Positive 'Friendzone' Experiences

[Jacob]

It might just be I don't meet people who say crap like that, but thankfully the whole concept of being 'friendzoned' isn't something that anyone I know actually says... however whenever I see it appear (mostly online), and have heard it in the past, and almost always with a massive sense of entitlement like "I would have been the perfect boyfriend but then she friend-zoned me" I just recoil with disgust.

But... as it happens plenty of people I've approached, or have wanted to ask-out have made very clear gestures to make sure we are and will remain friends. It's probably happened the other way round too. The big big big difference is that for me that's a positive experience. In fact a lot of my friends are people I've been attracted to, mostly because the things I value in a partner are also the things I value in friendships. I might not have many of the friends I cherish now if it wasn't for that 'friendzone'. The venn diagram of the sort of people I'd like to date and the sort of people I like to be friends with is a very big overlap.

Is anyone else really really thankful for the friends they've found through dates that didn't work out, or crushes took a different turn?

[Sunshine]

You know, it's expressions such as "friendzone" that further my irrational fear of guys. This expression and the way it's commonly used seems to imply that men / boys only seek out women / girls to have sex with them and that aside from this function, they consider interacting with us a waste of time. Also, that all the "friendly" things we might do with a guy are only a means to an end for him, and if that end isn't met, he'll feel cheated / disappointed.

One of the many reasons I am glad that I'm in a monogamous, committed relationship is that I don't have to deal with crap like this, because I am "off the market" - with me, there is either the friendzone or no zone at all, and when I deal with men these days, I make sure that it's perfectly 100% clear that I am not considering them as potential sexual partners. I find that very relaxing. (With women, well... different story. I just feel differently about women, more comfortable, more trusting, more open. I know that this has little to do with reality and a lot to do with prejudice, but so it is. If a person I perceive as female tries to flirt with me, I am usually delighted - when it's a man, I feel threatened. That sucks. I know. I'm working on it...)

My only experience with being put in the friendzone so to speak was with a woman, though - well, at that time, a girl. When I was very young, a young teen, I was madly in love with a friend who is gay. And when I say madly, I mean it - it was a really, really strong crush that made me think and do some pretty crazy things. Eventually, she made clear that while she valued me as a friend, she was not, in fact, attracted to me sexually. Also, that if we had an affair, it was bound to end in disappointment and trouble and our friendship would suffer from that. So to save the friendship, I got over my infatuation, and looking back, that was one of the wisest, albeit hardest, things I ever did. I am so glad it worked out. We're still close and I would miss her so much if we weren't.

Yay for the friendzone! It can be a really good place to be in. Trust me, guys. Sex, in a pinch, you can have with an object. A friend you can only find in another person. Think about it.

[Jacob]

Totally agree Sunshine!

I just think that narrative reeks of so much entitlement that it can introduce anxiety into all sorts of friendships... It gives me the shivvers, so it makes sense to me that you feel that way.

That situation with your crush-turned-friend though is perfect... I really love stories like that, and it makes me happy you're still friends. Me and my partner of 3 years broke up about a year ago, but decided to carry on having a close friendship and continue house-sharing, and it always gets surprised reactions, but our friendship means so much to me I can't imagine it being any different.

We had a thread here a while ago about relationships in fiction which don't take the normative route, of escalating from acquaintance to relationship to break up, as a one way street. I found it so hard to come up with examples where alternatives to that are depicted... but everyday life seems to supply examples all the time.

[Sunshine]

What about Luke and Leia in the old Star Wars? At first he really wanted to get with her and she flirted back (mainly to make Han jealous, I think ). Then later they're really good friends and in the end find out they are siblings. And Star Wars is huge, it's not as if I pulled that out of one of my obscure novels.

[Kaizen]

I think there are two different ways of being "friendzoned", which are both difficult in their own ways. (I don't think it benefits anybody to pretend it doesn't suck when you have feelings for someone who does not have similar feelings for you, or choose to act on them. Everyone should definitely realize that this says nothing bad about you or them, that you have no control over this, that you cannot change this and shouldn't try, and any number of other things. But it does suck.) There's having the feelings for the person and having them not be returned, or both having feelings for each other and then having them choose not to pursue the kind of relationship you want.

That was my situation. It happened with my first love, who I've mentioned on here before. "Gabe." We met in Chem class and got along so well that before long I realized I was crushing on him. Eventually a huge argument (how auspicious) led to us both admitting we had romantic feelings toward each other. For the next few days things were quite romantic between us, but Gabe kept mentioning that he didn't see how we could be in a relationship because he wanted to have sex and I didn't. "If we date it's going to be bad for one of us," he'd say. "Either I'll feel guilty for wanting it when I'm with you, or you'll end up doing something you don't want to do. And you're worth so much more than that." Within the week, he came to the conclusion that for us to date was a bad idea, and asked for the romantic talk to stop.

In short, I did not take this well. I simultaneously cut most of my direct contact with him while attempting to keep tabs on him from afar, placed all the blame on him for not knowing "what was really important" and giving up sex to date me, and spent the better part of a year (including the end of my senior year of high school and my first semester of college) waiting desperately for him to realize the error of his ways. My journals from the time could be published under the title How Not To React When You Don't Get a Relationship You Want. (At the same time, they're super self-aware that I was not helping myself. It's actually amusing to look back on.)

Eventually I lost contact with him for a bit, and when we started talking again I had actually given up the idea of dating him again. We got along like we had originally. Two years later, he's still one of my closer friends. All of the things I liked about him? Totally relevant to being friends. (Sense of humor, liking random information, being willing to be goofy, his interest in music.) Meanwhile we disagree on sex, he gets rather possessive in relationships (I used to see this as a good thing), and we both get overly emotional (potential arguments I picture us having in a relationship... would not be fun. Or, likely, healthy.).

I think things between us settled into just the way they should be.

[Jacob]

Wow, it's amazing how long things like that can take, and just to see how much of a healing influence time can be.

It helps me quite a lot to hear things like that. I'm probably not the only one for whom the immediate present feels all consuming, but really there are much longer stories at play.

and Sunshine... I totally forgot about Luke and Leia, they can be my new go to!

[Kaizen]

Ooh, I just noticed the conversation here about media that defies the pattern of friends -> romantic/sexual relationship -> (maybe) breakup -> (maybe) return to romantic sexual relationship. I just read, and love, a book and its sequel that do: Nobody's Princess and Nobody's Prize by Esther Friesner.
The story is about Helen of Troy going on adventures as a young girl. Along the way she makes a friend, a boy, and the two become close friends for the rest of the story. I was waiting for the relationship to turn romantic, but it never does. In fact, the boy does have romantic feelings for Helen, but he understands that she doesn't return them, keeps them to himself, and moves on.
Helen even uses the word "love" when thinking about her feelings for her friend, recognizing that even though it isn't the same love she has for another boy she does have romantic feelings for, that doesn't make it less important.

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Eventually, her friend does get into a romantic relationship with someone else. Helen says that everyone around her expects her to suddenly discover romantic feelings for him and be jealous, but nothing of the sort happens. She's quite happy for him, and even says a special prayer for his future marriage.