Scarleteen

I'm horribly lonely, and these feelings stem from a lack of romantic relationships. The few I've had have been disasters, and I can't find ways to meet new people outside of my small school. I don't know what to do about this situation because it happens so frequently

Generally, when we're feeling super lonely tends to be the WORST time to seek out romantic relationships, because them we're coming to them from a place of desperation which is a really good setup for crummy relationships or people picking up on that from us and wanting to get the heck out of dodge. Romantic relationships also ask for a lot of emotional risks and vulnerability -- and not diving in too fast or too deep -- so they often don't result in people not feeling lonely. In other words, they usually aren't a good fix for that.

What does better is having a range of different relationships in our lives AND learning to enjoy our own company so that time alone feels more like a gift than a curse.

Can you fill me in on what your other relationships are like in our life, like your friendships or your family relationships? Do you have at least a couple of those that feel enriching for you? How about being by yourself? Do you enjoy your own company? What do you do when you aren't with friends, family or someone you're dating?

I have a very nice assortment of friends and my family life is great. But sometimes I feel really jealous that I haven't had a successful relationship, and I haven't done anything like kissing and other stuff even though I'm kind of old. I don't want to feel desperate, and I love my own company, but I'm interested in new experiences that come from a romantic relationship with another person

Okay, so am I getting it right then that this isn't about feeling lonely -- in other words, you have relationships in your life that are "successful" and close, they just aren't sexual or romantic right now -- but about feeling envious?

If so, it might help to try and talk out what it is you feel envious of, and what it is you want from a sexual or romantic relationship you feel you aren't getting from your other relationships in your life. There's not much, after all, that romantic relationships offer us that friendships can't.

(Also, I don't know in what universe 17 is kind of old for anything except maybe learning to walk or something, but it's not when it comes to this stuff. Many people at 17 right now haven't dated at all or had any kind of sexual interactions with other people.)

Thank you, Heather, for the clarification. You're right about the envious, but I think I was just too blinded by momentary sadness to see it.

How about talking a bit here about these feelings of sadness and envy, or bouncing off of what I asked about what you feel you're not getting in your other relationships that you feel romantic relationships could give you? You clearly have some hard feelings, so if this feels like a safe place for you to try getting more of them out, it'll probably help.

Envy that I'm missing out on romantic affection and action. Sadness because I'm worried I could never find this in life. That if I don't have that, I'm destined for failure and the way I want my life to go.

Can you explain what you mean by specifically referring romantic affection and action? What do you think those things are, and how do they differ from the affection or "actions" of or in your other relationships?

Physical stuff like kissing and sexual touching aren't super appropriate for your friends. And affection being love and stuff. I understand that those things aren't the most important thing to any relationship and they aren't the only reasons I'd like a significant other, but those are things that so stand out to me.

Actually, they can be, if that's something your friends want to do. So, for some people, in some friendships, it's wanted and great. Perhaps what you're saying is that that either is not part of your friendships, is something you don't want within friendship, or both? Affection is love or care within any relationship it happens within: that's what affection is an expression of. So, that's in no way exclusive to sexual or romantic relationships.

So, am I getting right then that what you are feeling a big want for is a sexual kind of affection and other ways of being sexual with someone? In other words, is that what you mean by wanting a romantic relationship -- that what you really want is a sexual relationship -- and that what you are feeling is missing for you in your existing relationships?

Yeah, that's it!!! Like I have love and affection in almost all of my relationships, but the sexual aspect of things are lacking. It's almost like a fear of missing out, even though I've had an okay existence and my existing relationships are really good.

Okay!

So, a couple thoughts:

If some of what is missing right now is touch, how about asking for some more of that that does feel okay for you from friends and family? After all, if our other relationships have none of that, we can be trying to get all our touch from sexual relationships, which isn't so great even when we have them.

Next up, of course, is to seek out the sexual relationship you want. What are you currently doing with that? Are you trying to actively date? If so, how, and how is that going? If you only want to date outside of school, what are the other places you are at, and what other things do you do with your time where you can meet people?

Currently nothing. I've been brainstorming ways to meet new people, and I like a lot of them. I'm want to meet new people through theatre and community service programs. I think those would be great starts.

I think so, too! Are those things you're already involved with? If not, it sounds like getting involved in those if you have those interests anyway would be great for you no matter what. Have a sense of how to get started?

(Btw, your handle keeps making me grin.)

thank you! I used to be in theatre, but the school I go to didn't offer it. And I really do like community service, but I usually don't have time to devote to it.

Can you sit down with your schedule and see if you can't carve out say, five hours in a week -- or 20 in a month -- to make room for one or both of those things?

That's a great idea, Heather, thank you!!!! I'll do that tonight