Scarleteen

Hello!

So I'm at 6 months in my second serious relationship (I'm in college) and dating is still sort of new to me and I've suddenly developed a lot of insecurities I don't know how to deal with. One of the more pressing issues is how my best friend at college has been acting around my boyfriend. She hovers a lot when he's around and about 2 weeks ago I was hanging out with her and another friend when out of nowhere she asked my friend (in front of me) what she thought of my boyfriend and if she thought he was attractive and her type. My other friend thought that was really weird and gave me an alarmed look. Later that day My best friend, my boyfriend and I were all hanging out and she starts to say something and then cuts herself off and starts giggling. My boyfriend and I asked her what was up and she said it was silly and laughed it off. He told her to just say it and she kept saying "no, it's awkward, I'm such a blunt person!" Finally he got her to spill it and she said "I was just going to ask if you work out, your arms are so muscular!"

Now, I don't know if this is normal, but I've never had a friend hit on my boyfriend like that. Ever since then I've been hyper aware of how they act around each other to the point where I'm actually worried about hanging out with just the two of them. I didn't say anything to anyone at the time because I was hoping to move on and forget about it. I hate feeling like I can't trust my best friend! I also have a hard time talking to her since we've only been friends for a year (since college started) and the last time we had a "heart to heart" was really awkward and she kept saying she doesn't like to talk about her feelings.

On top of that, I have a few problems in my relationship with my boyfriend between just us as well. We've been dating for 6 months and still haven't said I love you. I've been waiting for him to make the first move and while I don't want to rush, this has become one of those little things that has piled up and made me insecure about whether or not he actually likes me. I feel as though we are not very romantic in our relationship. We don't really talk about our feelings and he does call me cute but never beautiful and he never says romantic things to me. I know that might be asking a lot, in my last relationship the guy was very forward and always put me on a pedestal so I know I don't want a guy whose always falling all over me but the fact that my current boyfriend never really says sweet things has me worried. We haven't had sex yet, but we do fool around 1-2 times a week. Tonight he mentioned that he thinks we should be less intimate because if we do it too often it won't be "special" anymore. He also mentioned we should hang out with other people (together but with others). I know that alone these things sound normal. We do spend most if not all our time together at school by ourselves (me and him) usually watching movies, getting lunch or making out. I would like to do more fun activities as well and of course I want him to hang out with my friends..but because of all the other things on my mind, I'm worried that hanging out with my friends means he wants to hang out with my best friend who was flirting with him and I'm worried that he isn't romantic and is now wanting to be less intimate. It just seems unusual for a guy (sorry to stereotype).

I haven't talked to him about these things because we don't usually talk about our feelings and I have a hard time being forward with mine. I'm afraid that these problems are silly and I'm making a big deal out of nothing but they're really eating me up inside. I feel as though my boyfriend isn't really in love with me and I'm afraid that I could lose him to my best friend. Please help! I don't know how to deal with all these feelings.

Hi hab20,

I think the first big thing you can do is to talk to your boyfriend, and for the two of you to have a sort of relationship check-up chat. What do you each want from a relationship right now? Are there things you would like to be different? Are your wants compatible with his? I know those types of conversations can be hard, but at a certain point the only way to communicate what you need or feel in a relationship is to talk about it.

As for your friend, that's trickier, because she's got plausible deniability around what she's doing. It may be that, the next time she does or says something that makes you uncomfortable, you mention it to her and ask her to please not do it again. If she herself is blunt and direct, then she might respond to bluntness in return.

From personal experience regarding the saying sweet things: something that may help in that conversation is to talk about "love languages". (The idea was presented in a Christian book, but I think it's perfectly meaningful in and of itself without any religious references.)

The idea is simply this: people show love in different ways, and feel love in different ways:
Touch
Gifts
"Acts of Service" (doing things to help the person)
Quality Time together
Words

It sounds like on the receiving end, you really feel loved when told about it. (Me, too.) Probably your boyfriend doesn't naturally show love in words, and that's why you're not hearing it. (It doesn't help that words are one of the three that get put down by society a lot: "Anyone can say they love you and think you're pretty.") But if you talk about it, and tell him, "Hey, it's really important to me to hear you say I'm important to you and you're happy in this relationship, and compliments/endearments/whatever make me super happy," then he'll know how meaningful they are to you, and hopefully make more of an effort.

Who knows, maybe the same thing is happening in the other direction. My boyfriend is really a Touch guy on the receiving end, I'm not super touchy-feely either way. And touch is another one that gets derided; people are always suggesting that males, especially, only want sex and only for the sake of sex. But we talked about it, and he explained to me that any kind of touch feels really intimate and emotionally connecting to him. So he puts more into words, and I go out of my way to hold his hand or smooth his hair or kiss his cheek.

I also want to point out that you seem to be saying -- if I have you right -- that you feel love for this person and want to say "I love you," but are not. Instead, you're waiting for them to make themselves vulnerable in that way first. You also say neither of you talks about your feelings.

I'm not this person or in this relationship so I can't know, but it may be they are doing the exact same thing you are, and it may be that these things that aren't being said aren't just about his end, but about the fact that neither of you is willing to make first moves here.