Scarleteen

Hi me once again
So my boyfriend feels a lot of intense anxiety about pregnancy, it used to be a lot worse for him than it is now (worried that I would get pregnant, that is). However, he still feels very nervous about having sex after the placebo phase on the pill (so maybe the first 1-5 active pills). I've told him he mustn't ever have sex with me during that time if it's going to make him worry, but at the same time I do feel some frustration that that cuts down the amount of sex that we can have (since we don't have period sex, and a withdrawal bleed occurs during the placebo phase, then the first few active pills he wants to stay away from sex). If we got to see each other with potential for intimacy more often this wouldn't be an issue because that would only mean two weeks or so without sex, but the way our lives work (can only see each other on weekends), two "unusable" weekends means we have to wait three weeks until he's comfortable to have sex again - and by that point I'm a good amount of a combined pill packet down the road towards placebo pills again. Obviously my boyfriends comfort comes first, but is there any way to make him worry less? I find it frustrating because I am a really sexual being, not just because of enjoying the sex but because I've (unhealthily) made it a measure of how much my boyfriend does or doesn't want me. I've told him that I'm the same level of safe no matter what stage of pill taking I'm in so long as I take it properly, but his anxiety doesn't let him take that to heart. The pill alone isn't all we use, as we use withdrawal method too. Also, we have a lot of condoms at hand but haven't used them for a long time now since it takes away a lot of sensation for him and it's a hassle trying to throw them away without our parents catching us.
Bottom line, what can I do to make him worry less? Any other advice you can see is necessary please tell me!

It may help for your boyfriend to read something like this article, about why the pill works just as well during the placebo week: How do birth control pills really work, even during the placebo period?

But if that doesn't make him feel better (and it may not, since from what you're saying this sounds like an anxiety issue and facts don't always help there), there really isn't a way you can convince him or change his mind. This is clearly frustrating for you and that's a bummer but there really isn't a way to argue or convince someone away from worry. If he's getting any support or treatment from a counselor or therapist for his anxiety, this is something he could bring up if he wants to work on lessening this fear, but that step is really up to him.

I know you talked in an earlier thread about how other forms of sex don't feel the same/as good to you, but maybe there's some further communication and experimentation with your partner that can happen there? You mentioned feeling like your worth in the relationship & your boyfriend's affection for you is closely tied to sex you have - I really think that doing work on that by either talking with him some about ways you can communicate affection for each other outside of sex or building up your self-esteem and feelings of worthiness as a person outside of sex will make a huge difference here.

I'd also add in that if condoms are really reducing sensation, chances are you either aren't using them as best they can be used per pleasure, or aren't using a brand or style that works for you.

Are you/is he:
• Putting a little lubricant on the inside of the condom?
• Trying extra-thin styles?
• Trying non-latex styles (non-latex condoms often conduct body heat better)?
• Trying styles that provide some extra sensations, like ribbed or studded styles?
• Trying inside, or female, condoms (which are also non-latex)?

Those are some things that often play a part in sensation with condoms, as a few places to start.