Scarleteen

Okay, so I am a 21 year old female in her 3rd year at a university in Ohio. I am pursuing a Bachelor's in English with a Psychology minor (an English major has to have a minor here, as many majors do at this institution). I am doing okay grade wise, but it is my dream to be a lawyer one day. I fully intend on attending a law school and working towards this. I know it will be a huge academic, time, and personal commitment, but it is definitely what I want to do, and I believe I can achieve it if I work hard enough. Now, for the actual issue I came here for. I am in a long-term, monogamous relationship with someone I love and care about a great deal. We have been together for a while, and likely will for even longer. Our relationship is generally pretty good; I am happy, he is happy, we rarely have major conflicts and when we do it's nothing we cannot talk through. I have not decided what law schools to apply to yet, but I am quite sure I do not want to only apply to a law school in Ohio. The schools here just are not as good as the top 50, and if I stayed in Ohio, it would be very difficult to find jobs elsewhere if I ever move, whereas if I went to school somewhere else, I could move back to Ohio and potentially find work if I really wanted to. I am currently in the preliminary stages of prepping for law school (haven't even taken the LSAT yet, but I plan for this summer), but I know for sure I do not want to limit myself. My boyfriend is pursuing a Bachelor's in Psychology, and wants to get his Master's and work in research for developmental disabilities, particularly the Autism spectrum (he's on the spectrum and this made him passionate about it early on). Before coming to college, he was able to intern at a state university and receive college credit at two different schools, all in the Columbus area. I am very proud of him and the hard work he has accomplished and what he wants to do. I'm having two main issues in this whole context:
1. When we talk about things we want to do in the future, there is a disconnect. Sometimes, when I am talking to him about law school (for example, I am involved with our campus' pre-law group, and we had a meeting recently, which I was looking forward to talking to him about), I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm trying to do. With the example from the pre-law group, I was telling him how happy I was I am learning so much from these people, and that I'm nervous about preparing for the LSAT, because it's an extremely difficult test that matters a lot (there's a limit to how many times it can be taken, and more than two times is a huge red flag for any school you apply to). He said something along the lines of 'wow that sounds like a lot of work' and changed the subject. I don't honestly believed he intended to be like this, but the way he responded sounded a little dismissive, and when he does this, I feel like I have to justify myself and what I'm doing. Another time, he told me I should try to get a job before applying to law school, but I had to dispute that because literally EVERYONE I have talked to, even fellow lawyers, have said that it is the GPA and LSAT that matters (if those two are bad, they won't even look at the application), and trying to work during year one of law school is a huge risk, which I am not willing to take because my family is helping me pay for school, so I don't need the money. He was shocked that law schools generally don't help you financially except scholarships (he assumed it was exactly like master's programs), but again was sort of dismissive. But when I ask him about what he does, I listen to him and don't make judgments. I don't know how to talk to him about this sometimes because I don't feel like he understands.
2. I am very worried about what will happen when both of us graduate from our university. Neither of us really know where we're applying, but I know for sure I am not going to just apply in-state, because for me it doesn't make sense for job prospects. Also, Ohio is not exactly in a good economic state. He seems to be complacent, and I worry he'll only apply in state. This worries me partly because he could miss out on a great opportunity, but also, as much as I hate to admit it, I don't want us to separate geographically. I know people say you can do long distance, but with the commitment I'll have to make to law school, I worry it'll be too much. I want to tell him this, but I feel awful because I don't want to seem selfish. He wants us to possibly move in together after graduation, which I'm open to, but if we get into different places, that causes a problem. The last time I tried to bring it up, he said he didn't think it was necessary to worry about just yet, that we should focus on the now and be happy. I want to be happy, and be with this person. I know it probably sounds crazy and you may think I am dumb for saying this (I kinda do but I don't care) but I cannot imagine myself with any other person.
This has really been bothering me for the past couple of weeks and I honestly have no idea what to do or say to my bf because I usually am better at communicating but this is something I cannot think of a response that is coherent, will get my point across, or doesn't sound totally selfish. I'm so sorry for the long post, thank you for reading & any insight would be immensely appreciated. Thanks again

Hi Princesslulu,

This is one of those situations that can be so hard, both emotionally and logistically. I think part of that comes from how we have these cultural stories about how we're supposed to put things aside for love. So it feels weird to have a goal that you're willing to prioritize over a specific romance. But, I think you should keep working towards your goal of law school, since it sound like something that is really important to you.

I think your boyfriend is right in that some of this may be borrowing trouble, since you don't have all the information about where you've both applied or where you've gotten into. And focusing on the "what ifs" can tip from sensible planning to feeding the anxiety weasels if you don't have that information. So I think there's something to be said for trying to enjoy your relationship in the here and now. However, I don't think it's foolish to have a conversation with your boyfriend about what you each envision this relationship looking like when you graduate. Since it sounds like he at least is already thinking it will continue, it would be sound to just talk about what you both want. Does that sound like something you'd feel up to?

I would love to have a conversation I just don't know how to start it. I feel like when I try to talk to him about my goals he doesn't understand it. I mentioned in the original post sometimes when I tell him things about this I feel like I have to justify it because I don't always feel like he is really listening or trying to understand. But I don't do this when he talks about what he wants. I don't think it's fair for me to put in most of the effort & I shouldn't have to justify as it's an admirable and ambitious goal

I'm hearing you sound pretty hurt and frustrated about his lack of response to both your interests and ambitions and your concerns, and that you feel like you're making efforts to resolve this and he's not. For sure, that's typically a very hurtful and frustrating spot to be in.

I think a large part of the issue here may well be that you each function very differently around future planning, and that you each have significantly different personal aims and priorities. I think the way forward may well be for each of you to hear and validate the other's planning/not-planning needs and preferences, and priorities, and then the trick will be for the both of you to figure out how to proceed in a way that honours enough of both. I very much agree that you shouldn't have to justify your goals and the life plans that you want; that also goes for him, too. I absolutely notice you saying that you listen to him and don't make judgements and that you feel you're not getting that in return; I also notice you said he seems "complacent". If this situation has been an issue for you for a while, I totally understand that that may well be coming from a place of your concern about the future and your hurt and frustration. Even so, if you're thinking that at all about him, that might be showing a little and coming out in ways you don't mean it to or aren't aware of - obviously, that wouldn't be helping the situation. So, although it seems counter-intuitive to your needs and what you're asking, I'd suggest that you take a little time in your own mind to get really square with the concept that Both of your life plans and ways of going about it are equally valid and equally valuable, and you both do have a right to them. Some people have more career or skill-based ambitions and need or choose to travel to pursue those; other people's most wanted life is a familiar life in the place they know, knowing that one place in intricacy and detail rather than a broader experience of more places. Neither way of being is more right or better than the other - it's just that one way of being is often more right or better for a particular person, and it's up to each individual to figure out what's right for them, and everyone else to believe them.

If he's the kind where he doesn't like to do a lot of planning far in advance, it's possible he feels overwhelmed or uncomfortable with frequent mentions of future plans. But obviously, Your need is to have some discussion about the future! One possible compromise is to have a very explicit arrangement where you talk about the future in a very clearly boundaried way: you have a conversation and then you don't talk about it again for an agreed period of time unless something big changes. You might also benefit from changing your angle on how you approach his own future plans: his plans and aims are his to decide on and make, and the part that involves you is how both of your plans fit together. You might find things go better if you bring up specific and relevant things for him to consider: for example, you might say something like "I want to apply to out-of-state grad colleges, and we've also talked about being together. I know you're not ready to figure all the college stuff out yet and it's too early for us to know what's going to happen, but can you consider and let me know whether you would also be happy to apply and go to a college out-of-state or whether you want to stay around here?"

He might not understand what interests you about law or what drives you to want to pursue it. What most people can get to understanding, though, is that a thing IS important to someone they care about. In your own mind, what would a partner of yours being understanding and supportive of your ambitions and interests ideally do and say?

I'm hoping to have a conversation soon. My biggest barrier is I feel like it is selfish of me to want him to apply out of state with me. Yes, it obviously could benefit him, but I am gonna be honest, my primary motivation is that it doesn't make sense professionally for me to only consider in Ohio, as their law schools aren't that good. I'm about set on applying to a few, but only as 'safety' schools. I also want to be with my bf, and do not want to have to choose between the two. I am trying not to worry too much, as he is a supportive person and we have made it through many difficult situations before. Thank you so much for your assistance everyone. I really appreciate it

I don't think it's selfish to wish for a solution that'd tick all your boxes and where everyone was happy: in this case, if your boyfriend were to be happy applying and going out of state. Perhaps the missing key bit here is whether he would be happy. You imagining that scenario where it also works for what he wants and he's happy?- not selfish in the least. That scenario where he didn't want it and he wasn't happy? I don't imagine that'd be okay with you, not for someone you love and care about.

That should be the case the other way round, too: if staying in-state isn't what you want and wouldn't make you happy, even if his preferred picture was you both staying in-state, he shouldn't want a real-world solution where you're unhappy.

So what should I tell him? I have to start applying next fall so around now is when I should be looking at schools. The whole thing just scares me because it's a big deal and very new to me

I think you could just start by saying some of what you've said here: you're passionate about going to school out of state, you care about him and want to stay together while pursuing your career, and you'd like to try and find a way to make that work for both of you.

One thing it might help to think about too is what you're hoping to get out of this conversation. Do you want to sit down and hash out a plan together right then and there? Do you want to have a better idea of where he's at and what he thinks about your career plans? Both? Something else entirely? From what you've said so far (and Redskies addressed this too) it sounds like planning ahead in great detail may not be his cup of tea, so it might be better to break this down into a few conversations rather than having one big discussion and trying to figure out everything all at once. I think Redskies' suggestion is a good one, about starting with something along the lines of "I want to apply to out-of-state grad colleges, and we've also talked about being together. I know you're not ready to figure all the college stuff out yet and it's too early for us to know what's going to happen, but can you consider and let me know whether you would also be happy to apply and go to a college out-of-state or whether you want to stay around here?" I would add to that though that some people - and your boyfriend might be one of them - feel more comfortable having some advance notice that a conversation like this is coming up so that they can sort of get their thoughts in order. You could try figuring out when would be a good time to talk, and then a day or two before, let him know that that's what you want to do, just by saying something like, "Hey, sometime in the next couple of days/at roughly x time, I'd really like to sit down with you and talk about our plans for the next couple of years. I know you find that kind of tough, but it's important to me, so before we talk, could you have a think about what you might want to do in terms of career/more education?"

I also think it's important that you talk to him about not feeling like he's supportive or understanding of your goals, but it may work better to make that a separate conversation (before or after you talk about your plans for the next few years, whatever feels best to you).

How does all of that sound?

That sounds great! It covers basically all I am thinking about. I'll be seeing him in a few days I'll find a way to bring it up calmly sometime soon. Thank tou!

You're very welcome.