being behind and lonely

[soflows]

So I'm no longer a teenager (I'm 23) but I still haven't had a boyfriend or been on a date, even though I try to make those things happen.

I'm feeling very lonely especially when everyone around me has a partner or is dating.

I can get sex if I want but hookups don't satisfy my need for intimacy.

How do I deal with this? I don't want to end up suicidal and boyfriendless at the age of 30.

[Heather]

Suicidality is not ever going to be just about someone not having a boyfriend or feeling alone: much like other kinds of mental illness, it's bigger than that, and as chemical as it is situational. It also is okay for people to be single at any age, truly.

But I hear you saying that you feel lonely, and that you also want to be dating. Want to talk about what efforts you have made to both expand your social circle and to pursue dating so we can see where we might be able to help out? We can also talk about how you spend your time alone, if you like: being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely, in fact, it can be a place of great solace and inspiration that helps us feel good about ourselves. But the way we're spending our time alone and how we're thinking about it plays a big part in that.

[soflows]

Well, I flirt with guys and maybe tell them that I'm interested in them (and get rejected, or they say yes but then I never hear from them again). As for my social life it's pretty active, I go out most nights.

I'm not alone most of the time, but I'm still lonely, as in I want intimacy and companionship that friends can't give me.

It also is okay for people to be single at any age, truly.

Sure it's okay to be single, but to have never had a relationship at this age is pathetic and sad.

[Sam W]

Hi soflows,

I'm curious as to, when you meet guys you flirt with, what context is it in? For instance, flirting with someone at a club may be far less likely to lead somewhere than getting to know someone through a mutual interest or activity. Something to consider (if you're not doing it already) is to find a hobby or group to be a part of where you can meet people who you have some things in common with. It may not automatically result in a date, but you'll get to meet cool people. Too, if you haven't tried it, online dating is an option that many people have success with and you might as well.

The thing is, there are plenty of people who hit their 20s having never dated anyone. Because dating is way, way more based on luck than most people care to admit. So try no to beat yourself up over not having had one yet

[soflows]

I flirt with class mates or friends of friends at parties or at socials.

20, maybe. But 23, nearly 24? The vast, vast majority of people have dated by my age.

[Kaizen]

(Alpha Centauri. That's pretty awesome. I love it.)

I would say a couple more questions to think about are: What are the "intimacy and companionship" that you don't have in your life and are looking for? What specific types of activities/feelings/etc does that entail?

Why does this idea that you're "behind" matter so much to you? Multiple people have said (and I agree) that there's nothing "pathetic" about not having dated at any age, but you seem really committed to arguing that is a terrible thing.

[Heather]

Honestly, your generation is different than previous generations in that many of you are coming to things like sex with partners and dating later than generations previous. So, have most people your age dated? Yes. But have plenty not yet? Also yep. I promise, you're not alone in this.

When you say flirting, what does that mean for you? Are we talking about being very direct with people you meet in terms of asking them to go hang out sometime, or with people you already know in asking if they'd like to pursue something sexual or romantic with you? Or something else? Too, parties and socials are often not great places to try and pursue or start sexual or romantic relationships: have you tried getting to know people in other settings, too?

What do YOU feel like your barriers here are? You say you can "get sex if you want," but hookups aren't what you're looking for, but instead, an ongoing relationship. Have you put that out there with any of the folks where you've experienced sex with them as being within reach?

I too want to add that I think thinking about this as being "ahead," "behind," or "on time" is problematic, just like it would be for say, moving away from home to live independently, winning some kind of award or learning to play an instrument. Life doesn't provide everyone the same opportunities or the same opportunities and the same time, and timetables for things like this are personal, not universal. I think thinking about it the way you have been -- as being behind, sad, pathetic, all those negatives -- is only going to bum you out more and stress you out. And THAT isn't good for anyone. Plus, the more down in the dumps about this you get, the more you're going to broadcast feeling that way about yourself in subtle ways people pick up on, so that can also create more barriers to you with dating. I know it's hard sometimes not to be negative about something we feel shitty about, but it is also harder to feel shitty about something when we're not creating negativity with it, you know?