Scarleteen

I am now in the 10th grade and started dating my boyfriend in December of freshman year. We are very close. Out of all these 10 months of dating there has not been one day where we haven't talked to each other. I love him with all my heart and soul and would do anything for him. We are especially close since we lost our virginity to each other. But we have ran into a huge problem. "Rich" has a huge problem with expressing himself and sharing emotions, etc. I used to be a big partier back before we were dating. Drugs, parties, just like the rush of it all was my whole life. I did those things because I was being really mistreated and abused at home. Anyways. Rich gave me an ultimatum. “Parties or me” and I chose him. So I stopped doing that and became depressed and just sad. I yearned for excitement in my life. I think that is where I made the huge mistake. I believe at that moment is when he realized that he had me in the palm of his hand. He could do whatever he wanted to me. He started to give me more rules like can’t go to more than 2 parties or month, have to take your phone, show me what your wearing first, and just a whole bunch of stupid shit. I did it because I loved him like no one else in my life. Ever since 10th grade started I was enrolled in an interpersonal studies class where they talk about relationships and abuse. From what I learned Rich is physically abusive (there were some incidents of physical violence) and he isolates me (He made me give up all my friends from my parties days because they were in gangs and “bad people”) and also Minimize, Denys, and blames me for things (like when he says oh I’m sorry I hit you, you just made me mad). So about 2-3 days ago I told him I didn’t want the swears and stuff like that and he went off on me. Yelling “IM ONLY DOING THIS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU” “I WANT YOU TO BE SAFE” “I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU OR SHARE YOU WITH ANYONE I DON’T WANT YOU TO START HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS MORE THAN ME”. It all has become too much and I fear that were on the verge of breaking up and that really scares me because that is the last thing that I want. And I know he feels the same. But his obsessive, possessive behavior doesn’t help are situation at all. Any advice? When we have our serious talk what should I say?

Hi Ashley,

You are spot on when you say this pattern of behavior is abusive, because it most certainly is. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior pattern is something deeply rooted within those who display it, so simply talking with your boyfriend is likely not enough. He needs serious help, the kind that someone who has been the recipient of the violence and abuse is not in the position to give to their abuser. I understand that ending the relationship would be painful, but it seems to me that staying in it may potentially become more painful.

Based on your past posts, I found a crisis service in your area: http://www.hawc.org/ I think it would be worth your time to talk to someone there about what your next steps might be. Let me know if your zip code has changed and I can help you find a resource closer to you.

Also, did you ever get the chance to take a look at this article that another staff member passed along over the summer? The Scarleteen Safety Plan
Have you been able to take any actions since you originally contacted us about this abuse?