How to talk to parents

[doglover]

Hi, so I know I was already asking about this some, but how do I talk to my parents about reproductive health issues? I've been trying, but every time I try and bring it up, I get really anxious or embarrassed and I can't do it. I feel like I should see a doctor, but I don't know how to ask. I don't feel comfortable (just because of who I am) saying "I think I need to go to the doctor," or "I haven't have my period in 5 months," or something along those lines. I'm not sure how to go about this... Sorry.

[Sam W]

Hi doglover,

I'm sorry you're finding those conversations stressful. Believe me that you're not the first person to find trying to talk with your parents about this intimidating (although that doesn't make it any easier). Let's start with this: What do you think is making anxious about talking to them? Are you afraid of their reactions, don't know quite how to phrase things, or something else?

[doglover]

I think part of it is I'm just very awkward and not used to talking about my reproductive health or my health in general with my parents. I just go to the doctor when I have an appointment. Also I'm not quite sure how to phrase it, because I'm not good at being forward and outright, especially about myself/things related to me.

[Sam W]

Hi doglover,

Okay, that makes sense. How would you feel about keeping it very short and direct? So, if it's period length or cycle weirdness that's worrying you, just saying "my period has been missing for several months, I'm worried, and I would like to go to the doctor" Does that feel doable to you, and like something they'd respond to?

[doglover]

I don't know if that's doable for me, I'm not good at talking about myself or my body at all. Just asking to go to the doctor is hard too, because I don't usually go unless it's an annual check-up thing. I don't know. I might just have to wait until either things get worse or until my next check-up.

[Sam W]

I'm sorry that you don't feel comfortable talking about these sorts of things. Can I ask what you think makes you uncomfortable discussing them?

[Heather]

Can I also check in that you need to ask your parents to make an appointment for you? In other words, since talking to them feels like such a big barrier to you, can you not just call your doctor and make an appointment by yourself?

If you're an older teen - heck, even if you aren't, I know I was doing this for myself around 15 - perhaps it's time anyway for you to start making appointments for yourself. Sexual or reproductive healthcare also might just be something you prefer to do on your own and probably can do on your own.

[doglover]

I just not a veryy open person except to certain people. I also feel like I'm burdening or annoying people and that they will think I complain too much. I am not super open with my parents about a lot.

Also I think it might look a little suspicious to my mom if I started making my own appointments because she has done it my whole life. My mom and have difference of opinions on many things, but she doesn't really know my views which is why I'm not open with her, she is not irresponsible or anything.

[Heather]

Right, but at some point, she's going to need to stop. In other words, things like this are part of transitioning into adulthood, taking over some things parents have always done, but that you can do for yourself.

Is your mother not supportive of you transitioning into adulthood in general, or with things like this? I feel like there's some kind of piece missing with you and your family for me. You say, for instance, you have different views on things so you don't share yours: is there a reason for that? We can have different views and still share them, after all. Do you not feel safe in some way -- either about a risk of abuse of some kind or something else -- to start taking some of these steps towards independence like making an appointment for yourself and sharing differences of opinion?

[doglover]

There is no abuse. I think part of it is my mom expects me to be like she was, and I think I'm pretty much completely the opposite. Also my father is homophobic because of the area he grew up in, very conservative. My mother is supportive of the LGBTQ community, but also very... uninformed? Either way, I'm not out to them. This is getting off topic. This was supposed to be about our differing viewpoints. I'm just not like my mother, and I think she wants/expected me to be. I also feel like every time I share (or try to share) my views it ends up in an argument, where if I just listen to other people's, it will be okay.

I know it's part of transitioning to adulthood, but yet again, here's me not being good at communicating. I don't know how to ask her if I can make my own appointments. I also feel as though I would mess it up. I have been going to the same building (different doctors, but same place) for as long as I can remember. My mom knows the people at the front desk and such, so that worries me a bit because they are used to her a) making the appointments and b) always coming with (unless now I can get myself there, but only for simple things like the flu shot). I don't know, I feel like I'm making this more complicated than it needs to be?

[Sam W]

Hi doglover,

I'm sorry that you find that when you share your views with her, that ends up in an argument. That can certainly make you feel like you're not good at communicating. But, in my experience, there's an equal chance it means the other person is not that great at listening.

Just to clarify before we continue, you do have a way of getting to the doctor on your own (bus, car, bike, etc)? One other possibility is to try calling them first and see how that goes. If you know/remember the name of the building or any of the doctors you've seen, you can usually find the number on the internet. That cuts out the need to try and get there, or the need to ask your mom.

[doglover]

I can get to the doctor on my own, I know where it is and how to get there. However, I would need to make an appointment, I think.

[Sam W]

Okay, that's good to know. Most doctors offices will let you make an appointment in person, even if they can't see you that same day. So the most straightforward option would be to go there and make an appointment (honestly, I find making them in person easier because you usually have to go through fewer steps)