Trying again and taking the lead?

[Nervousone]

I got over some nerves I had about sex, and told my boyfriend I'm ready. We did it last night, and it was great. Probably would've been even better if I was completely relaxed about it. I was still nervous because having someone see me naked and touch me in those ways, is all completely new to me. He told me that if I want to do it again, just say so. I do want to do it again, but I'm sorta interested in initiating and taking the lead all together. How could I do this without completely sucking at it? I always kind of thought taking the lead was just more of a guy thing, just because it seems so easy for them. But I want to give it a try. Any advice?

[Sam W]

Hi nervousone,

I guess a starting place is: what do you think taking the lead in a sexual situation looks like? What seems like it would be hard for you in that scenario?

[Nervousone]

Honestly, I think my problem is what would be the simplest part...actually doing it. I'm not really good at just being forward

[Sam W]

Okay, that makes sense. Is there something that makes it hard for you to be forward (like worrying that you'll mess up)?

I think a really helpful place to start is with this article: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

Too, something to keep in mind is that you're probably not going to be super smooth the first time you do this. It will likely be a little awkward. But that's okay, because sex and romance are a learning process and everyone finds themselves in an awkward moment here or there.

[Nervousone]

Yep, that's exactly it. Don't want to screw up. I'll read through that

[Sam W]

I hope the article helps! Another one you might find useful is this one, since you feel nervous about doing this "wrong"
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gende ... fectionism

[Nervousone]

Thank you! Can I let you know if I need something else?

[Sam W]

Of course

[Nervousone]

I read through it and it really helped But I do have one more question. (And for all I know it may be something I missed in the reading). If I wanted to initiate/signal without saying anything, what would be a good way to start?

[Nervousone]

I'm kinda thinking about mentioning maybe having unprotected sex. But idk yet

[Sam W]

I have to say that communicating desire nonverbally is tricky, especially if you haven't been being intimate with that person very long. Things like kissing and touching communicate desire, but they're not great at communicating what, exactly, you want. So it helps to pair those non-verbal signals with verbal ones like "want to do x?"

As for unprotected sex, that's something we don't recommend, just because of the risks it carries. Is there a reason that's what you're thinking about in terms of what you'd like to do?

[Nervousone]

No reason in particular. I was just curious, to be honest. I've heard people say sex feels different without a condom, and that they actually felt closer. I was just thinking out of curiosity. Dumb reason, I know

[Karyn]

It's not dumb. You just might want to think a bit about whether having sex without a condom is something you actually would want to do (and keep in mind that while some people do prefer having intercourse without a condom, plenty of people do not, and may not think it feels any different). In terms of initiating sex, too, I'm not sure that mentioning sex without a condom will make it clear what you're trying to do.

Per taking the lead, it sounds like your partner was the one to initiate things the last time: what about sort of mirroring what he said and did? That way you don't have to feel like you're reinventing the wheel, you would have a kind of guide to follow. How does that sound?

[Nervousone]

I kind of figured that doing what he did to initiate would be the easiest thing. But he seemed so confident and smooth (if that's the best word) while doing it. I'm more of the type of person who overthinks things and thinks I'd sound stupid saying something. I'll try doing what he did, but when it comes to maybe doing something different, is there anything I could say or do that would kind of be neutral? Like if it works as a signal, great! But if not, could be something that would be easy to brush off? Or would I be better off avoiding something like that?

[Sam W]

I feel you on the overthinking things. With approaching someone for a date, sometimes I think of it like pulling off a band-aid (yep, not the most romantic of images). Just doing it, rather than drawing it out, might be unpleasant, but it won't prolong the process.

I think something like asking him out for coffee/ice cream/similarly casual eating experience can be a low key way to approach it. It gives you the chance to see if he is interested in spending more time with you, and gives you a chance to get to know him more.

Also, a heads up, our boards will be going dark from today until the 30th for some updates, so if you find you can't post, that's why. We're more than happy to pick up this conversation (if you'd like to ) when they re-open