Scarleteen

Hi everyone...

I have a sex dilemma, and have no idea what to do about it or who to reach out to about it, but it's been weighing on my mind...

So my husband, who is my best friend, and I got married 5 months ago in May. We have a great relationship, and I guess you could say we were "technically" virgins on our wedding night; we had had oral sex, but no intercourse. But we were both raised to believe that any kind of sexual behavior before marriage was wrong, so we felt guilty, but felt we couldn't stop. So we get married, and have been enjoying just being able to be intimate with each other without feeling guilty. We have an issue- my husband has never orgasmed inside of me without first masterbating. I can have up to 2 orgasms at a time and I feel so selfish like it's all about me cause I feel so amazing, yet it doesn't seem like he feels physically amazing. It's like he just enjoys being close to me. I have never brought him to orgasm orally or through PIV. I feel like the worst lover. I just want my husband to feel as good as me and to give him this gift. I don't know what's wrong w/ me or him but something is wrong. I talked to him yesterday and he said he doesn't feel he is that sensitive and doesn't feel much. I'm upset and worried and I just feel so bad. I love sex... we waited and i hate how we have this issue; i want sex to be the best thing in the world for him and it makes me so sad that i feel like i'm enjoying it much more than him and i haven't ever given my husband an orgasm. I'm not sure if it's physical, or psychological or what, but he won't talk about it. I tried to ask about this on a Christian sex forum, but he found the post and had me take it down cause he was so ashamed. Yet it seems that this may bother me more than him. I feel like a bad wife. Sex is important to me... and i think for a woman i have a pretty high drive.

We both feel badly... we used to use condoms during my fertile time (I use fertility awareness), but had no success at times when we had no condoms either. He did think they made him less sensitive, so we are now doing withdrawal during my fertile time (Easy cause he doesn't ejaculate inside of me anyway)... but a part of me wonders if this is the wrong approach, cause shouldn't we be training him to finish in me? Advice? Is a male barrier bad news in this situation? It's our only option unfortunately because I tried to get fitted for a diaphragm and i'm the wrong shape for it... and i refuse to use hormonal methods. and we aren't ready for a kid for about 2-3 years.

Speaking of kids. I want to have a baby so bad in a couple of years, and will it be possible if this is the case still? I guess he could masterbate and finish inside of me as he has done before... but i've read sperm count is less through masterbation orgasms than PIV orgasms for males. Maybe an IUI? this is really a discouraging thought as I already have a potential mild fertility condition, so 2 conditions would not be good.

Anyhow... i'd love to hear anyone's thoughts. I feel lost...

xxo,
Liz

Okay, so a quick check-in here to make sure I have the information I need.

Does he enjoy -- and feel sensation that's good for him -- ANY kind of sexual activity with you or by himself? And does he either reach orgasm, feel satisfied, or both, with any sexual activity with you or alone?

Too, have you two talked about his unwillingness to talk about sex? A healthy, happy sex life just isn't likely for anyone if someone involved is just totally shut down with communication around it. What does he say about that, and has he been able to get a sense of what he thinks he'd need to be able to talk about it?

Also, can you fill me in on why you think -- if I have this right -- that as a spouse, you are a "bad" one -- or anyone is -- if their spouse isn't responding sexually in the ways you want or expect? Can you also fill me in on what sounds like the idea you have that orgasm isn't something that's mostly about the person's body it is -- or isn't -- happening with, but somehow in their partner's control, or about their partner? You say you feel bad because you haven't "brought him" to orgasm, for instance, but that actually isn't something someone else does, just like if, say, you made someone dinner and they ate it, you wouldn't be "bringing them" to digestion. Orgasm, and other sexual responses, are not things someone gives or brings to someone else, but responses (things that either just do or don't happen with the body, like sneezing, for example, or getting a shiver up your spine) not just outside a partner's control, they're actually mostly outside the control of even the person's body they can happen with.

Hey again,
Thank you for your quick reply! ☺ I forgot to put we are 24 and 25, almost 25 and 25 (he is younger by a few months)… so we are young and in good health... age shouldn't be an issue here as I know age can cause some sexual issues.

He does masturbate to reach orgasm, I’m not sure how frequently. We don’t really talk about it… but I know he does… and only him stimulating himself can bring him to orgasm. I feel pretty terrible cause I can't. He has said before though, that he doesn’t feel that sensitive in general. I'm not sure if it is satisfying sexually to him to do this. Honestly, I don’t understand his sexuality. He doesn’t talk about it in depth. I think he has a lot of shame, but I’m not 100% sure what about… I know he did have oral sex with someone else at one point, and he did look at porn in the past, but he doesn’t go into specifics. Maybe he’s just ashamed that he doesn’t feel like this is normal.

I’m not sure if we are unwilling to talk about sex. Just issues regarding sex… Yesterday we were having sex, and I was frustrated, because he couldn’t finish. But of course when I brought it up, he got upset. I’m just frustrated because I guess it’s not what I envisioned. He just told me how he’s not that sensitive, and he likes sex because of the closeness, and it’s not about orgasm for him (I don’t know why that makes me sad and feel like an animal). I hope this isn’t true, but he told me that it’s either feels like not that much or sometimes is uncomfortable ☹ (I’ve even wondered if maybe being an odd shape, could make my vagina not that comfortable for a penis, I don’t know!), although he loves being intimate with me, and will always be happy to satisfy me, and will once in a while initiate… but I’d say it’s more me initiating. Maybe I’m upset because, for me it’s about the closeness, but also about the orgasm and filling that huge sexual need. Maybe for some it's more about the closeness, i don't know.

Before we got married, we were sexual as I said and felt bad... but then we felt spiritually (it was more my conviction- he seemed to stop feeling guilty once we got engaged_ that we had to stop having oral sex till our wedding, and for me it was SO hard... and i was the one who felt more adamant that we had to stop and wait... and once i told him this... it seemed much easier for him than me to just stop... it made me feel bad because he could just turn off... like maybe he didn't need me- i wanted him to want it as much as me and it seemed he didn't... but i thought maybe he had more self control than me) maybe his sexuality is differently than mine, maybe he is less sexually sensitive, or maybe I'm a terrible, selfish lover... at least he is happy to be sexual for me now. He says he has a hard time letting go sometimes and feeling pleasure when we have sex. And that sometimes he’d rather just please me, which is sweet, But I want to learn how to please him, and that makes me sad. Maybe I shouldn’t be sad. He says he doesn’t want to talk because he doesn’t want me to try to “fix” him, which is my tendency. I guess if there is an issue, of course I want to figure out a solution.

What you wrote in your last paragraph was really encouraging for me to hear by the way, but hard for me to believe fully. I just feel selfish and guilty and like a bad lover like maybe I’m doing something wrong… especially because he was the first person I was ever sexual with. I consider sex a great gift, and want to be able to have my husband enjoy it as much as what he gives to me…

Oh I’ve even thought of maybe trying to get fitted for a diaphragm or cervical cap 1 more time because unfortunately as I said I think condoms and withdrawal both aren’t great methods as: 1. Condoms decrease sensation, (the pro is that I guess at least you can finish with them on inside the woman), and 2. Withdrawal you consciously make yourself not finish in the woman- the opposite of what we are trying to do (but the pro is that the sensation during intercourse is somewhat better). I can’t think of any other options (maybe a non hormonal IUD if i could prove it prevented conception as opposed to implantation which would make it a no go for us), but I want him to at least feel free to “let go” and I’m not sure if using a male barrier as our method is causing an issue. We do use FAM, but honestly, we don’t have much sex during my infertile time as my sex drive drops significantly at that time, and he doesn’t usually initiate, so we usually have it more when I want it which is from my period to ovulation, when we are technically fertile anyway.

Does this sound more physical (me or him) or psychological? I kinda want to get some answers so I can figure out some answers. I should also say... we overall have a really good relationship. We rarely fight, love having fun together, and are best friends and kindred spirits. He is very sweet and attentive and loves doing nice things for me, leaving notes, doing stuff around the house... and me for him! We've just had our share of sexual issues in our only 5 months of marriage.

Thanks ☺

I think -- and sorry for a brief response, I'm pushing hard against a deadline -- it sounds like what has to happen first, around this, around your whole sex live and your senses of your own sexualities, is start talking. I don't know why you're focusing on methods of contraception and reproduction (if you can or not, when you're clear that you don't even want to anytime soon): I think that focus is a red herring, not anything to do with any of this.

Until communication can happen, I don't think even looking with or focusing on anything else makes sense. Especially since I think that it sounds like most of this is about shame (in different ways for both of you), about guilt, about a lack of sexual communication, and about trying to make sex be a way -- and getting super hung up about it when it isn't -- that's about what you THINK should be going on, rather than what both of you actually enjoy, like and respond to based on who you are as people, uniquely, not based on any kind of external or learned standard.

And before you can do THAT (start talking), you both have to agree to take a positive risk and do that: openly, honestly, even when it feels really vulnerable and raw. (It also sounds like for him to feel safe doing that, you also have to agree not to try and fix him or try and problem solve something about him that may not be a problem at all, save for the way you're thinking about it and your sexual life). And if either of you can't, then you'll need to seek out some help with that first, like from a counselor, one you either see alone or together as a couple.

So, that's the prerequisite to any of this. Know that people can't have sexual lives they enjoy and feel great in if they can't or won't communicate, including - and often especially about -- the hard stuff that doesn't feel sexy. So, if this can't happen -- the talking -- then honestly, there's really nowhere else to go from there. At least not anywhere good.

Thanks Heather...
this is good advice. Communication. I think we both don't communicate the best about things that may be a bit uncomfortable. Maybe not the healthiest... i guess maybe that's why we have a very peaceful relationship. But I know we do have to communicate about this. ... even if it doesn't feel sexy. We don't really talk much about sexual issues, and if i bring them up he seems upset and wants to not talk about it... i think that's part of how we ended up crossing our bounds of moral comfort w/ our physical relationship before marriage. We didn't talk about it or specifically what we did or didn't feel comfortable with (other than not have sex), till we were having sexy time and oral sex regularly... and i was too embarrassed to tell him how much guilt i had about it and draw a line!

Oh and regarding contraception, I think it is a big issue related to this, because I want our method to not affect his sexual experience negatively, but he hasn't told me what works best for him... i guess i'll ask what he prefers.