Scarleteen

My best friend is not happy with me because of my casual view towards the abortion I'm getting. She had an abortion at 17 (we're 21 now) which she found traumatising. When I said "just an abortion" she was like "oh, JUST an abortion twinpeaks" and we had an argument.

Is there any way to not lose her over this? I'm really attached to her its going to hurt to lose her, but I can't pretend to be upset or backtrack on what I said.

Hi Twinpeaks,
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Oof, that doesn't sound like a fun conversation. Abortion is one of those topics that's so loaded, and that people have really strong feelings about. A difference of opinion on it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, but how to proceed from here can be tricky. I would say that, going forward, this friend is off the table as a person you discuss abortion (yours or in general) with. Then, see if you can try hitting a reset button. So, texting her, or going out for coffee or ice cream to hang out, and then avoiding the topic. If she takes your cue and avoids it as well, hooray! If not, then you can say something like "friend, you know my feelings on this and I know yours. I don't want this to be a wedge in out friendship, so are you okay if it's a topic we don't discuss?"

Does that sound like something she might respond well to?

You also might just ask her how she thinks you can be more sensitive to her experience, then take a turn and let her know how she can about your feelings about yours. It sounds to me like if she is upset, it's not really about the abortion you are having, but about the way you talked about it with her, knowing that for her, abortion was something traumatic. In other words, what she sounds upset about to me is feeling like you were insensitive to her, even though that wasn't something you intended.

Like experiences with any medical procedure or choice, people's experiences with and feelings about abortion vary widely, so for sure, sometimes it's going to be like this with others. We don't all have to have had the same experiences or feelings, we just need to find ways to make room for each other in our differences.

It may be, though, that since she experienced trauma with this, the best you can do is just let her know you didn't mean to express your feelings in a way that hurt her, and then do what Sam suggested. This just may not be the friend to discuss any of this with.

Thanks for the advice

Sadly I've lost her over this, she distanced herself and has been avoiding me and not responding to my messages.

I'm so incredibly sorry to hear that.

Is there anything that we can do for you to give you some of the support your friend didn't give? If so, just let us know: we'll be glad to have your back, in all the ways.

Thank you. I'm not sure what you could do but I appreciate the offer. I've been crying a lot about it but I also started my period and I'm always an emotional wreck around this time of the month.

Well, if you want to talk, you know where to find us.