November Blues

[Sunshine]

I'm a bit hesitant to post about this, because it's not really sex-related (even though it does affect my sex-life) and might turn out to be a mental health issue. But I know that writing things out has helped me in the past, so I think I'll just go for it, and if it isn't appropriate, I'm not offended if the post gets taken down. I also don't expect any kind of advice, just thought maybe someone could relate and / or might want to share similar feelings you might have this kind of year.

So, basically, I've been feeling down these past few weeks. I've had a lot of bad stress and I've been in a scary, dangerous situation recently that I don't want to talk about here (it wasn't abuse or anything like that). My energy level is really low. Some days, it's all I can manage to just put one foot in front of the other and draw breaths. At one point I had to force myself to eat, which hardly ever happens. I feel sad and anxious and as if everything is too much for me. Sometimes, I feel as if life has just become one big chore and I wish I were done with it. I make mistakes all the time and have to double check everything I do to make sure I haven't fucked up or forgotten something important.

I'm usually rather good at caring for myself. But right now, most of my methods aren't working and that scares me. Exercise is essential for my health (I often picture myself literally running away from insanity), but I have been so exhausted that it was all I could do to drag myself to and from work. I tried to force myself onto my cross trainer the other day, because I thought that once I was on it I would be okay, but I had to stop after five minutes because I just... couldn't. My muscles wouldn't cooperate. I've turned on music, but it seems I can't stand it these days, no matter how quiet and peaceful. I've tried going to bed as early as I can, but it turns out I can't sleep either. When I try to read, I find I can't concentrate. My sex drive is at an all-time low. I watched a film the other night that used to always turn me on and it had no effect at all.

My family is in no position to offer me support right now. In fact, I've been trying to pretend that I'm fine around them, because I don't want them to worry about me. They have enough on their plate.

I am fine physically. I recently had a check-up and I'm healthy. I've been wondering if I'm maybe getting depressed, but I don't think so... it's not as if I can't feel any joy or appreciate the good things any more. I'm sitting on my bed right now and I feel comfy and I'm happy to be home after a long day, and I like my cup of tea. I'm just a bit blue and very, very weary.

I've been thinking about getting some kind of therapy nontheless, but I live in the middle of nowhere and people here have to wait for months, sometimes years, to get help for a lot more serious issues. So that's not a short-term option.

Maybe I just have November blues. I often feel sad this time of year, but usually it's a pleasant, wistful kind of sad that comes with the season.

Is anybody else feeling low? Or has anybody been through a similar phase? If so, how did you get out of it? What helped you?
I just really wish I could get some strength back.

[Sam W]

Hi Sunshine,

I'm sorry that you've been feeling tired and down. That sucks, and it sucks doubly when it feels like none of the things that usually help are working. Since it sounds like you've been going through some heavy stress, it's not ridiculous that your body and brain have hit a kind of "so tired, no more" point and you're feeling kind of stuck. Maybe be as patient and gentle with yourself as possible until you're more solidly out of the stress? I know that for me, especially when I've been in crisis mode (for lack of a better word), I tend to be less patient with myself.

Have you read about SAD at all, and some of the ways people deal with that? I mention that because it sounds like this is tied in some way to a cycle that has to do with months (caveat here that I am not a doctor, so can't diagnose this). I know where I am, this is the time of year where people start to really notice the loss of daylight hours, and that it makes people who are otherwise feeling okay feel less so (I know it snuck up on me. I didn't realize I was feeling the limited light until someone else mentioned it).

With the therapist, it might be worth it to make an appointment even if it will take some time to get in. If you've been noticing that you feel more down, it wouldn't hurt to check in with a professional, even if it's a few months down the line.

[Sunshine]

Seasonal affective disorder? Maybe. I can't rule that out, in any case. Though generally, I am a winter person much more than a summer person. And usually, I enjoy a bit of gloom. All the other years, my November Blues were mostly pleasant in a way. This is different.

But what you say about the stress recovery... You're absolutely right, I am impatient to get back on my feet. I don't tolerate weakness on my own part well, even though I am usually very understanding when other people are frail. I've wondered whether I shouldn't maybe call in sick and stay home for a while, but that's not really a good option, because a) there are already a lot of people sick at work (there's a flu going round), so we really can't compensate another loss b) my job isn't 100% secure right now (stressor no1) and c) I am afraid that if I lay around all day, it would only get worse.

I'll try to be patient and have some faith in myself. I will get over this. In time.

Thanks so much for the reply. I feel better just having put my "case" out there. Even have some quiet music on right now.

As for therapy, I checked what's out there, and it doesn't look promising. But I'll probably try to get myself on some waiting list, even though I feel a little guilty taking up that space when there are people who are actually suicidal or in some other deep distress who need help much more urgently.

[Redskies]

Extra to Sam's super-solid advice here: I did notice that you said you experienced something scary and dangerous recently. I want to make sure you know that many of the things you're mentioning here are also common reactions to/after a trauma: feeling down, low energy, feeling very anxious, feeling like life/"ordinary" things are exceptionally hard, concentration problems, physical tiredness/exhaustion, mental tiredness, sleep difficulties. Obviously those things can also be connected to other issues, but it seems wise to suggest there might be a connection to the scary experience.

If you think it's a possibilty, Sam's advice about being gentle and patient with yourself, and what you're doing at the moment, are still absolutely golden. I'd add in to that that you do a gentle check-in with yourself whether there's anything you need about the scary experience that you're not currently getting or giving yourself, and if you think there is, try to think how you might get it or give it to yourself. To be clear, that doesn't mean pushing yourself to talk/think about it or deal with it in any way/s that you don't want to or aren't currently ready for - because then it's not something you need

You've spoken warmly of your relationship with your partner in other threads: is your partner aware of how you're feeling and/or the scary thing? Even if you don't want to or aren't able to talk about anything, often, having someone around who knows you're having a tough time and who you don't have to pretend to and can just be caring and gentle can really help. Pretending we're ok can be really tiring and hollow out the little energy we have left; still sometimes, it's the right decision, because we'd be less able to cope with particular people's responses or with acknowledging a challenging thing. But when it's less about the likely negative impact on us, and more about not wanting to burden someone or be a problem or admit something's wrong, sharing something can be a good thing to consider.

[Sunshine]

Thank you so much for your concern!

You are right, of course my recent "trauma" (I'm putting that in quotation marks because it wasn't life-threatening in any way and I wasn't assaulted or robbed or anything. It was just a fucking scary bummer situation where it seemed for a while as if my whole life was coming crashing down around me and it cost me a lot of effort and nerves and, yeah, well, bravery I guess to save my ass) does probably have something to do with the way I feel. I was already a bit weak before it happened and then this thing used up the last of my resources, I suppose.

My partner knows what happened and he's sweet and caring. He likes to emphasize what a strong woman he thinks I am, though, which kinda tells me that he needs me to be a strong woman. Our roles have often been a bit reversed compared to the traditional idea of a man / woman relationship; I tend to provide strength, support and energy while he gives me care, acceptance and comfort. I think it's scary for him when I am weak. So I try to play my weakness down a little bit with him, too. Not much. But I do say, yeah, love, I know, I'm strong, I'll get over this, you're right.

[Redskies]

Is there something that you would rather he said to you than that you're strong? You might explain to him that the other thing would be more helpful to you and ask him to say it instead. People who are caring are usually really happy to jump on suggestions like that.

I do hear you - being strong all the time can just get exhausting, and then when whatsit really goes down and we wonder if we've got anything left it can be super-scary because "What Now, what if I no longer have the thing right now that fixes everything?!" I wonder if you both looking at your skill division a little differently might help: it sounds like he has strength which he isn't recognising. Someone who gives care and comfort even when things are tough has a very great strength right there. There are different kinds of strength in the world, and many of them don't involve being badass and handling everything: people who excel at giving care and comfort often hold everything together just by being themselves. Perhaps he needs to step up a little bit on the concept of strength, while staying exactly the way he is? It's sounding like what you need right now is less cheerleading about being strong, and extra-big doses of care and comfort - which is apparently his thing He's got this, just by being his own self.

I wonder if it also might help you both to think of you not as weak, but rather more as something like a hibernating polar bear? Polar bears are definitely way strong, but still mother bears hibernate. It doesn't make them any less strong, it's just the right thing for them to do and the best way for them to live through and deal with a particular set of challenges and come out in the end a strong, healthy bear.

[Sunshine]

A polar bear... I quite like that image

He's being a darling, like always. Unfortunately, he's quite far away from me right now (our relationship is long-distance for most of the year). But I'm happy to know he's around.

For some weird reason, I've been feeling better since I posted about my misery here. Still exhausted, still weak and drained, still feeling blue - but less scared and less upset over it all. I think you've helped me see this as a natural reaction to influences beyond my control. After all, we can all be brought down, no matter how strong we are. Everybody has their breaking point and mine has definitely been reached.

Still not sure what to do about it. Therapy won't be possible before 2017, and I do hope I've made some progress on my own until then.

[Sam W]

I think there's definitely a phenomenon were admitting, even just somewhere online like this, that you're having a hard time or have hit a low point, can be weirdly helpful. Like it's not bottled up as much, if that makes sense

[Sunshine]

It does.

Something really great happened. The other night, I was in a really bad place mentally and emotionally. My thoughts just spiraled downward and downward until all I could do was imagine my own death. Not that I actively wanted to make it happen or anything, but sometimes, when I'm feeling really bad, that kind of fantasy is the only thing that will give me any kind of relief. I know this probably sounds pretty creepy and disturbed. Anyway, I was lying there, picturing morbid things, when suddenly my phone rang. I don't usually answer when I'm exhausted - I hate the sound of it and don't even have it on most of the time. I must have forgotten to silence it. But this time I picked it up and it was a very dear friend, a very special person in my life who I sadly can't have much contact with these days because we live so far apart and both work so much. She doesn't usually like to talk on the phone either, but I had sent her a text earlier, just saying hey, what's up and somehow she just knew there was something wrong with me. It was like a little miracle or something. We spoke for the longest time and she was so helpful and full of energy and fire and her very own brand of compassion (that only people who know her well can recognize as compassion...) that she lifted me right up, so to speak, and put me back on my feet. We've known each other ever since we were little, and we've gone through a lot of shit together (and with each other), and it seems this connection we used to have that I thought had kind of faded is still strong. And that felt so good, you know. It was like finding a valuable object you lost long ago and had given up every hope of seeing again.

It's not as if my problems have magically vaporized or my strength has all come back, but since that phone call, I feel more hopeful and confident than I have for a while. The thing is, my partner and my family are lovely and loving beyond belief, but it scares them to see what a big fat mess I can be. This friend, on the other hand, has gone through my biggest, messiest messes with me and I through hers with her, and while this means it's usually better for us to maintain some distance, in times of crisis we're perfect for each other. She isn't shocked by anything I could do or say and she's been through such a shitload herself that she sees things from a different perspective. Plus she isn't entangled in my life, not financially or emotionally dependent on me.

So in the end, this breakdown led to something really good. Hurray for friends. We've agreed to talk more often and to text each other regular updates on how we're doing, just little things like "good", "bad" or "meh". Or emoties. Whatever. Plus she has had a lot of therapy and thinks she can maybe get me into some kind of treatment faster than I could by myself. I'm skeptical about that, since I don't live in her area, but just the thought is nice.

Life doesn't suck quite so much after all...

[Ashleah]

One thing that I have noticed about you from reading your post is that you are extremely compassionate, empathetic, and understanding. I look forward to reading your kind (and more importantly, genuine) responses to other users so it makes me happy to hear that you have a friend who can offer you a similar type of support. I'm also glad that you all have agreed to continue to check in on each other and you have someone in your corner that you can just be free with in a sense.

From what I have seen here, you seem like you could be the type of person that takes care of everyone else around them before taking care of themselves (and possibly even at your own expense) so I just want to check in and see if have been able to get back into a routine for self care. And have you been able to get on a wait list to see a therapist?

[Sunshine]

Thank you so much for your kind words!

I'm looking, but it's tricky. I live in the middle of nowhere and the only therapists I know of are associated with my own employer. Of course there's patient confidentiality and all that, but I'm not really keen on taking the risk that my emotional problems could become known at work. Can't afford to lose my job... Besides, I know what kind of waiting lists these people have. I know this is negative thinking and it drives me up the wall when other people are like that around me. I'll find some solution, it'll just take a bit of time and planning.

Interesting that you say I come across as someone who might take care of everyone else at my own expense. I've actually often been called egocentric, self-centered or a spoiled brat. It's probably true that I'm wrapped up in myself, but in my opinion, that's just because I am such a handful, and if I didn't maintain a good relationship with myself I'd fall to pieces and be of no use to anybody any more. I do want to be "of use", I guess I kind of need to feel I'm "good for something". I have a hard time just accepting that I exist and that's it. But usually, I do take good care of myself. I was just really scared lately when all my usual methods failed me. I should have contacted my friend sooner, but it just didn't occur to me, I didn't think we had that kind of relationship any more, and now it turns out we've got it more than ever.

You guys here have also been really helpful and extremely kind. Thank you so much again!