I get the sense from what you've written so far that you really want to help him be ready and you really want to create a relationship environment where he can be ready - partly because you wish he was ready, and partly because he wants to be ready. Those are good things to want. The thing is, his difficulty - from what you describe - doesn't lie within the relationship with you, it's in his own self. You - just you or you both - making relationship or paired-sex adaptions to try to help him be ready isn't going to work, because it can't change his readiness or not-readiness. You - koopins - can't actually make this right or better for him, no matter how much you or he want that.

If he's feeling like some of his issue is control-related, I'd see that as another cue for you to back off it a bit. It's sounding like he's feeling pretty lost as to how to inhabit and own his own sexuality; so, give him time and space to figure out how to grasp those things for himself. It's not surprising if he's looking to you for some of the answers there, but in the long-term, out-sourcing to you is likely to be another way his difficulty manifests rather than fixing it. Does that make sense? Part of him regaining the control that's rightfully his will also be him claiming and wearing the responsibility for getting that control. If he's not alright with that at the moment - if he can't understand or accept the truth of that, if he can't deal with the situation not being fixed, or if he just isn't yet able to do that claiming and wearing - that'd be another big cue that he's not ready.

How do you feel about what I've said?

[koopins]

I totally get where your coming from. Rationally, I do understand that, like in the other parts of his healing process, he needs to decide for himself the speed he wants to go at in terms of his sexuality. I need to kind of get out of my own way when it comes to this, I know he will be pleased with whatever we do together and when he finally does gain control over that part of himself, it will only make us stronger

Now, I just have a quick question about how abuse can affect sexuality:

Can abuse or negative attitudes about sex affect ejaculation, but not the process of getting an erection?

[Sam W]

Hi koopins,

The unhelpful thing about (well, one of many unhelpful things) about the aftermath of abuse is that it can have really unpredictable results (the same goes for negative attitudes about sex). So, it is possible that it would not effect someone's ability to get aroused, but would rear it's head after they've ejaculated.

[Redskies]

Also, koopins, looping back round to one thing you came in asking about and tying it in to where we've got to: you said you'd like him to tell you what he wants more. In my most recent post, I basically answered that with "he probably can't do more than he is at the moment, there's probably nothing you or you both can do to make that happen faster, and it's probably best if you stop trying to have it happen". Obviously, that doesn't fit with or fulfil your sexual wishes. That doesn't mean your sexual wishes are unimportant! Your wishes and desires are valid and important, and don't magically vanish if/when a partner doesn't share them or isn't currently capable of being part of them. It can be challenging to be part of a partnership where there are very different levels of readiness, or very different pacing, or significant differences in wishes/desires. It's totally valid to need to figure out how best to work with and around those differences - both as individuals and as part of the partnership - so that no-one gets hurt or feels crappy. Do you want to talk about where you're at personally with your sexual relationship now and how you feel about everything, and how you might navigate a healthy and rewarding way forward for you both?

[Heather]

I also just wanted to leave a few resources for your partner specifically relating to Autism and sexuality, should he want them:
• http://autismnow.org/wp-content/uploads ... y-Tool.pdf
• http://nakedbrainink.com/
• "Sex, Sexuality and the Autism Spectrum," by Wendy Lawson (book)
• " Intimate Relationships and Sexual Health: A Curriculum for Teaching Adolescents/Adults with High-Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorders and Other Social Challenges" (book)

[koopins]

@Redskies Sure I would love to talk about that:

I feel that the sexual relationship I have with myself is pretty good. If Bf doesn't feel up to something, I can usually take care of it myself. I think the big issue I have is that when I'm with my partner it sorta makes me feel weird that he can't share in the experience, so to speak. Of course, he'll lend a hand if I ask him to, but I really dislike doing that because I worry that I may be pushing him into sex that he doesn't want. I guess when I am alone it's much easier for me to get into that headspace, but when I'm with him it's much more arousing if he's beside me or helping out and I can't really connect the two. Does that make sense?

[Eddie C]

koopins:

Redskies is not here today but I just wanted to let you know someone saw your post and as soon as they come back they will answer you, okay? Will leave them a note so your post doesn't get lost.