Scarleteen

Hey everyone. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now and we recently moved in together. Everything is great between us and I have no issues with our relationship, I just have a hard time being around his family.
First, I am very shy. I have always been very shy but I try to be as nice as possible to compensate. I'm bad at starting conversations but I always answer when people approach me. I know it's not easy being around someone who is awkward and quiet, but I don't feel like it's ever hurting anyone, but I always feel guilty because I don't know what to say.
I like his family a lot. He criticizes them occasionally because they are very traditional but i find them nice and interesting. However, I just don't feel I fit into their world and it makes me uncomfortable.
Today we went to a lunch with his grandma, mom and his aunt. His cousin and his girlfriend came as well. My boyfriend and I came in and I immediately felt like I was being awkward by how everyone was acting. When his cousin came it was less pressure, but once lunch started, the majority of the conversation was about his cousins relationship. His girlfriend is also shy but she's been around a bit longer so she says a little more than I do. I just felt awkward because all of the questions asked from the family were aimed at those two. My boyfriend just stared at his phone through most of the lunch but made some jokes with his sister, but other than that I had no idea how to be a part of that conversation. The majority of the time the older people talk and my boyfriend and his sister or cousin just chime in. I just don't ever know what to say, because half the time they're not talking to me or about anything I know. And then his grandma said I was very quiet. She wasn't rude about it, but I get that a lot, and I'm not sure how else to be a part of conversation. I have a hard time talking when I know what to say. It's impossible for me to just talk when it's about people I don't know. And they don't ask me or my boyfriend about our relationship or our jobs or my schooling, so how CAN I talk to them?
I just feel so bad. I want his family to like me, but sometimes I catch them laughing or acting strangely because of me. I hate to think I'm that imposing by being quiet, but I just don't feel included, and I barely have a chance to be included. Even when it's less people I'm barely asked anything, and I just am there. My boyfriend has even made a comment or two about how it's just hard for people to talk to me because I'm quiet and it just makes me feel like I'm being rude and it makes me feel worse. How can I be more approachable?

This is something I have trouble with, since I'm shy too, but I would just say be a little forward. Let them know you're there. As hard as it may be, try not to let it show that you're nervous. Maybe try talking to them one by one to get to know them a little better...?

Hi Rogo,

I think this is one of those instances where polite questions can be your friend. If someone's school, hobby, work, etc has come up in conversation, ask a question you have about it. Or, if they're talking about relationships, the "how did you two meet" question often sparks a conversation as well. But asking from a place of genuine curiosity and then listening goes a long way towards making you a part of the conversation.

I'm also a little side-eyeing your boyfriend for being on his phone and not talking to you/trying to bring you into the conversation. Have you and he talked about your feelings if being awkward around his family?